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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563833">After Sloan</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/everettsloans/pseuds/everettsloans'>everettsloans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Grey's Anatomy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Difference, Angst, F/M, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:47:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>52,576</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563833</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/everettsloans/pseuds/everettsloans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexie had a plan, and a certain gray-haired doctor wasn't included in any part of it. When their world comes crashing down, she flees and vows to reinvent herself. Returning to Seattle after a year, Lexie has to decide if he's worth sacrificing everything she thought she knew.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arizona Robbins/Callie Torres, Lexie Grey/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>122</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Arrivals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexie could feel the panic rising in her chest as she checked in her luggage. He didn’t know she was coming, and yet it felt like he’d wrapped his hands around her heart and was pulling her further into the airport, through security and into the gigantic metal box that sat on the runway.</p><p>She didn’t know what she was more scared of; falling to her death or seeing his face again.</p><p>“Ma’am?” The airline staff pushed Lexie’s passport across the check-in desk. “If you’re feeling nervous about the flight, I’d be happy to send someone with you to the departure lounge.”</p><p>Processing what the woman had said, Lexie considered it for a second. It might be nice to have a distraction, but maybe she needed time to process everything that was waiting for her in Seattle. Whatever that may be. “No, it’s okay. I’ve got it under control. Thank you, though.”</p><p>Being early was usually at the top of her list of priorities, but now she almost wished she had less time to let her mind wander before her flight. Security was a breeze since she had barely anything with her, plus she was so ridiculously early that the queues were small and full of businessmen who just tossed their phones and watches in the trays and were out of there in seconds.</p><p>Lexie grabbed a breakfast muffin and a coffee and made herself comfortable with a medical journal that Derek had recommended. For her, this was light reading. She’d tried to make time for fiction when she’d begun making time for all of the other new things in her life, but failed miserably. New York had been a whole new ball game.</p><p>From the tender age of five, Lexie had done her best to stick to her life-plan. It evolved as she grew older, but the basic structure was still there; career first, family and friends second, romance third and children last. It had to stay that way until she hit at least thirty-five. The small details were specific, and she had left no room for drastic changes.</p><p>Any slight disruption terrified her, not unlike how she was feeling right now, and she never chose anything but the safest route available. Until a year ago. Working at Seattle Grace Hospital had been her goal for as long as she could remember, and she wanted to make her five-year-old self proud.</p><p>Everybody around her knew she was making a beeline for neuro and they knew that she had no time for committed relationships, but there was one person who was determined to change her mind, to sway her onto a dangerous path. Exciting and positive for most, but dangerous for her naive little heart.</p><p>A woman sat down next to her and Lexie jumped, almost spilling her coffee. “I’m so sorry, love! Didn’t mean to scare you! In your own little bubble, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah, something like that…” She smiled but it wasn’t genuine. How could it be when she was staring straight at her ex-boyfriend’s face on the cover of <em>New American Scientist</em>? She slammed her medical journal shut and leaned closer to the woman. “Excuse me?”</p><p>“What’s up?” Her neighbour turned to her, a hint of amusement in her eyes.</p><p>“Uh, could I just…read the cover article?” Lexie pointed at the magazine.</p><p>“Sure! He’s really rather handsome, isn’t he?” She handed it over and pretended not to notice when Lexie’s cheeks flamed red. “If only my colleagues looked like that.”</p><p>“Are you a Doctor?”</p><p>“A therapist.”</p><p>Lexie coughed to prevent the laughter that threatened to come out. “Oh, that’s cool.” Realistically, a therapist would be a great idea. Meredith had been telling her for months to get one.</p><p>“I’m just going to get myself some snacks for the flight. I’ll leave that in your trusting hands, maybe you can give me a rundown when I come back!”</p><p>She scanned the article, something about a surgery he’d done with Doctor Avery. The only parts she paid real attention to were the quotes, which she read in his voice. Sighing, she leaned back and set the magazine down on the empty seat beside her.</p><p>He thought her plan was causing her to waste her life away, so she had been assured that he wasn’t going anywhere. He had offered her the best of both worlds and she had accepted, but neither of them could have imagined the obstacle that was about to be thrown their way.</p><p>It became clear that he wasn’t leaving her side and he wasn’t giving up on their relationship just because of this so-called setback, so she left him instead. She left Seattle and headed for New York, to his old stomping ground.</p><p>There was no escape from him, but she had only ever really wanted to escape the life he’d started to lead. The one he’d expected her to want, too. Being in the place where he’d grown up provided her with comfort. She could remain close without him manipulating her plan any more than he already had.</p><p>However, her departure from Seattle had more of impact than she’d anticipated. Perhaps more of an impact than even he’d had. The change was what she’d needed to assure her that a life outside of her medical career was okay, but she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.</p><p>Lexie had ended up making time for new adventures, but agonising over the possibility that if she had stuck it out, she could’ve been doing all of these things with him. She was letting new people in and shutting old friends out.</p><p>She’d formed an unbreakable bond with her half-sister after months of struggling to maintain even a work-relationship with her, and then she’d upped and left without warning because she couldn’t make it through one measly week of a breakup.</p><p>None of that mattered now, though. All would be forgiven from her family’s point-of-view because precisely three hundred and sixty five days after she’d left, Lexie was going home.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Lexie!” Her brother-in-law stood waiting for her at arrivals, holding a huge white sign with her name on it, covered in glitter, and beaming with pride. Her heart melted. All that man had ever done was try to protect her, but she hadn’t wanted to hear it.</p><p>“Derek, you know I’d recognise you without a sign, right?” She laughed, throwing her arms around him in a long-awaited hug.</p><p>“I know but this feels special, like Christmas and all of our birthdays combined.” He took her luggage from her, wheeling her two cases towards the exit effortlessly.</p><p>“That special, huh?”</p><p>“What can I say? We missed you. A lot.”</p><p>“I’m sorry Derek, I should’ve been here.” Her niece, Zola, had been in their lives for two years and two weeks after Lexie had left, she had fallen in the playground and hit her head. Meredith had been devastated and blamed herself for taking her eyes off Zola, wondering if she was cut-out for Motherhood.</p><p>He smiled reassuringly, not wanting her to feel bad. “She’s all good, it was nothing. You know Mer, she was just doubting herself. She doubts herself in everything except her work.”</p><p>They stopped next to Derek’s mammoth of a car and Lexie grinned. She’d never quite wrapped her head around why every doctor she knew insisted on having gigantic SUVs. Lexie hadn't had time to learn how to drive. Her parents had offered to teach her, but she’d rather be reading her medical journals. She figured that was a more efficient use of her time.</p><p>“You planning on being the next Swiss Family Robinson? This thing has way too many seats for a family of three.”</p><p>After hauling her luggage into the trunk and showing off how much space there was, Derek stood back and pretended to be hurt by her comment. “This car is my pride and joy. Besides, we’re a family of four now that you’re back.”</p><p>Without a word, Lexie smiled sheepishly and walked round to the passenger door. As they sped out of the airport, the cold leather seat didn’t bother her as much as it usually would. The only thing on her mind right now was that nobody had figured out she wasn’t here to stay.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie had let herself get swept off her feet by his charm, despite the fact that he had slept with probably eighty percent of the female staff at Seattle Grace. She knew his history, everyone did.</p><p>Mark Sloan. The biggest womaniser to ever walk the halls of that hospital. And yet she of all people had been sucked in. He had piqued her curiosity.</p><p>She knew that he had probably been warned by Meredith or Derek to stay away from her and that he’d been trying, but she also knew he always got what he wanted eventually. She was no exception.</p><p>Every time she walked towards him, unless she was actively looking through a chart, he would walk the other way before she glanced up. She had accused him of not doing his job properly on numerous occasions, and sometimes she had genuinely needed his help with a patient, but she couldn’t deny that most of the time she had made something up on the spot purely so she could ask him questions and engage in conversation.</p><p>He stopped falling for it after a while, and she assumed that had been shortly after her brother-in-law had made a comment. That didn’t stop him from staring at her every time she sat at the bar at Joe’s. It also didn't stop him from staring at her from the nurses station when she was with a patient. Or when she was in the cafeteria, or when they were playing baseball, or when she was walking out of work or getting in the car.</p><p>The night she'd gone to his apartment had been as big of a shock to Lexie as it had been to him. It was one of the first times she'd ever been spontaneous. It wasn't planned, it wasn't thought out, it was spur of the moment. It was as if she couldn’t function anymore unless she did this one thing.</p><p>She had to see if the staring and avoiding had been for nothing, or if he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She couldn't go through the rest of her career not talking to the man.</p><p>The staring thing happened again when he answered the door to her. She was rambling, unsure of exactly what was coming out of her mouth. All she could focus on was his reaction to her being in the hallway. This stare was different. He was realising that he had no control over what came next.</p><p>She walked past him, into his apartment, and he didn't have time to think about what was happening because she was right there. She wasn't across the room, she wasn't distracted by a patient, her attention was solely on him.</p><p>
  <em>"I respect you. As a man, as a surgeon, as a teacher, I respect you. So, teach me." She began taking items of clothing off one by one, not letting the open door or his lack of movement stop her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What are you doing? Don't do that, stop."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Teach me.” He slammed the door shut behind them, but she wasn't slowing down. He still wasn't coming any closer to her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We can't do this. You're Little Grey, and I promised and -"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Teach me. Come on, am I really so bad?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, I am." </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie was still lost in her thoughts, and Derek knew what was wrong without asking.</p><p>“Don’t stress about him, you don’t need to deal with that mess yet.”</p><p>“It’s not that, Derek. It’s just…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I should’ve listened to him. He warned me himself that he wasn’t good for me.”</p><p>“Well, I wouldn’t say that. You were happy together, right?”</p><p>“Yeah. We were.”</p><p>She’d pushed things too far without thinking, that night. Sleeping with him wouldn’t have been so bad except before they’d even reached that step, there were feelings involved from both sides.</p><p>Those feelings lead to a relationship. One that was destined to fail because he was Mark Sloan, and she was Little Grey.</p><p>Her nickname wasn’t just because she was Meredith’s younger sister. Lexie was young, too young for Mark and too young to have been given time to work her way up the career ladder or figure out what else she wanted out of life.</p><p>All she knew was that she didn’t have the emotional maturity to be with a man who was raising his long-lost daughter, who was only eight years younger than her. Add a potential step-grandchild to the mix, and Lexie was drowning.</p><p>Words and reassurances meant nothing when it came down to the moment that their relationship ended. This wasn’t part of her plan. That damned plan. Despite how much her heart ached, she couldn’t make him choose between them and her. It wasn’t fair to expect him to.</p><p>Lexie was fully aware of what she had to do, and that was when she packed her bags.</p><p>“I haven’t told him, by the way. In case you were wondering.”</p><p>“I wasn’t.” She looked down at her hands, letting a curtain of hair shield her.</p><p>“I know you don’t want to see him, Lexie. I respect that, Mer and I both do, but you can’t expect to stay hidden forever. He’s my best friend, we work together, there are going to be times when you’ll have to at least be in the same room.”</p><p>She turned the radio on to let Derek know that she was done talking about it for now, and waited for him to start his dramatic rendition of <em>Toxic</em>. He turned it up and unleashed the voice he reserved only for moments like this, but Lexie wasn’t in the mood to join him this time.</p><p>It was the madness of her family that she missed most, the utter chaos that followed them everywhere, and the thing that dragged her back here against her will for a long overdue reunion.</p><p>Seattle was Lexie’s true home but as long as Mark Sloan was here, she couldn’t stay for good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Encounters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s so good to have you back, Lex.” From the moment Lexie had stepped through the door last night, she’d struggled to move more than a few meters away from Meredith before being embraced again.</p><p>They had baked cookies at three o’clock in the morning, after Mer had been adamant that it wasn’t time for sleeping yet; coffee and sugar would be enough fuel to get them through the following day. She of course hadn’t taken Lexie’s six hour flight into consideration.</p><p>Kitchen table chats seemed to be making a comeback already, and Lexie had only been back in the house for a matter of hours. They were on their third, this time with Zola smashing her bowl down repeatedly and giggling as though it was the most hilarious thing ever.</p><p>The fried breakfast that Derek had lovingly prepared when he woke up wasn’t helping to block out the noise. They needed earplugs, not bacon.</p><p>“I can’t believe how much Zola has grown up.” She nodded in her niece’s direction once it was quiet enough to be heard. Derek had scooped her up out of her highchair and was attempting to get her to do some colouring.</p><p>“She’s got this whole household right where she wants them.” Lexie hated that she’d missed so much time with her family. Meredith and Derek were naturals at the whole parenting thing, but Zola came to them when they weren’t ready for her.</p><p>They didn’t have time to raise a child, but five minutes with her was enough for anyone to grow attached. Lexie should’ve taken notes, but she guessed it was different for her.</p><p>Mark’s daughter was eighteen and Lexie was barely halfway through her twenties. Although, that demon-like girl still behaved like a child and Lexie was leaning more towards being a workaholic middle-aged mom.</p><p>“Is it hard? Being a parent?” Lexie bit her lip, second-guessing her choices yet again.</p><p>“Honestly, things aren’t that different. We just have an extra human to add to our house of stray doctors who, like Zola, don’t know how to clean up after themselves.” Meredith sighed, shoving a stack of plates in the dishwasher. “I mean, for God’s sake! How hard is it to open the door and pull out the tray?”</p><p>Lexie smiled, remembering the days when she’d been one of them. She’d spent a lot of her time in the attic and been caught with Alex Karev one too many times, but that was before she had Mark. Come to think of it, Mark had snuck into the attic frequently and not a single one of her housemates had ever noticed, not even Derek.</p><p>“You know, Derek wants to adopt again? If I thought I could handle it, I would, but we agreed one more kid and I still want to go down the biological route. He reckons we can cope with three total but then we’d have to kick everyone out and it would be weird without them. We could just about squeeze you in, I think.”</p><p>It was so hard not telling Meredith that she was leaving again soon, but she had to let her family have a week of thinking she was back forever. Just one week, then she’d break the news.</p><p>“Hey, Lexie?” Can you take care of Zo today?” Derek carried the three-year-old over with her colouring book still in her hands. As much as Lexie loved her, this was all getting a little overwhelming for her first day home.</p><p>“She’d love to, but it’s ‘bring Little Grey to work day’ at Seattle Grace.” Meredith had her arms round her sister again, grinning at her as if she had something up her sleeve. She probably did, bearing in mind she hadn’t mentioned Mark once. Not even in passing.</p><p>“I, uh- I can’t.” Lexie could feel her eyes about to pop out of her head. She was afraid that she’d bump into him in the corridor or worse, the elevator. She didn’t know what was happening in his life these days, since on the rare occasion that she had spoken to anyone, they’d consciously avoided mentioning him and she’d done the same.</p><p>Maybe he wasn’t even working there anymore, but she was sure they’d have told her as soon as that had happened in the hopes of bringing her back sooner. She almost laughed out loud at herself for having such a ridiculous thought in the first place.</p><p>“Oh yes, I’m sure you have so many exciting plans with your friends who are all busy working double shifts and oblivious to the fact that you’re even back in the state. You’re coming and you’re going to be polite and say hello and accept lots of hugs.”</p><p>“Mer-“</p><p>“Suck it up, Grey! Let’s go!” Lexie looked at Derek for help but he just shrugged, holding his daughter out for Lexie to take so he could grab the keys.</p><p>She should be grateful that she was being thrown in at the deep end because she’d never faced him. She ran, something she found she was surprisingly good at.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Stepping into Seattle Grace felt right, despite the feeling in the pit of Lexie’s stomach that was telling her to get on a plane straight back to New York. The hospital looked exactly the same, even the nurses who passed her were ones she recognised from her time as an intern.</p><p>When Chief Webber came striding towards them with a huge smile on his face, she couldn’t help but match his expression. He felt more like family at this point, especially with the way he’d taken both her and Meredith under his wing.</p><p>“Well if it isn’t Lexie Grey! How are you? It’s good to see you back where you belong.” He hovered awkwardly before wrapping her in a hug. He was never great at greeting people, and was always trying to keep up with the younger doctors including trying out their vocabulary.</p><p>She patted him on the back and pulled away quickly, fear setting in as she watched her family walk towards the elevator. See? Distractions. This building was full of them.</p><p>“I’m great! Chief, it’s good to see you but can I come and find you later? I want to be there when Zola goes off to daycare.” It was only a half-lie. She did want to give her a hug goodbye and see how she interacted with her little friends, but she also wanted to remain glued to Meredith’s side as a precaution.</p><p>“Of course! I’ll be around somewhere!” He nodded and waved her off, not sure what to do with himself for a few seconds. Once he’d gathered his thoughts, it clicked and he followed her towards the elevator. He was just like Lexie had been in her first few months. “Good morning, everyone.”</p><p>“Richard, Little Grey is back. I think that calls for an announcement, don't you?” Derek wasn’t asking Lexie. In fact, he was asking anyone but her. She hoped that at least one of them would notice her eyes about to pop out of her head, but she didn’t think it would make much difference.</p><p>Everyone was treated like family here, and when a member of the family had been gone for a while, it shouldn’t have been surprising that a fuss was being made.</p><p>“I think you might be right. Grey, uh, and Grey, we’ll see you both in the reception area in twenty minutes.”</p><p>Derek and Webber exited the elevator and Lexie noticed that the interior had changed from burnt orange to pink. “Wow, they really spent big bucks on the decor.”</p><p>“We have a new potted plant in the residents’ room, affectionately named Alexandra, after you.”</p><p>“You named a plant after me? Really?”</p><p>“Of course.” Meredith nodded. “I talk to it sometimes, when you don’t answer my calls or respond to my texts and emails…I do forget to water it, though. Not sure how it’s still alive.”</p><p>“I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. What kind of plant is it?”</p><p>“Ask Alex, he’s a plant guy. All I know is that it has green leaves and it’s in a white pot with your old name badge glued on.”</p><p>Lexie settled on being flattered for now. She might change her mind if she walked in and saw it falling apart as a result of dehydration. Thinking about it, the whole falling apart thing might provide a pretty good representation of her life over the past year.</p><p>No matter how desperately she’d been trying to piece it back together again, everything was still a mess. Her heart, especially.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Have a good day, Zo! Aunt Lexie will come and get you later, okay?” Lexie set her down amongst a pile of stuffed toys and wiped away a few tears. The staff gave her odd looks and she knew they knew. Everyone did.</p><p>Word traveled fast and that unfortunately rang true when it came to personal drama. After all, why else would Lexie, who was so open about how happy she was with Mark, leave? They all thought she was some wicked woman who hated the idea of being a Mom.</p><p>After Meredith had managed to put a stop to Lexie’s waterworks, they headed towards what the youngest Grey sister had decided to class as her own personal hell. She really didn’t want some dramatic speech about her return, but at least it saved her from having to have the same conversation over and over again.</p><p>This whole positive outlook thing was tough, but she was trying to imagine what that therapist from the airport might say if she were here now. “Continue to mope” was not a possibility.</p><p>“You know, chances are he won’t be at this thing. He’s probably in surgery. As always.” Lexie came to a halt in the middle of the hallway. Her sister had finally gotten to the point.</p><p>“W-who are you talking about?” She mentally kicked herself. Trying to play it cool wasn’t working, it never did for her. That wasn’t true; it had worked when she was around Mark. Most of the time.</p><p>“Doctor Sloan.” She dragged out his last name, her tone suggesting Lexie might want to go there again. She definitely did, but she couldn’t. “I know that’s why you didn’t want to come, and I get it. Why would you want to see his beautiful smirking face?”</p><p>“Yeah, why would I…” Lexie muttered under her breath.</p><p>“Just to warn you though, he’s got a few more grey hairs than last time you saw him.” Lexie knew that Meredith was trying to take her mind off the emotional implications surrounding Mark, but it wasn’t working. Aside from the obvious, there was the physical attraction, and picturing him with that perfect hair was testing her.</p><p>She was dreading the feelings that would undoubtedly return once she came face to face with him. Not that they’d ever left her system in the first place. She would always be fighting herself on this, and him.</p><p>The two women stood at the back of the crowd which had already gathered, staying out of sight for as long as possible. Fuss. Too much fuss. Lexie was frantically searching for him, but had yet to see him. The attendings all stood at the front, and the pressure was building. Chief Webber looked at her and nodded before addressing the room full of staff.</p><p>"Thank you all for coming. We have a reason to celebrate! Some of you will already know and love the person I'm about to introduce you to, although I’m sure you weren’t expecting to see her, and I know for a fact some of you new folk have heard a lot about her…”</p><p>“All good things, don’t worry.” Meredith whispered in her ear.</p><p>There were murmurs all around the room as Webber gestured in her direction. “It gives me great pleasure to welcome back Dr Lexie Grey!” </p><p>Lexie didn't have time to process before the crowd parted for her and greeted her with a round of applause. Meredith shoved her forward and followed closely behind. She expected her sister to follow her all the way to the steps where Webber stood, but she instead stopped next to Derek at the bottom.</p><p>Lexie couldn't speak. No words were coming out, nothing at all. Not even a hello. It was like all of the air had escaped her lungs and she’d forgotten how to move her entire body.</p><p>Derek rushed to her side and put an arm around her shoulders while Meredith watched, urging her to say or do something. Webber gave Derek the go-ahead to speak on her behalf.</p><p>"Uh, so Lexie is back. It's great to have her back with us all, as I’m certain you’ll agree. It was a surprise even to her sister and I but, here she is! She’s probably got a lot she can teach us from her time in New York, but don't let her distract you from your work." He reached out to squeeze her hand as the crowd gave a soft applause, then Derek stepped away to give her time to chat with everyone.</p><p>Lexie was still silent, attempting to smile at her friends who were coming towards her like a swarm of bees. Kepner was the first to hug her, while Avery, Karev and Yang were discussing how cool it was that she'd kept her return a secret and stating that they knew she wouldn't leave again. She just couldn't, could she? She belonged here.</p><p>They failed to realise that she wasn't responding. She was breaking out in a sweat and staring straight ahead at the man who was standing exactly where she had been minutes before.</p><p>He was looking at her the same way as he had in the early days of their relationship, before either one of them had made a move. It was an unreadable expression, and one that sent unwanted shivers down her spine.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Incognito</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexie had been avoiding Mark all morning. She’d watched him depart the crowd, in a rush to keep far away from her, and the feeling was mutual. She couldn’t tell if he was still reeling from the pain of her leaving so abruptly, or if he hated her. Perhaps both. She didn’t blame him for either one of those things.</p><p>For the longest time, she had believed he was the selfish one. How could she have been so blind to her own actions? Mark couldn’t possibly hate her more than she hated herself.</p><p>Regardless of her wanting to avoid him, she couldn’t deny the curiosity that was taking her attention away from holding a decent conversation with any of her friends. The constant quick-fire questions were exhausting, and her answers were vague. She couldn’t make her discomfort more obvious if she tried.</p><p>She had stayed with Meredith for as long as she could, following her from patient to patient until her sister had a meeting to attend, but now she was lost.</p><p>Not metaphorically lost, literally lost. Lexie had once known the floor plan of Seattle Grace better than the Chief himself, and yet here she was. She'd somehow managed to weave her way so far through the hospital in search of the people least likely to be around Mark, that there were no signs in this part. Her pride was too fragile to approach someone first.</p><p>So now, she was standing in a corridor in the hope that someone would take pity on her. Maybe they would mistake her for a patient, since she wasn’t wearing scrubs.</p><p>"You talked to him yet?” Lexie jumped at the sound of a male voice behind her and turned to see Karev striding towards her. She shook her head.</p><p>“What are you doing?” She raised an eyebrow, observing him as he ran from room to room. He looked in each one frantically, apologising to people as he went. “Alex, there are patients in those rooms!”</p><p>He laughed, walking over to stand opposite her. “I’m just making sure Sloan isn’t around. I mean, no offence but I don’t want to be the one dealing with the fallout from that conversation. You know, the first conversation since you abandoned the guy.”</p><p>“Alex!” Lexie smacked him lightly on the arm, frowning.</p><p>“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” His mischievous grin disappeared when he caught her pain-filled expression. Back in the day, he wouldn’t have thought twice about her emotional state, but the man had changed. “We don’t have to talk about-”</p><p>“I didn’t abandon him.” She cut him off. “Well, okay I did. It’s just, things were complicated.”</p><p>“You don’t need to explain, it’s not like my track record is much better. Have you had any contact with him since you left?”</p><p>She wanted to say yes. She wanted him to have reached out so she knew there was a small chance he’d forgive her for what she’d done. It had taken a long voicemail message from a frustrated Derek for her to understand that she didn’t have anything to forgive Mark for; this obstacle - God, she despised that word - wasn’t something he should feel bad about.</p><p>“Radio silence from the second I walked away. No updates, no voicemails, nothing.” In fairness, she had been in the right state of mind for any of that, nor had she asked for it.</p><p>Staring at the scuff marks on the floor, Lexie was embarrassed by her actions now that she was facing the consequences head on, and she was beginning to realise that she hadn’t left just Mark behind.</p><p>Her friends hadn’t done anything to deserve this, and in the weeks building up to the breakup they had been nothing but supportive. Even Callie, despite being Mark’s best friend, was aware that this was a tricky situation for them both and had provided Lexie with advice, tubs of ice cream and glasses of wine.</p><p>“That sucks.” Karev kept quiet, mulling something over. “You wanna go find him?”</p><p>“Why would I want to do that? There’s a reason I’ve been trying to avoid being left alone without backup, Karev. It’s too soon for a confrontation.”</p><p>“Chill out. I mean, do you wanna go stalk him? And if the worst does happen and he sees you, I’m your backup. I can have you out of there in seconds.”</p><p>“Oh, well it sounds so much better when you put it like that.” She rolled her eyes in disbelief.</p><p>“Admit it, Lexie, you’re curious. This is how I keep track of what’s going on in this place, all the drama and crap. Don’t you wanna see what his life is like these days?” Karev seemed far too enthusiastic for a man who was suggesting that he help follow his ex-girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend around.</p><p>Regardless of how crazy it sounded, he had a point. How else was she going to figure out if he was missing her? Was he wandering aimlessly between surgeries, unsure of what to do with himself? Was he losing focus while he was operating? Was he back to his old ways of sleeping around? Maybe she would be better off not knowing the answer to the last part.</p><p>Maybe he was totally fine and thriving, but either way, Lexie was desperate to find out and Alex Karev was volunteering to be her partner in crime.</p><p>“Okay. Lead the way.” Karev rubbed his palms together in anticipation and headed right, giving Lexie a mere two seconds to let her brain register his movement.</p><p>“Keep up, we have to move quickly before we’re questioned.” Lexie sniggered at how seriously he was taking this but picked up the pace nonetheless. They moved through the hospital, opting to use the stairs instead of risking an elevator ride. “Stop. Go back.” Karev’s arm flew out in front of her, pushing her back around a corner.</p><p>The two of them found themselves in a storage closet with the door ajar so they could wait until Arizona had passed. Lexie was itching to crawl out and say hello since she had been in surgery during the welcome back speech, but Alex was in the way.</p><p>“Do you really do this all the time?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve even done it to Sloan before. Back when you left, I figured he needed someone to keep an eye on him. Also, I uh-, I think we all had our hearts set on you coming back after a couple of weeks, a month at most, and I thought you might want some intel.”</p><p>Lexie smiled softly, sort of glad that Alex was treating her normally and encouraging her to talk about things instead of pretending that Mark didn’t exist. “And what was he like? When I left?”</p><p>“Let’s just say he returned to his pre-Lexie behaviour.” Lexie nodded, attempting to hide her disappointment. She should’ve known. A sense of relief filled her when Karev signalled that the coast was clear, and they swiftly exited the closet.</p><p>“Do you have any idea where he is or are you winging it?”</p><p>“Winging it is my speciality. I’m gonna go check the board while you hang back here, sound good?” Before she could respond, Lexie’s partner in crime had left her stranded once again.</p><p>He was running across the hall to the surgery board and scanning for anyone who was likely to ask him for help with a patient.</p><p>“Lexie?” Meredith was walking straight towards her, laughing at the sight of her sister who was sitting on the floor behind some medical equipment in an attempt to stay incognito. “What are you doing down there?”</p><p>Lexie sighed, standing up. Karev was heading back in her direction and he grimaced when he saw that she was about to blow their cover. “Karev is helping me monitor Mark.”</p><p>“Alex, really? You’re still doing this stalking thing?” Rolling her eyes, Meredith couldn’t help but be warmed by the fact that when it came to Mark Sloan, her little sister was as unstable and unpredictable as the rest of them.</p><p>“Wha- You know?!” He was exasperated.</p><p>“You’re my best friend, of course I know. You’re not as subtle as you think.” Meredith folded her arms. “Well? Where is he?”</p><p>“Rhinoplasty in OR two.” The nerves kicked in when Lexie realised she was about to watch him perform a surgery again, knowing that her feelings would be overwhelming. Back to where it all began.</p><p>“Go on, I won’t tell anyone.” Meredith let them go with their dignity in-tact.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Entering the gallery above the operating room, Lexie hesitated. When Alex gestured to the empty rows of chairs, she relaxed at the knowledge that they were alone.</p><p>She couldn’t handle being in a room full of interns who were likely to be admiring the work of the legendary Mark Sloan. Although he had a reputation in this hospital, it wasn’t purely sex-related.</p><p>While Karev was willing to make himself visible to anyone who looked above the OR, Lexie was making every effort to keep her body close against the wall at the side of the room, with the intention of staying out of view. If Mark happened to look up - which she was sure he wouldn’t because he rarely did unless he knew for a fact that she was up there - she was in trouble.</p><p>Unable to see clearly though, she had no choice but to edge forward. Shuffling closer and closer, she found herself stood directly next to Alex Karev, in the exact position where she had first realised her feelings for the guy down in the operating room.</p><p>Having first fallen in love with Mark Sloan when watching him at work, fixing people, she had always wondered if he could fix her. There wasn’t anything wrong with her, as such, she just needed to loosen up. She didn’t realise at the time that he would also be the one to break her.</p><p>If it weren’t for her stupid plan, Lexie could’ve had it all. Her and Mark could’ve attempted to form some sort of family with his daughter, Sloan, and she could’ve learnt from him in terms of medical knowledge and life and love. He could’ve given her everything she needed.</p><p>But Sloan Riley was so close to Lexie’s age and did her best to make her life hell in the short time they all lived together, and Mark had made it clear from the start that his daughter wasn’t going anywhere. Why should she?</p><p>Sloan was Mark’s chance at a family he never thought he’d have and as much as Lexie wasn’t ready to be a parental figure, especially to someone who could be her sister, Mark was.</p><p>Watching him now, the way his brow furrowed and he showed confidence in his skill, a huge part of her wished she’d had the emotional maturity and the willpower to handle the life that had presented itself to her.</p><p>“He was the real deal, huh?” Karev was studying her facial expressions, and smiled when she blushed.</p><p>“He is.” Noting the use of the present tense, he pushed Lexie back into a seat and kneeled in front of her.</p><p>“Grey, you changed him. I don’t think he would’ve stepped up to be a Dad without your influence and I know that’s what tore you apart, but you did a good thing. When he’s not moping, he’s happy.”</p><p>“Good to know I started the downfall of our relationship.” Her tone was dripping with sarcasm, even though she was glad to hear that he’d got what he wanted.</p><p>“I know it didn’t work out well for you but Lex, you gave him the opportunity and the mindset to allow himself a family. You did that, nobody else. It’s like you melted him into this soft, gooey sentimental guy and my god it’s sickening," Karev pulled a face, "but you were able to guide him to a really positive thing.”</p><p>Standing again, Lexie stared down at Mark. She was in clear view now. If an intern spotted her and told him, it was game over.</p><p>And yet she willed the man to look up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Pacing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Standing. That’s all Mark Sloan was doing, and all he had been doing for the past twenty minutes. Standing, with the occasional few seconds of anxious pacing, in front of Meredith and Derek’s door. He actually wanted to smack his head against it, but thought better of it.</p>
<p>He’d found an excuse every single time he’d been invited over in the last year, and all dinner parties and social events had been held at Callie and Arizona’s place. Mark couldn’t stomach the thought of being in the house where he’d spent some of his happiest moments with Lexie, and Arizona was insistent that their place could be his escape since Lexie had never stepped foot in there.</p>
<p>In the early stages of their relationship, they would’ve been up in the attic at Meredith and Derek’s, trying to keep quiet. Watching movies on the couch and hauling themselves up the stairs at lightning speed at the sound of a car door closing.</p>
<p>Lexie would sneak slices of toast to him before he had to rush to work, savouring their time alone before the rest of the house woke up. He’d dared to venture down the kitchen one morning and had to make a swift exit when Jo appeared, almost knocking a vase over in the process.</p>
<p>How could he walk into that house tonight and see her sitting by the fire, watching old surgery videos without him? It seemed like an impossible task. Was she watching surgeries they’d worked on together? That was what he did when everything got to be too much. He could take his mind back to when everything was okay and almost convince himself that it was real, but waking up to an empty space next to him gave him a hard shove back to reality.</p>
<p>The more he thought about it, the more he realised that his reasons for being stood on the porch at eight o’clock at night were selfish. She didn’t want to talk to him, otherwise she would’ve tried during her day at Seattle Grace.</p>
<p>It was the pain of him being the one to walk away this morning that had spurred him on and given him the motivation to get in his car and drive round here. He had never walked away from her, it was always Lexie disappearing from view. He always gave her the choice and he took that away from her today. And yet here he was, strongly considering going home without a word, leaving her for a second time. Not that she’d know, since he couldn’t even knock.</p>
<p>His mind made up, Mark began to walk back out onto the sidewalk. In a split-second decision, he turned again, finding himself back in his previous position. He tapped the door delicately, half hoping that it was too quiet to hear or Zola was crying or yelling loud enough to block it out.</p>
<p>Running his hands through his greying hair, he struggled to figure out his excuse for being here when he should be eating dinner at home.</p>
<p>If Derek answered, he could claim he was coming over for drinks, but Derek would see right through him. If Meredith answered, she’d call for Derek and he’d still have the same problem. And if Lexie Grey answered? He’d have to face everything head on.</p>
<p>Seeing movement behind the door, he froze.</p>
<p>Without uttering a single word, Little Grey opened the door, took one look at him and slammed it shut again. Mark knew she wouldn’t want to have an in-depth conversation, but was saying hello too much to ask?</p>
<p>Although it was tearing him apart and his ego was totally bruised, he couldn’t help but smirk.</p>
<p>Their roles had reversed. When Little Grey had first arrived at Seattle Grace, he had been given strict instructions to keep his distance. His curiosity and eventual feelings had become too much to bear and he’d resorted to completely blanking her each time she’d tried to talk to him.</p>
<p>Was that what this was? She wasn’t over him? He hoped that was the case because he most definitely wasn’t over her either.</p>
<p>You didn’t just get over someone like Lexie. She was a ray of sunshine in the form of a human being. A sharp mind, a passion for her work, never ending amounts of love and a sense of innocence that not many women possessed unless they lacked maturity. She was different. Younger, yes, but often more mature than he was despite their large age gap.</p>
<p>“Mark? Hi, is everything okay?” The sight of Derek behind a now-open door caused tears to form in his eyes. The only reason Derek was stood there was because Lexie had sent her brother-in-law to get rid of him.</p>
<p>Mark Sloan was the last person she’d wanted to see, just as he’d expected. Any possibility of her changing her mind and opening the door again was gone.</p>
<p>“Lexie.” He gestured inside the house, the tears now streaming down his face. He didn’t cry in front of Derek much but Mark was aware that each time he had done so in the last year and a half was as a result of his heartbreak over his ex-girlfriend.</p>
<p>“I know. I’m sorry, she’s not ready.” The look of sympathy wasn’t helping, it was making him feel weak. Mark wasn’t weak.</p>
<p>“I understand, it’s okay. I just needed to try.”</p>
<p>“You want to go out for a beer? Or we can go for a drive, just say the word.”</p>
<p>“Uh, maybe another time. I’m just gonna go home, hang out with Sloan. I’ll see you at work.” Sighing heavily, Mark walked away. When he reached the top step, Derek spoke again.</p>
<p>“She just needs time. You both do.”</p>
<p>He knew his best friend was right. Derek would never give him bad advice or lie to him and tell him everything would work out if it wouldn’t. But they’d had time. A whole year. How much more did they need?</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Did you get your girl back?” A way-too-eager blonde leapt up from the couch when she heard the click of the door, heading into the hall to interrogate him.</p>
<p>“No, she doesn’t wanna see me. Did you eat already?”</p>
<p>His daughter was back from college for the summer, trying to prove to him and to herself that she could be a functioning adult. After somehow convincing her not to give up on her education and to aim high, Mark had managed to form a bond with her.</p>
<p>Although they used father-daughter terms very loosely and he rarely tried to act like a parental figure in fear of her running out on him, she respected him and they had a solid friendship.</p>
<p>“I waited for you. I was thinking pasta?” Sloan’s offer of cooking was generous, but Mark wanted to drown his sorrows in greasy takeout food. Pushing past her into the kitchen, he handed her the menu for the local Chinese restaurant.</p>
<p>“Order what you want, I’ll have my usual.”</p>
<p>“You did knock on the door, didn’t you?” She was eyeing him cautiously. Having left for college a few months after Lexie left for New York, she’d seen him at his worst and feared that his ex’s return was leading him back down the same road. Who knew Sloan Riley actually cared about people?</p>
<p>“Yeah, I did. She slammed it in my face. You gonna keep questioning?”</p>
<p>“Just checking that all this junk food we’re about to consume is justified.”</p>
<p>“And your conclusion is?”</p>
<p>Sloan patted him on the shoulder with a grimace on her face. “Yeah, you need it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Switching the TV off without giving her Father the chance to become too engrossed in whatever he was watching, Sloan threw herself down next to him on the leather couch. It bounced with the impact.</p>
<p>“Talk.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need to talk, I’ll get over it.”</p>
<p>“Mark, we both know that Lexie Grey isn’t and will never be just an ex-girlfriend. She’s your entire world, and you’re hers.”</p>
<p>He threw his head back in despair. “If I was her world then why didn’t she stay here in Seattle? With me?” He rarely discussed Lexie with anyone other than Callie and Arizona, but when Sloan was there she acted more like a therapist.</p>
<p>The guilt washed over Sloan’s face. “She wasn’t ready to deal with me. I was too much for even an experienced Mother to handle and you chose to give me a chance, she wasn’t prepared. I don’t blame her…but, personally, I figured she was the only option for you."</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Standing in the kitchen of his apartment, their apartment, Mark wanted nothing more than to pull Lexie Grey into his arms and never let her go. Instead, he was fighting for her with every fibre of his being.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I should’ve asked you first, but I was so excited and I was so sure that it was the right thing. And you know why? Because of you. Since you, I know for the first time in my life what the right thing is.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m happy for you, I really am. Something happened today, you became a Dad. A real one. And Sloan, against all odds, became a Mom. But I didn’t. I was barely ready to move in with you, never mind your daughter and grandbaby. I, I just…I don’t want this.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You wanted to give your liver to your Dad! This is what you do for family, right?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I understand why you are doing it. I just don't understand why I’m doing it.” She couldn’t let her plan change because of this. She had to keep pushing forward and give herself the life she had been working towards, not the life that Mark wanted to share with her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Oh, I think you’re doing it for me.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Don’t make me out to be the selfish one for ending this. You don’t get to unilaterally decide to let a teenager and her infant move into our house.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Well we’ll get a bigger place! She needs us….Lexie, I thought I missed this. This is a chance for me. Don’t make me choose between you and her.” His eyes were pleading, but Lexie wasn’t letting them influence her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Why? Because you’ll choose her?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The silence stretched on and Mark knew the inevitable answer. "Yeah. I’ll choose her.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Lexie sighed heavily, a sad smile forming on her lips. "I think our relationship just ended."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Cupping his face with her hands, she pulled him close and kissed him, but Mark didn't react. He couldn't. He was unable to comprehend that it was all over. Although they didn’t know it at the time, not only was that kiss their last but so was that conversation. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re my kid, Sloan. I wanted to do right by you, make up for lost time and help you because you needed me. Lexie is her own woman, she didn't want me as much as I wanted her.”</p>
<p>“We’ll agree to disagree on that.” Sloan bit her lip nervously.</p>
<p>“You’re not finished, are you?” He could see her physically trying to hold back on the honesty.</p>
<p>“No, I’m not. Why the hell else would she leave?! You don’t move to a different state and give up so much of your existing life unless you love a person too much to be around them but not with them.”</p>
<p>“Will you quit blaming yourself? Welcoming you and your son into my life turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and if Lexie can’t find it in her heart to be part of our family, maybe I should just give up on the idea.” He was trying his best to channel anger, but the truth was he was the furthest thing from angry. Just broken.</p>
<p>Sloan switched the TV back on, awaiting the arrival of their takeout. The silence between them was agonising. She still wasn’t done.</p>
<p>“Do me a favour? Don’t move on.” When Mark looked bewildered and started to open his mouth, Sloan sighed. “Seriously, don’t try. From what I've heard, that woman changed you. If it weren't for her, I might not even have a Dad, okay? So just...give her time to think but don’t go doing any thinking of your own. Let her take control of this. You owe her that.” </p>
<p>Mark nodded. She was right, he did owe her that. He owed Lexie a lot of things.</p>
<p>“Can you put my food in the fridge? I’ll eat it some other time. Don’t have much of an appetite right now.” He stood up slowly, his tone flat. Sloan was looking at him with pity.</p>
<p>“Okay. Sleep well.”</p>
<p>He scoffed as he left the room. Mark Sloan had not had one single decent night’s sleep in the last three hundred and sixty five days. Not one of the women he brought home was allowed to spend the night. They weren’t even given the luxury of being in his bed. Lexie’s bed. That bed was reserved for the day she wanted to come home to him. If she ever did.</p>
<p>Every so-called date was led into the guest bedroom and then politely asked to leave, with the excuse of an early shift out of Mark’s mouth before any of them could start with the small talk.</p>
<p>His reputation had certainly made a comeback, but none of it filled the void like it had before he met Little Grey.</p>
<p>As his head hit the pillow, he inhaled deeply. She should be here. Cuddling into him so he could listen to her breathing until he drifted off. Until she was ready, he would have to continue staring at the ceiling. He just hoped it wouldn’t be another year. Or five. Or ten. But however long she needed, that was how long he’d wait.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Pager</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hovering outside the door to Chief Webber’s office, Lexie was more nervous now than when she’d broken the news to him that she was leaving. She knew that staff came and went all the time, but she also knew he’d be hard pushed to find a replacement for Lexie specifically. She was leaving behind multiple complex cases and studies.</p>
<p>As it turned out, she hadn't needed to be so worried back then, because Webber had taken it upon himself to act as a Father figure to her as well as Meredith, and wanted her to thrive both personally and professionally. Whatever that meant for Seattle Grace.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“Have you made a decision?” Instead of taking a seat behind his desk, he made himself comfortable on the couch and patted the space next to him while he ate pasta from a tupperware box.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This was the norm for them now. Word had got out overnight about her and Mark, and a week later she was still using Webber’s office to have lunch in so she didn’t have to face anyone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Can I just start off with saying I’m sorry?” Lexie hung her head in shame, not wanting him to judge her for running from her problems. The chief was busy eating his lunch but Lexie couldn’t handle the thought of food, not when she was about to say something she couldn’t simply take back.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You don’t need to apologise. I was young and in love once, too.” He smiled fondly at the memory of both Ellis and Adele. “Mark Sloan is a big name here at Seattle Grace, it’s understandable that you’d feel trapped.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I just don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate and value my career and my time here. So much has changed for me, I wish I hadn’t let things progress with Sloan.” Wiping the tears from her face, Lexie continued. “Sorry, I’m talking like we’re friends. It’s not professional, I know.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“We can be friends, Grey. You can never have too many…I’m proud of you, you know. You and Meredith are very similar, very career-focused.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I just let my heart get in the way, right?” She sniffled and gladly accepted a tissue.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Well, I wouldn’t say it got in the way. You just…have a lot of love to give. Maybe this whole Mark thing gave you the ability to open up, to balance things a little more. I’ll be honest, Grey, I wish I had your courage.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Knowing that Chief Webber was proud of her rather than disappointed should’ve been a relief, but the excitement on his face on her first day back had left her feeling guilty. Again.</p>
<p>“Grey?” He opened the door, pulling her into his standard awkward embrace. “Come on in, we have a lot to catch up on!”</p>
<p>Following him to the couch, Lexie relaxed. This couch was the safe-zone, one that lacked any kind of intense, official vibe where she felt like she was in trouble.</p>
<p>“You re-organised your desk?” She was attempting to distract him so she wouldn’t have to talk about herself. There were so many things she kept to herself these days, and it wasn’t just because she didn’t want people to resent her for creating a new life without them.</p>
<p>“I see your photographic memory is still working! How’s New York?” The mention of it made her nauseous, but Lexie couldn’t let it show.</p>
<p>“It’s great! The city is very fast-paced but I have a few hideaways.” Not wanting to give any more away, she stopped there. As little detail as possible was key, even when talking to Meredith and Derek.</p>
<p>“And the hospital? Do you like the staff there? I never pictured you as someone who would enjoy New York, but you’ve been full of surprises since-” Webber clamped his mouth shut, realising his mistake.</p>
<p>“Since Mark Sloan entered my life? I know.” She smiled. He was right, she had changed and just like her friends and family had told her, it was a good thing. Although, most of them had only said such things prior to their break-up. While Webber thought that her leaving Seattle was brave, maybe her friends thought, like she did, that it was pathetic.</p>
<p>“I’ll admit I’ve been keeping tabs on you over there.” The words sent a shiver down Lexie’s spine, and she was sure Webber had noticed her walls go up. How detailed was the feedback he’d received? “Don’t worry, I’m not fussing over your personal life, just your career. How do you like working with Doctor Hartley?”</p>
<p>“She’s great, I’m learning a lot. It isn’t too different to Seattle Grace in terms of the way they do things, so I adjusted quite fast.”</p>
<p>“That’s wonderful, Hartley said a lot of good things about you. I hope you’re making new friends too? We can’t have you shutting yourself away at the end of every shift.”</p>
<p>“I have a few, enough to keep me sane. It’s not like here in Seattle though.”</p>
<p>“Ah yes, you gathered quite a little swarm of people here.” Silence fell over them and Lexie couldn’t decide what to say next. She didn’t want to admit that she missed everyone and wanted to come back so desperately, because that would mean revealing that Mark Sloan was no longer her only obstacle in returning.</p>
<p>“Any new doctors who have made a lasting impression?”</p>
<p>“None on your level, Grey, no. Actually, there’s something I want to discuss.” Webber shifted so he was facing her better, meaning that Lexie couldn’t avoid eye contact any longer. “Would you ever consider coming back to work here at Seattle Grace? We’d love to have you back permanently. It would be a huge benefit to the hospital and I think to you, too.”</p>
<p>There it was. The question she’d been dreading. Everyone else, Derek especially, had assumed she was back permanently anyway and she’d been able to go along with it but now that Webber was directly asking her, she had to tell him the truth.</p>
<p>“Honestly, Chief, I haven’t really thought about it. At the moment, my plan is to head back to New York in a few weeks. I have responsibilities there too, patients who need me. Doctor Hartley is relying on me.” It was a lame excuse considering people had been relying on her here too. </p>
<p>“Okay, well there will always be a job waiting for you. Let me know if you want to jump in while you’re here this time. I know it’s not standard procedure to give you privileges at your career level but I’ll make an exception.” He hands her a pager. “I’ve seen your work and heard all about your progress so uh, it would be an honour. I’ll let you get back to your day, thanks for coming to see me, Lexie.”</p>
<p>Lexie beamed at him, happy to be able to keep up with her work. “Thanks, Chief.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Leaving Webber’s office, she took a deep breath. The knowledge that she really could return permanently was making her head spin.</p>
<p>She was already missing out on Zola growing up, and she knew that Derek and her sister were aiming to extend their family soon. Did she want to be absent for even more of their lives?</p>
<p>And yet there was a life back in New York that she wasn’t sure she was ready to let go of. It had been an escape, one that she had come to value, but what if she was seeing it for more than it was?</p>
<p>Coffee. She needed coffee. It always helped her regain focus and get a grasp on situations, and the coffee at the food truck here was a million times better than the new one she’d been trying desperately to like.</p>
<p>She made a beeline for the exit, keeping her head down so nobody would stop her for a chat on her way out. The last thing she needed was to run into her ex.</p>
<p>“Are you a doctor?” Outside, Lexie was approached by a woman with burns covering the left side of her face. They looked pretty severe, and Lexie knew there were only two doctors she’d be here to see. It was just a gamble as to which one Lexie would no doubt be about to chase down.</p>
<p>After a moment of hesitation, she responded. “Yes, I am. Can I help you with anything?”</p>
<p>“My Doctor had another emergency and missed my appointment, but I’m not from Seattle. I traveled here from Florida for a consultation and this is my only chance for months to see your team here.”</p>
<p>“Who’s your doctor?”</p>
<p>“Doctor Avery. We talked on the phone, and he assured me he would try to help. I mean, I know he has an emergency, but isn’t there someone else? They said Doctor Sloan was busy but do you know when he’ll be available?”</p>
<p>Confusion washed over her. Sloan shouldn’t be too busy, he didn’t have a surgery until the late afternoon. Not that she had checked the board or anything. Definitely not.</p>
<p>Against her better judgement, Lexie knew she had a duty as a doctor. “Why don’t we head inside? If you wait in reception, I’ll go look for Doctor Sloan and see if he can help you out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Derek!” At the sight of her brother-in-law, Lexie grabbed hold of his arm. “Have you seen Mark?”</p>
<p>“Wha- why on Earth do you want to see Mark? You’re anti-Mark. Which, like I said, I understa-”</p>
<p>“Avery had to skip out on a consultation and this lady is here from Florida, she needs to see someone today.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Have you tried paging him?” When Lexie looked down at the floor, avoiding his gaze, Derek sighed. “Lex, I can’t help you here. I’m tied up with a patient. You’ll have to locate him and talk to him directly, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Guess I’ve gotta grow up sometime, right?”</p>
<p>“It’s not about growing up, you’re dealing with it in a way that’s working for you.” Placing his arm around her shoulder, Derek kissed the top of her head in pure big-brother fashion. “You find him and talk to him and Mer and I will console you later, okay? You’ve got this. I’ll bring ice cream!”</p>
<p>Although his words hadn’t instilled much confidence in her, Lexie didn’t want to let him down. Derek had always had a lot of pride in her, and she was already embarrassed enough.</p>
<p>After paging Mark and waiting for ten minutes, she checked the surgery board again. Lexie sighed heavily. Mark’s name still wasn’t on there which meant she would have to navigate through the hospital again.</p>
<p>She checked everywhere she expected him to be, desperately avoiding the most likely place.</p>
<p>Standing in the middle of the corridor, Lexie attempted to page him one last time. When she heard the beeping from behind the door, her worst fears were confirmed. She took a few moments to concentrate on her breathing, hoping that he would actually take notice of his pager before she was forced to knock. Of course she wouldn’t be so lucky.</p>
<p>“I’m busy!” He called out and Lexie rolled her eyes, the disbelief causing her to laugh.</p>
<p>“Yeah, and I really wish I wasn’t stood out here right now listening to you doing whatever it is you’re doing, but there’s a patient downstairs who has come all the way fr-” She stopped when Mark opened the door to the on-call room. Shirtless.</p>
<p>“Shoot, sorry.” The sound of his voice combined with his lack of clothing left Lexie at a loss for words. “Continue…”</p>
<p>“You, uh…Jackson?”</p>
<p>“What? You need to find Jackson?” The stupid smirk on his face should’ve made her blush, but his arrogance spurred her on.</p>
<p>“He had an emergency and can’t see his patient. She came all the way from Florida and I promised her I’d find you, so here I am.” Lexie was painfully aware that she was staring at his upper body instead of his face, and not being subtle about it at all, but at least his chest didn’t have any kind of facial expression.</p>
<p>“Okay, is she in the waiting room?” Lexie nodded. Opening the door a little wider, Mark went back in for his shirt and spoke to whoever was in the on-call room with him. “Catch you later.…Jane?”</p>
<p>He gave a shameless “oops” expression and grinned at Lexie as he threw his shirt over his head. The flex of his muscles almost distracted her from his ridiculously large ego, but not quite.</p>
<p>What was his game? There was no way he was so unaffected by her return. No way. This was a show. He was trying to prove he was the same old Mark Sloan he’d been when they met, but the reality was he could never return to being that guy full-time.</p>
<p>Despite his track record and his current behaviour, she could rest assured that Mark had never given her a “catch you later” and left her in bed alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Reese's</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ll see you in three weeks, take care of yourself.” As Mark said goodbye to his Florida patient, he braced himself for what was next. When Little Grey wasn’t stood outside the room waiting for him, he realised that he’d probably damaged their relationship even further. That seemed to be the only thing he was good at when it came to her. Constantly veering her off the path she’d worked so hard to create for her life.</p>
<p>How could he have been so foolish? Sleeping with a nurse during work hours was bad enough, but to do it when he knew Lex would likely be in the same building? Pure ignorance.</p>
<p>He didn’t like who he had become, and if Lexie told him she wanted him back he could switch it all off again in an instant and be the man she loved and deserved. But if she didn’t tell him such a thing, he was going to continue using casual sex as a coping mechanism. He didn’t care who he hurt along the way, as long as he wasn’t thinking about everything he didn’t have.</p>
<p>One peek through the gap in the blinds of the residents’ room confirmed that she was in there, stress eating. She saved stress-eating for special occasions, when she felt out of control. Was she really that bothered, though? He assumed that she would’ve been getting over him by now, considering she was the one who had left, but maybe he’d assumed wrong.</p>
<p>Mark should be the one stress eating.</p>
<p>“Enjoying your peanut butter cups? You know, I ordered you a huge box of them before you left…guess they didn’t arrive in time.” She looked up at him, her appetite gone. </p>
<p>“That wouldn’t have fixed anything, Mark.” He was taken aback by the harsh tone of voice but his face softened when he realised he’d caused this particular icy exchange. He deserved it.</p>
<p>He pushed her legs off the coffee table so he could pass and sit next to her. He’d done it on instinct and she hadn’t freaked out, but making physical contact was still strange.</p>
<p>“I know it wouldn’t. I should’ve asked Meredith to send them all to you anyway, you probably needed them.” Lexie raised an eyebrow and he held back a laugh. Clearly, he was right. “They didn’t go to waste.”</p>
<p>“You used food as stress relief? Really? I thought you used your catalogue of desperate nurses. Or was that something you only reverted back to once you realised you’d run out of candy?”</p>
<p>He was unsure if her reaction was called for. How could she be mad at him for going back to his old ways? She wasn’t around anymore and she’d never contacted him, never told him she was coming back for him. On the other hand, she’d left because she couldn’t possibly handle being around him and not with him. It wasn’t exactly her choice in the end.</p>
<p>“Everyone has needs, Lex. You know what I’m like, it’s never been a secret.”</p>
<p>“I thought that you being with me, committed to me, had changed the way you act. And at work? When we were together, you never would’ve dreamed of ignoring your pager.”</p>
<p>“What can I say? You were my good influence.” Lexie sighed in defeat, putting her head in her hands. When Mark placed a hand on her back, she flinched but didn’t move away. “I’m sorry I upset you, Lex. I didn’t think it would get to you this much.”</p>
<p>She turned, locking eyes with him. “I’m not upset that you were having sex at work, or at all, I’m just surprised that you thought it was okay.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure that’s all?” She shifted, his hand still on her back. He couldn’t help but notice the way she was leaning towards him slightly. He put the thought to the back of his mind. The physical chemistry had been there from day one, he shouldn’t read into it.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I mean, you’re a respected doctor and you care about your patients more than you care about yourself at times but this is just…it’s selfish.” Mark could feel the disappointment radiating from her body.</p>
<p>“I know. I’ll do better.” He would never admit this to her, but he had internally vowed that the nurse she’d just caught him with would be the last. The next woman he touched would be Lexie. So, he may have to become a monk. But that was fine.</p>
<p>Having his beloved Little Grey back in Seattle, seeing her gorgeous smile, hearing her laugh echo through the corridors, being reminded of everything they’d had and how he’d been a better person because of it, had sparked a new determination. Maybe if Mark started acting like the version of himself that Lexie had inspired, she’d change her tune.</p>
<p>She’d probably got word of some of his more shocking recent behaviour, not just the sleeping around, but the drinking, arguing with staff. He didn’t want to continue on the path he was on and reverting to the pre-Lexie version of himself. She deserved better.</p>
<p>“Want one?” He was pulled out of his inner-monologue by her voice. She was holding a peanut butter cup in front of him. He took it, but before eating it, he started thinking about the first few days after she’d left.</p>
<p>He wasn’t lying when he’d said he’d demolished the box of candy. He’d moped on Derek and Meredith’s couch, only moving when they returned from work and he’d gone up to the attic. Instead of watching videos of surgeries, he had rewatched her favourite movies over and over again. That house no longer held positive memories of their relationship, it was the place where he’d given up.</p>
<p>He should’ve gone after her. Chased her through airport security, gone all the way to New York if he’d had to. Standing in their apartment and telling her they could have it all was not him fighting for her. It was him fighting for himself.</p>
<p>What she didn’t know, something that he’d made Derek promise he would never tell her, was that it took him three months to get back to work. In that time, Jackson had become the new Mark Sloan and Mark had failed to pick up where he’d left off.</p>
<p>He needed time to adjust, and just as he was beginning to think he had, she was back. He’d been thrown off his game again but this time he wanted to be back to normal, he wanted to prove himself.</p>
<p>“How’s New York?” He wasn’t convinced that he actually wanted to know, or perhaps part of him wanted her to be miserable there so she was more likely to stay in Seattle. Her sister was a fool if she thought Lexie wasn’t going to leave them again. Hell, he wished he could leave just to make her stay where she belonged.</p>
<p>“It’s good. Different, but I’m learning.”</p>
<p>“You think you’re gonna stay there for good?”</p>
<p>“You know I’m not in Seattle to stay, don’t you?” She gazed at him.</p>
<p>“Lex, why would you? You left for a reason, and that reason is sat on this couch next to you. Unless I go, you’re not staying. And I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can go anywhere. I would love to, so you feel comfortable here, but it’s not feasible for me.”</p>
<p>Sometimes, he felt like he actually owed it to her to leave but with his grandson’s adoptive parents living close enough right now to visit regularly, he wasn’t willing to jeopardise it.</p>
<p>“I know. You have a life here too now, right? You built one in Seattle just like I did, and now I’ve built one in New York. You don’t need to go, I’m happy there.” He nodded slowly but the guilt was still unbearable. She’d loved it here, her family was here. “Are you still in contact with Sloan?”</p>
<p>Lexie bit her lip, eyeing him cautiously. Did she want the truth, or did she want him to brush it off with a vague response? He didn’t want to lie to her.</p>
<p>“I am. She’s at college, but she comes to stay for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Summer break. I see her Son a couple of times a month, too.” Mark realised that his hand was now on the couch behind her instead of on her back and he missed the contact.</p>
<p>“That’s good. I’m glad he’s in your life, Sloan too. Good job on changing her mind on college, I’m impressed.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well…after you left, she changed too. She’s not manipulative anymore, for a start. She thinks about other people, considers the consequences of her actions…She hates herself for the way she was when she first came to town, Lex. She’s convinced she caused me to lose you.”</p>
<p>Mark spoke before he could stop himself, but Lexie began to respond. “Well, yeah…I mean, <em>wow</em> she was a bitch.”</p>
<p>“Trust me, I know. We all thought it, not just you.” Mark knew however that his daughter’s attitude wasn’t the only problem, and Lexie’s next sentence confirmed it.</p>
<p>“Things wouldn’t have worked out differently if she was the sweetest, most angelic human to ever walk the planet, though. I just need to make that clear. I still wouldn’t have been ready for family life.”</p>
<p>“I know. You don’t have to explain yourself. I just always thought that you and me were inevitable, that we could make it through anything.”</p>
<p>“Timing.” Lexie shrugged and looked away, her brunette locks falling over shoulder. That one word may not have intended to give Mark hope, but it did. Was she saying that when she was ready for a family, she’d be ready for his family in particular? He couldn’t have thoughts like that running through his mind. Not if he wanted his sanity, or what was left of it, to remain intact.</p>
<p>“Tell me more about New York. I know you’re learning, but what’s life like in the city? Sorry, you’ve probably been asked this a million times but as a loyal New Yorker myself…” He had to admit he was a little shocked that she’d moved there of all places.</p>
<p>“There’s not much to tell. I work, I go out with friends, I go to dinner more than I eat in, and I sleep nowhere near as much as I should.”</p>
<p>“And that’s it?” He needed more.</p>
<p>“That’s it. Listen, Mark, there are things that I like to keep to myself about my life there and until you and I can establish a friendship again, it’s going to stay that way. Just know that I’m happy, okay? Surely that’s enough?”</p>
<p>But it wasn’t enough. He wanted details, he wanted to know every intimate detail. Anything that would give him a sign that she missed him enough to come home to him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s enough.” Her walls were back up, and my god he wanted to tear them down again.</p>
<p>“So, have I missed anything? I haven’t really had a chance to catch up with anyone.” Was Little Grey actually initiating a conversation about something other than their shambles of a relationship?</p>
<p>“Avery and Kepner.”</p>
<p>“Are you <em>serious</em>?” Her eyes widened and he laughed. The two of them had had their eye on April and Jackson for what seemed like forever.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, one hundred percent. Avery thinks nobody knows, but I know when one half of the plastics posse is up to something.”</p>
<p>“How did you work it out?” She was practically bouncing in her seat and it was such a relief to be talking normally like this.</p>
<p>“He left his phone on the bar when we were out for a few beers. Got a text from someone called Red and then he left. They were both late for work the next morning and I am telling you, the tension in that elevator was unmatched.”</p>
<p>“Kepner is never living this down.”</p>
<p>“You can’t let on that you know. Avery has no idea that I caught them, I’m just waiting for him to slip up so I can be smug about it.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, it can be our little secret for now.”</p>
<p>“I like where your head’s at, Little Grey.”</p>
<p>If he didn’t know any better, Mark would’ve sworn her eyes lit up at the use of her nickname. But just as quickly as she’d relaxed, Lexie went all quiet, like she was nervous around him.</p>
<p>“I should go. I have some errands to run…” She stood up and headed for the door, taking her wrappers with her as she went.</p>
<p>“Okay.” He didn’t know if he should ask her what was on his mind, or just leave it alone. “Lex?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Did I overstep? Coming in here and talking?”</p>
<p>She smiled at him. It was genuine, but it broke his heart. “No, Mark. It was nice to be honest about everything, and to forget our issues for a brief moment. I could get used to it.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” He smiled back at her, matching the hurt.</p>
<p>He wanted her to get used to it so bad. He wanted things to be okay between them, for her to realise that they really could work. His situation was different now, Sloan was different and their arrangement was structured. She didn’t rely on Mark to be her full-time parent, she was her own woman and not much had really changed for Mark on a day to day basis.</p>
<p>Lexie didn’t have to be a Mom. She just had to be Lexie. But how long would it take for that thought to cross her mind?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Details</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mark’s conversation with Lexie had left him curious and he was desperate for a second shot at prying some details out of her. Her unwillingness to open up about New York shouldn’t be a shock when he considered how bad things were between them before, but he’d been open with her and was hoping for a similar response.</p>
<p>She had also said that she wanted to keep things private until they were friends again, which surely meant that she was keen to build bridges. It wasn’t that he was sticking his nose in and trying to get gossip out of her or even that he wanted to get close to her again, he just needed to be sure that her life in New York was as good, if not better, than her life in Seattle.</p>
<p>He needed to know that she wouldn’t resent him for being the one to push her to leave. He needed closure.</p>
<p>The fact that she hadn’t disclosed names of any friends worried him. At least here she’d had close bonds with a large portion of the staff and had found her half-sister. Even after she lost Mark, she had them. One week wasn’t enough time for her to heal. She never gave herself a chance, she just decided almost instantly that being around him was too much for her.</p>
<p>She’d moved on and was living a happy life without him. Good for her, but Mark couldn’t say the same. Lexie had moved forwards and he’d moved ten steps backwards.</p>
<p>He smacked his golf club against the ground in frustration.</p>
<p>“You know you’re supposed to hit the ball? Not the concrete.” Derek gave him a cautious glance.</p>
<p>“I know, Derek.” He didn’t mean to snap at his friend, but he was trying to decide if he wanted to talk through his concerns or bottle everything up. He should’ve seen the therapist that everyone kept recommending, Callie and Arizona especially. In fact, he should’ve done it out of respect for the people around him.</p>
<p>“You spoke to Lexie.” It wasn’t a question. Derek knew it for a fact.</p>
<p>“Did she tell you about it?”</p>
<p>“Last night? No, she came home and went straight up to bed. She did come looking for you yesterday morning though, and judging by your aggression towards that poor golf club, I’d say she found you.”</p>
<p>Mark looked down at the club which was bent slightly out of shape. He grabbed another one and switched it out, lining up to take a swing at the ball itself this time.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, Lexie found me alright.” He hit the ball with force, watching it hurtle off the rooftop.</p>
<p>“Well, that’s unfortunate.” Mark didn’t have to be specific for his friend to know what he was implying. Over the last year, Derek had been the one picking up the pieces. Between him, Callie, Arizona and Meredith, they had somehow stopped him from getting to a place where he was beyond help.</p>
<p>If Derek Shepherd could forgive Mark for sleeping with his ex-wife, he was sure he and Lexie could work around a nineteen year old who popped back into their lives a few times a year.</p>
<p>“How much do you know about New York?”</p>
<p>“You mean Lexie’s time there?” Mark nodded in response. “Not much. She hasn’t even told Meredith anything, which is even more frustrating. I don’t expect my wife to tell me personal details about her sister’s life, I mean, it’s not my business, but she really knows nothing.”</p>
<p>“Wait, Mer knows nothing? At all?”</p>
<p>“We get basic information about where she’s been and cases she’s worked on, that’s it. She always turns the attention on us and Zola. Did she tell you anything?”</p>
<p>“Just that she doesn’t get much sleep and she doesn’t eat in much.”</p>
<p>“Well the sleep part is no surprise, but the eating part? She used to love Friday night pizza and dinner parties.”</p>
<p>“And eating salted popcorn on the couch while we watched groundbreaking surgeries.” Mark smiled faintly at the memory before sighing. Throwing the golf club to the ground, he yelled. “Fuck!” Derek jumped, but didn’t say anything. “I thought she was the one, Derek, you know? We were supposed to have what you and Meredith have.”</p>
<p>“What we have isn’t perfect either, Mark. The start of our relationship was hell and we handled it all wrong, and we still have problems. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Look at Callie and Arizona, too. Every relationship has obstacles.”</p>
<p>“Obstacles? She left the state to get away from me. She refused to talk to me when she came home, and the thing that made her leave is still here.”</p>
<p>“Until you two have a real conversation, who’s to say she isn’t ready for all that? She might be holding back because she thinks you don’t want her anymore. From her perspective, it probably looks like you’re pretty content with where your life is at.”</p>
<p>“If she was ready, don’t you think she’d have run into my arms and told me that? You know Lex, she gives her whole heart to everything and everyone. If she wanted me, I’d be with her right now. But she doesn’t. She stopped wanting me the second I betrayed her and moved my daughter into our apartment without asking.”</p>
<p>Derek put his own golf club down now, taking a seat on the ground next to where Mark had settled. The two of them weren’t sure what to say next. Mark didn’t want to mope anymore, he wanted to find a way to get over her, and Derek wanted to encourage him to stick it out.</p>
<p>“I don’t think she ever stopped wanting you.” Mark’s frustration turned to tears as he listened to his best friend. “She didn’t want the family that you suddenly created, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t want you. You were all she ever talked about, Mark. No eighteen year old daughter was going to change the way she felt about <em>you</em>. Besides, she doesn’t know half of what happened after she left. She’ll come to you, and when she does, you need to pour your damn heart out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Lexie had just been to dinner, alone, and was walking back into the hospital to meet Meredith. Her conversation with Mark had left her with a lot to think about, and she was feeling uneasy. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep it together, especially with Meredith already being able to read her better than she’d expected. They weren’t similar, but they had this weird connection that Lexie hadn’t even had with their sister Molly.</p>
<p>She’d never been good at keeping secrets, always finding herself getting carried away in conversation and saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.</p>
<p>Her best kept secret had always been her relationship with Mark until things got too serious for them to hide. Her family, friends, even the hospital staff finding out had been a huge relief. She could talk freely about him and she didn’t have pressure on her shoulders, weighing her down.</p>
<p>New York had eventually taken her freedom away when it was supposed to give her even more.</p>
<p>She didn’t like hiding things, but the thought of anyone back in Seattle finding out her new secret was too much of a risk. It would crush the people who loved her. The nature of the secret was bad enough, but the fact that she was keeping it a secret in the first place? She couldn’t do that to them.</p>
<p>Seeing that both her sister and Derek were in an emergency surgery, Lexie opted to head to the cafeteria. It was likely to be a people-free zone late in the evening but she was aware that sometimes her friends would head here for a post-surgery snack before going home. She was hoping for a familiar face or two, just not Mark’s. But even being around her friends made her vulnerable.</p>
<p>She’d missed them and wanted to be around them every second she was here in Seattle, and yet she knew that one question would lead to hundreds more. They were curious, perhaps even worried, and they had every right to the juicy details.</p>
<p>She couldn’t last the next few weeks sitting in restaurants by herself, of which her and Mark had been to most of the local ones, waiting for her sister to drop everything to hang out with her. She could busy herself with patients or sit in Chief Webber’s office like she had immediately after the breakup, but it was clear that she needed to get over her insecurities and put on a brave face.</p>
<p>Walking into the almost-empty room, she spotted her closest female friends at a table in the centre of the room. She’d been right in thinking that they might be there, and right that nobody else would be.</p>
<p>“Lexie, hey!” April’s enthusiasm was endearing but terrifying. These girls loved drama and gossip and would do just about anything to force information out of each other.</p>
<p>“We were just talking about you!” Arizona smiled, pushing a chair out and inviting Lexie to take a seat. Talking about her? That wasn’t a good sign.</p>
<p>“You were?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we were betting on how long you’re staying for.” Jo chimed in.</p>
<p>When Lexie had first started out at Seattle Grace, the likes of her and Jo Wilson wouldn’t have found themselves sat at the ‘grownups table’ as they called it. When her and Mark had gone public, Lexie had made it her mission to form real friendships with these women. She wanted to be viewed as an equal and she wanted Mark’s friends to be her friends.</p>
<p>She was thankful that they’d been welcoming upon her return rather than icing her out. Not a single person had given her the cold shoulder, come to think of it.</p>
<p>“I’m only here for a few weeks.”</p>
<p>“Have you told Derek and Mer?” Callie frowned. “Because, uh, pretty sure they’re about to go all out and throw some wild party.”</p>
<p>Lexie’s heart started racing. With their obvious excitement at her return, she should’ve known better than to keep that from them. A party would be great, but in her honour? Absolutely not.</p>
<p>“Hey! Let’s do girl’s night this weekend. We all have Saturday off, right?” Arizona pulled out her phone and opened up her calendar app. “Callie, we can host it at our place.”</p>
<p>“I’ll come over early to help with dinner! Oooh and I’ll bring the wine. White or red? Or maybe both!” April was practically bouncing in her chair, and Lexie didn’t have the heart to turn them all down. This was what she needed; time with her friends.<br/><br/>Maybe if she confessed everything to Meredith beforehand, she wouldn’t feel like her secret was such a big deal. Telling one person might be enough for her to stay sane and prevent her from letting slip.</p>
<p>One thing was for sure; the idea of getting drunk and letting alcohol do the talking was off the cards for Lexie Grey.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Photos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stepping out of Meredith’s car, Lexie was overwhelmed. She was facing a beautiful suburban home, the front yard featuring a healthy green lawn that couldn’t possibly be maintained by two full-time doctors.</p>
<p>How had Callie and Arizona got to this point in their lives in less than one year? When Lexie had left for New York, Arizona was still in Africa.</p>
<p>Arizona had returned to Seattle weeks after Lexie had departed, and all she knew was that Callie and Arizona had found their way back to each other and here they were: living the dream with a literal white picket fence.</p>
<p>“Not what you expected?” Her sister’s voice startled her.</p>
<p>“How did they go from hating each other and resenting each other, to this? I mean, getting back together is one thing but they’ve leapt so far ahead it’s like they’ve been married for ten years. You and Derek have been together for ages and you adopted Zola but even you two still house-share with a bunch of other people.”</p>
<p>Meredith didn't say anything for a while. The two of them stood on the sidewalk, continuing to admire the house. “A lot can change in a year.” Lexie turned to look at her, confusion written across her face. There was something Mer wasn’t telling her.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The door was flung open to reveal a scene that screamed chaos. From the impromptu dance party happening in the lounge to the smoke alarm going off in the kitchen, the Grey sisters had entered what resembled a zoo. Their friends were producing so much noise it was like half the female staff at Seattle Grace were in attendance, but in reality there were only six of them.</p>
<p>“Arizona, put the wine <em>down</em>! I need help with the pie.” April was visibly stressing over pastry, and Lexie couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of the redhead covered in flour. This was far better than sitting on Meredith’s couch crying into a tub of mint choc chip.</p>
<p>“Who’s idea was it to have pie? We should be ordering takeout food, not cooking a five-course meal. Do you really think Lexie is going to care about what she’s eating? It’s Lexie. She’s easily pleased, she’d just appreciate our presence.”</p>
<p>“They’re here!” Jo took their jackets, hanging them in a rather cluttered storage closet. “Why am I always the only calm one at these parties?” She looked at them, exasperated.</p>
<p>“Wilson, you’re the only one who can handle Arizona when she’s been drinking. If you don’t keep calm, the night ends with her injuring herself or breaking something valuable.” Meredith was striking up conversation with Jo, something that Lexie had never witnessed before. Those two hadn’t exactly always kept it friendly.</p>
<p>“Lexie!” The dance party came to a sudden halt when the participants noticed her. With her sister and Jo having wandered into the kitchen to help out, Lexie was an open target. She’d been closer with Cristina towards the end of her time in Seattle, her photographic memory being something they bonded over, but Teddy was keen to pull her in for a hug.</p>
<p>“How are you?” Lexie was timid around them. Maybe a couple of drinks would stop the nerves, just as long as she didn’t go too crazy. She couldn’t start blabbing the way Arizona and April did after a few glasses.</p>
<p>“Oh we’re fine, great, good, whatever, how are <em>you</em>? You’re working with Hartley now?”</p>
<p>In between discussing the work of Lexie’s new attending and the gossip regarding everyone’s latest dating experiences, Callie had placed a glass of red wine in Lexie’s hand and it had been refilled twice since.</p>
<p>Lex had learned to handle her drink quite well since meeting Meredith, especially since one of the first times they had really talked was when they both had alcohol to help ease the tension they were feeling. Three glasses of wine total wasn't quite a recipe for disaster, but it was at this point that she had to watch herself. Dinner hadn’t even been served, but Lexie was already feeling a little fuzzy.</p>
<p>She’d found herself sharing an armchair with a very tipsy Arizona, who had decided that rather than grabbing an extra chair, there was definitely enough room for two. Lexie was trying to coax stories out of her friends so she didn’t have to do much talking.</p>
<p>“When did you move into this place?” Noting the lack of personal photos and the timeline of Callie and Arizona’s relationship, Lexie was curious.</p>
<p>“About six months ago, right Arizona?”</p>
<p>“We snapped it up <em>fast. </em>I mean, we kinda had to consider—“</p>
<p>“Considering we’ve been so busy with work. We don’t have time to eat dinner together, let alone go to hundreds of viewings in every neighbourhood.” Callie had stopped Arizona abruptly, the panic evident. The other women in the room had stopped talking amongst themselves and the only sound was April and Meredith in the kitchen, fighting over which dishes to serve first.</p>
<p>Lexie was aware that something was up, but decided to steer the conversation away from the route it was heading down to save Arizona letting anything slip and causing a riot. Looked like she wasn’t the only one with secrets. “I hardly even see my apartment, it’s like being an intern again.”</p>
<p>“You were so cute as an intern, Lexipedia!” Cristina chimed in.</p>
<p>“I wish we’d been interns together!” Jo pouted. She had only come to Seattle Grace four or five months before Lexie left, but the two had hit it off instantly. There was something about both of them dating attendings that made them different to the other interns and residents. When the rest of the staff labelled them as having an advantage, they were able to look past it.</p>
<p>“You remember when you were cramming for boards and nobody could talk to you unless they had candy to give you?” Arizona cackled, followed by a snort. She sat quietly for a few seconds, deep in thought.</p>
<p>“Az…” Callie looked at her in desperation.</p>
<p>“Peanut butter cups! That’s what it was!” Arizona threw her arms up, spilling wine on the carpet and causing her girlfriend to sigh. “Mark tipped us off about that.”</p>
<p>“That’s enough wine.” Jo took the glass from her hand as Callie set to work on finding cleaning supplies.</p>
<p>Staring at the stain on the carpet, Lexie couldn’t speak. This was the first time any of her female friends had mentioned Mark in the week that she’d been back, and it hit her harder than expected.</p>
<p>“Why did I say that? Lexie, I’m sorry! This is ladies night, and you know, the whole point of ladies night is to not talk about people who are not ladies. This is a man-free zone.” When it appeared that Arizona might genuinely start crying out of guilt through her mumbling, Lexie offered her a small smile.</p>
<p>“It’s fine, I promise.” She really wished she wasn’t lying, because she shouldn’t have to. A whole year had passed and Lexie shouldn’t still feel this way. She shouldn’t have to hide from the man or any mention of him and her friends shouldn’t have to shy away from the positive memories that all of them had shared just because Lexie couldn’t handle the thought of him.</p>
<p>She should be over it, over Mark, over the way he made her feel. Was she still in love with him or was it just the heartbreak talking? She knew the answer.</p>
<p>“Lexie?” Coming back to reality, Lexie was greeted by April waving and calling her name from the kitchen. “Can you come try this?”</p>
<p>She wandered in, only now noticing the smell of dinner. “This looks and smells amazing, April.”</p>
<p>“Thank you! I usually make this for Jackson and he says he loves it but since you’re the guest of honour, I want your honest opinion. Oh…yeah, Jackson and I are a thing.”</p>
<p>“Wait, do they all know?”</p>
<p>“They do! Jackson doesn’t know that they know, but come on. Does he really expect me not to tell the girls?”</p>
<p>“No mention of Jackson! Remember our rule!” Arizona’s voice rang out as Lexie tried a taste of the sauce that April had spent so long perfecting.</p>
<p>“Uh, okay well the no men rule applies to us because we’re straight, but what about you and Callie? It should technically be the no relationships rule but we can’t do that, can we?” April grinned at the satisfaction of proving a point, and her smile grew even wider when Lexie told her the sauce was great.</p>
<p>“Are you suggesting I send my girlfriend away on ladies night because that’s totally unfair. Callie is one of us.” Arizona had joined them at the counter, and was using Meredith to help her stay upright.</p>
<p>While the two of them argued back and forth, Lexie caught her sister’s eye. Despite her initial reaction and the war that was happening inside both her head and her heart, she was realising that Meredith pushing her to come here had been what she’d needed to guide her in the right direction.</p>
<p>“You good?”</p>
<p>“I’m good.”</p>
<p>“Dinner is ready, let’s go!” April called everyone to the table, Lexie being the last to reach her seat.</p>
<p>“Damn I forgot to light the candles. Hey, Lex? Can you grab the matches? They’re in the top drawer next to the refrigerator.”</p>
<p>“Sure!” Stepping back into the kitchen, Lexie noticed there were two drawers. “Left or right?”</p>
<p>“Uh, try the right?” She pulled on the drawer to open it. “Lex, wait!” Callie shot up from her seat but it was too late. In the drawer, covering the rest of the contents, were a selection of framed photos.</p>
<p>In that moment, everything made sense. The lack of photos on the walls, the lack of personal items. It wasn’t just because Callie and Arizona hadn’t lived here for long; it was because they were trying to protect Lexie’s feelings. All anyone had been doing from the moment Lexie had left Seattle was protecting her. Avoiding the subject of Mark and his post-breakup life, praying that she’d stop wondering.</p>
<p>She wished that everyone, including herself, hadn’t gone to such extremes.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>As much as she wanted to speak, to ask questions, Lexie was frozen to the spot. The photos were beautiful, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted the truth behind them.</p>
<p>Maybe it was a patient, right? But who would have photos of a patient in their own home? That wasn’t a thing that people did. Had Callie and Arizona adopted? No, no way. They couldn’t have gotten back together, purchased a house and adopted a baby in the space of one year. The timing didn’t make sense. And why would they have photos of Mark and not of Meredith or Teddy or Cristina or anyone else?</p>
<p>“Do you want the truth? We, uh, we owe you that.” Arizona had sobered up impressively fast and had planted herself firmly next to Lexie, arms wrapped round her in comfort.</p>
<p>“I guess.”</p>
<p>“Come sit down, you need to eat.”</p>
<p>Taking the matches with her, she closed the drawer, wishing she could metaphorically close it on the upcoming conversation too. Yes, she wanted the truth. Even though she knew it was going to destroy her and the brief progress she’d made over the last ten minutes. Everyone in the room knew it.</p>
<p>“Let’s start with what you do know.” Callie began as Meredith piled food onto her sister’s plate. “Before you came to Seattle Grace, Mark and I were involved.”</p>
<p>“Stop, please don’t tell me you were still…while…” The thought of Mark cheating on her made her feel nauseous.</p>
<p>“No! I promise, far from it. We stopped the second it was obvious he was interested in you. Besides, I had Arizona at that point.” Lexie nodded for her to continue. “When you left, Mark and I realised we were both alone. We were both reeling from the loss of you and Az and we picked up where we left off, thinking it would help us heal. It didn’t last long and we were both so in love with other people and it sucked.”</p>
<p>“Oh…”</p>
<p>“It was only a couple of weeks before Arizona came back from Africa and she gave me this huge speech and we just, we fell in love again. Although, we never really stopped, you know?” Callie was choking up, not wanting to say what happened next.</p>
<p>“Not long after that, Callie found out she was pregnant. We told Mark and the three of us decided to go through with it and raise our baby together, and here we are now. Sofia is a a couple of months old, and Mark is her Dad and he loves her and he loves you and he didn’t want you to find out like this. None of us did.” Arizona looked at her softly.</p>
<p>The scraping of knives and forks on plates, the sensation of Meredith’s hand on hers and the looks she was receiving were unbearable. The pain she felt was unbearable.</p>
<p>Mark Sloan had a kid. Two kids. And he had no room in his life for Lexie Grey, who was nothing more than a naive, sensitive kid herself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Sofia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexie was drowning in her thoughts. And alcohol. It had previously been her friends encouraging her to drink but now she was doing it all by herself. Even Arizona had finally left the wine alone, and was trying desperately to make Lexie do the same with her tequila. Screw that.</p>
<p>“So, you’re telling me you were okay with all of this? Your girlfriend had a baby with <em>Mark Sloan</em>, her best friend.” The shock had disappeared and now she was in utter disbelief. How could a child come between them <em>twice</em>?</p>
<p>Well, Sofia wasn’t really the thing that was coming between them. It was still the arrival of Sloan Riley combined with Lexie’s departure that was preventing them from having their happily ever after. If you wanted to get into the specifics, his newborn daughter wasn’t a factor. Yet.</p>
<p>“I love her. Callie, I mean. It was an easy decision for me. It wasn't really a decision in the first place.”</p>
<p>“I loved Mark! So why couldn’t I stay?” Ignoring the tears streaming down her face, Lexie took another sip of drink.</p>
<p>“Lexie, sweetheart. You and I are at very different stages in our lives. I’ve been in an intense long term relationship before and my career is already ten steps ahead of where I expected it to be, I was ready for kids even though I never thought I wanted them.”</p>
<p>“But I do want them.”</p>
<p>“You’re so young! Your career is just starting out and Mark was long term, yes, but it was still very new. You had so much left to figure out personally before you could figure out these things with him, and there’s an age gap. Everyone thinks age gaps are never as destructive as they appear but his daughter rocked up in Seattle and she was only, what, six years younger than you?”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t old enough to be her Mom, right?”</p>
<p>“No. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a Mom ever, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a future with Mark and children of your own when you <em>are</em> ready. It doesn’t mean you can’t play a role in Sloan’s life either, it would just be different. Mark’s not exactly her Dad, more like her bestie.”</p>
<p>“He has two kids, he doesn’t need more. How would he have the time for more?” Lexie was aware that she was talking as though this wasn’t purely hypothetical, but she needed to voice her thoughts. She’d been bottling this up for too long.</p>
<p>“Does anyone ever really <em>need</em> kids? You and Mark are made for each other and he wanted to build a life with you. That can still include a family.” Callie finally spoke, her guilt in the back of her mind.</p>
<p>“You really think we’re made for each other?” Looking at Arizona through her tears, Lexie was hopeful. If the people closest to him thought that, surely she wasn’t being delusional.</p>
<p>“Lex, are you kidding?” Meredith came to join them, everyone else having gone home. “Mark Sloan put down roots for you. You know as well as the rest of us that the guy has never put down roots for any woman, even if he loved them.”</p>
<p>Lexie remembered when it was revealed that Mark had almost moved to LA for Addison. Was that what Meredith meant? Everyone knew that he’d wanted to make things work with Addison Montgomery but he’d come back to Seattle for Lexie, to be with Lexie. Was that because he'd realised <em>she</em> was the one?</p>
<p>Everything she was feeling for Mark Sloan was wrong. She could go to his place right now and declare her feelings for him, offer him everything she had to give, but it was wrong.</p>
<p>Instead of dealing with this head on, the drinking continued.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re gonna go see your Mommies, okay? I have a date with the golf course, so we’re gonna surprise them and you get to hang out with them <em>all</em> day.” Mark was walking up the driveway to Callie and Arizona’s place, struggling to carry both his daughter and everything she needed for the day ahead.</p>
<p>She had most of these things here, but he’d taken the whole organised Dad thing to the next level before she was even born and had stayed committed to it. Even throughout his emotional downfall and his nights at the bar, he’d had Sofia and appointments and furniture building to take care of.</p>
<p>“Mark! Sh-” Callie opened the door and closed her mouth before she could curse in front of her daughter. “Sunday is your day, is everything okay?” Mark eyed her wearily. She was fully clothed, what was her deal? Not that it would’ve mattered to either of them anyway.</p>
<p>“Am I interrupting something? I just need to hand over baby duty to you guys for the day for a last minute golf session with Derek. Sorry, I uh- I can cancel it.”</p>
<p>“No! Don’t cancel it.” She stepped outside, closing the door behind her. Glancing down at their daughter, she looked nervous. “Mark, she’s here.”</p>
<p>His attention immediately went to the house behind Callie. “Lexie? She’s here?” He panicked, looking around the porch as if he could hide the baby behind a plant pot or something.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” She nodded. “She came over last night for dinner and she got way too drunk to make it home safe and we’d all had alcohol, so she slept on the couch.”</p>
<p>“Why couldn’t her sister take her home?” Mark’s concern for his ex-girlfriend was driving him crazy. She was evidently upset about being around him, and she shouldn’t have been drinking in that state.</p>
<p>“Mer got called into surgery late last night. Look, Lexie didn’t want to leave. She wanted to talk and we thought it was better if we kept an eye on her.”</p>
<p>“You should’ve called me, Callie. I could’ve come to get her.” Even after the pain of losing her, his need to protect her remained.</p>
<p>“Mark, it’s not your place. When a girl is crying over her ex, you don’t invite that ex to come and pick her up and take care of her.” He hated that she was right but he had tried to stop caring about Lexie and he just didn’t have it in him.</p>
<p>Little Grey was his girl. No matter how many times she ran from him he’d always be waiting.</p>
<p>Pushing past Callie, he entered the house. “You can’t come in! Are you crazy?”</p>
<p>“I’ll be quiet. I just want to get Sofia settled and if Lexie is hungover, she won’t wake up unless Sofia starts crying. Trust me, that girl would sleep through an earthquake.”</p>
<p>“Mark, stop.” As he placed Sofia’s carrier on the floor to hang up his coat, Callie grabbed his arm.</p>
<p>“Will you chill out? I’ll take Sofia upstairs and put her in her room, okay? I promise Lexie will be clueless. When she wakes up you can just whip up some breakfast and send her on her way.”</p>
<p>“She knows.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Woken by sunlight filling the room, the memories of last night came flooding back. Lexie squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could block it all out.</p>
<p>She hadn’t even experienced those few moments of bliss where everything was okay, it was just devastation from the moment she became conscious.</p>
<p>Mark Sloan had another daughter. No matter how many times she said it to herself, she still couldn’t accept it. Once Sloan Riley came into his life, he couldn’t prioritise Lexie as the most important girl in his life. Although he loved her and it had been them against the world, his daughter needed him more.</p>
<p>Lexie was an adult with a career and no other responsibilities but Sloan needed someone to guide her through a pivotal time in her life. Lexie knew she was always in his heart, she could feel it even though she was miles away. Just as he was in hers.</p>
<p>“Good morning!” Arizona was her usual perky self, the alcohol having had little effect on her in the long run. That was the thing about Az; she could be drunk to the point where she could reveal the world’s best kept secret and then at the flip of a switch she was back to normal. Last night had proved that.</p>
<p>“Is it?” Lexie was bitter but towards the situation, not the people involved.</p>
<p>There were no hard feelings between her and any of her friends because she knew that they’d done what was best for her. If she’d known about Sofia before, she never would’ve had the strength to fight through the pain and build herself up again. She never would’ve come home to be with her family.</p>
<p>“I know you must be feeling broken. It was a shock to me too, but I’ve adjusted and you haven’t had a chance. Which is why it kills me to tell you this…” Arizona was perched on the edge of the couch next to Lexie with a glass of water. “Sofia is upstairs in her crib.”</p>
<p>“W- would you like me to leave? I can call a cab, leave you guys alone.” She wasn’t sure if she could stand to be in the house with Mark’s daughter and she didn’t want to hold a grudge against an innocent baby. It wasn’t Sofia’s fault, and she felt that she was being unfair if she blamed Mark and Callie either.</p>
<p>“Lex, you’re welcome to stay. We mean it when we say we’ve missed you and if you can get used to being around Sofia, then we’d love to have you around. Not just today, either.”</p>
<p>“I think I can do this.” A strange feeling was coming over Lexie. She felt some kind of obligation to bond with the baby, even if it was just to make life easier on everyone. Her friends shouldn’t have to keep their daughter hidden away.</p>
<p>“Let’s go, I’ll introduce you and then I’ll make you pancakes. You definitely deserve pancakes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“She’s perfect.” The three women were stood over Sofia, all of them crying gently. This was one of those moments that every parent cherished, and Lexie felt like she was experiencing what it could be like to be a Mother. She had no right to feel any kind of maternal connection to Sofia but there was something in her heart that was telling her it was okay to form a bond.</p>
<p>“Are you okay with all of this?” Callie glanced at her wearily. “Must be hard for you, it was difficult enough for Arizona and I.”</p>
<p>Lexie took a deep breath. She should be falling apart and booking a flight back to New York to get as far from the situation as she could. The second she’d entered Sofia’s nursery, acceptance had washed over her.</p>
<p>“I think, perhaps me breaking his heart did him a favour. If I hadn’t given up on our relationship and left him behind, he wouldn’t have experienced the gift of becoming a Dad. I don’t mean with just Sofia, either. He has two daughters who he has dedicated himself to entirely and if I was still here, he might not be so close with Sloan and Sofia wouldn’t even exist. He always wanted kids, and now he has a newborn baby who he can raise from the ground up.”</p>
<p>“He would’ve waited.” Arizona sighed. When Lexie looked at her curiously, she continued. “Mark wanted to experience this with you, Lex. He would’ve waited ten years if it meant that he could build a life with you.”</p>
<p>“And would he still?”</p>
<p>“Of course he would. The pair of you can put up a front and pretend you’re better off without each other, states apart, but you’re stupid.” Callie’s bluntness was a surprise.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You heard me.”</p>
<p>“Maybe stupid isn’t the right word, Calliope…” Arizona grimaced.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it is. Lexie, what you and Mark had is not easy to find. The world needs more love like the love you two shared and if you think I’m gonna sit here and let two people I care about suffer then you’re wrong. And don’t tell me he’s happy and you’re happy, because yeah you might be <em>okay</em> but you’re not happy. Content? Sure. Is that enough for you? When you know you could spend the rest of your life head over heels in a relationship that is so pure it makes everyone else crave something even half as good?”</p>
<p>“I feel lost…”</p>
<p>“Okay to put it gently…” Arizona glared at her girlfriend, “you love Mark, and Mark loves you, and you won’t regret it if you at least give this new life with him a shot.”</p>
<p>“He’s your person, or whatever crap Mer and Yang say.” Callie chimed in again, less harsh this time.</p>
<p>Lexie was silent, staring down at Sofia. Could she? The only thing she did know for sure was that she was more confused than ever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Truths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>An entire day in the company of Mark Sloan’s youngest offspring had left Lexie drained of every ounce of energy. She’d dragged herself and her headache into a cab when Mark had let Callie know that he was on his way to get Sofia, and she was now slouched on the backseat, listening to her driver drone on about his own kids and their little quirks.</p><p>The more time she spent with Sofia, the more she felt nostalgia for a life she’d never had. Every single second that ticked by in which that tiny human was in her arms, was another second that broke down Lexie’s armour.</p><p>She was cradling a piece of Mark so close to her heart both emotionally and physically. It pained her to know that none of this was hers. Sofia wasn’t hers, Mark wasn’t hers.</p><p>She should be grateful for what she did have; a second chance at a perfect life. New York gave her that, but she’d taken everything from herself in the first place. She could blame Mark and his previous reckless behaviour and thoughtless, passion-driven motives all she wanted but she had to accept that this was all her doing.</p><p>Arizona was right; Mark Sloan would’ve waited for her. Lexie never gave him a choice.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The sight of Derek’s car in the drive was comforting, and Lexie was desperate to finally grill him regarding everything she’d discovered in the past twenty-four hours. She couldn’t even imagine how conflicted he must have been in the year that she’d been gone. Lexie was family and he’d accepted her as such and treated her like a sister from day one, but Mark was his childhood best friend and aside from one slip-up involving Addison Forbes-Montgomery, their loyalty to each other was unbreakable.</p><p>He’d been protecting Lexie from further heartbreak while simultaneously standing by his best friend, and that was something Lexie should respect. Instead, she was focused on how awful it had felt to be caught out like that.</p><p>“Thanks Carl, have a nice evening with your family.” Lexie handed the money to her cab driver and made a quick exit before he could find something new to discuss.</p><p>She’d stayed at Callie and Arizona’s until the early hours of the evening, not realising how late it was until her brother-in-law called and said he was picking up Chinese food on his way home from the golf course. As Lexie gradually made her way up to the porch, she prayed that most of her roommates would be out.</p><p>Back in New York, she was used to only ever having one or two people in the apartment. The ability to have a few minutes to herself was something she missed now that she was home again.</p><p>“Lexie! Great timing, I got you extra spring rolls. Figured you’d appreciate them after the night you had last night. How’s the hangover?” Derek had dishes spread out across the counter and was in the process of batting Karev’s hands away from the food he’d set aside for Lex.</p><p>“Thanks, the hangover is slowly fading. Alex, one spring roll.” She laughed when he launched for one, but she was wondering if he was going to be present for the entire duration of dinner. She helped herself to her own food, piling it high on her plate. It wasn’t peanut butter cups but it was as good as she was going to get for now.</p><p>“Catch you later.” Alex carried his plate into the family room, where Meredith was struggling to eat whilst feeding Zola. Now that it was just her and Derek in the kitchen, Lexie didn’t know what to say to him. She stared at him, waiting for him to initiate a conversation.</p><p>“I was thinking we could talk out on the porch swing while we eat? Just don’t swing too violently, this is my favourite shirt.” She smiled wearily, remembering how mad he’d been when her and Meredith had come home drunk one time and joined him on the swing. He was drinking coffee in preparation for a big overnight surgery, and had left for work with a large stain on the front of his shirt. He’d told them it was like living with a bunch of teenagers.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Did you ever consider telling me?” After a while, Lexie looked at Derek, her voice trembling slightly. She hoped he wouldn’t notice.</p><p>“Every day.” He sighed, leaning back. “I’m serious, every single time I looked at my phone, I thought about calling you. Then I decided if anyone should tell you, it should be Mark, but he didn’t want you to know either.”</p><p>“So everyone thought it was a good idea to keep me in the dark?” Derek put his plate on the small table in front of them and shifted so he was facing her. The eye contact was unnerving, and Lexie knew her brother-in-law was about to hit her with some home truths. That was what family did, right? They told you what you needed to hear.</p><p>“Lexie, you were completely broken. Mark and the arrival of his new family turned your world upside down. When you moved, things seemed to be looking up for you almost straight away; a new apartment, new friends who you met <em>outside</em> of work, a new job with a great mentor…from what Meredith and I saw, you were starting to get a grip on things again. We couldn’t risk destroying that for you when you were still reeling from the repercussions of your Seattle life being in ruins.”</p><p>She was deep in thought. He had a point; if she had known about Mark and Callie and Sofia, would she have everything she had now? But…what if the news had sparked something in her like her time with Mark’s daughter today had? What if she’d booked a flight back to Seattle the second she’d heard?</p><p>She could’ve grown up overnight, ready to take on the role of being a Mom because let’s face it, being a Mom to someone six years younger than you and being a Mom to a newborn baby were two entirely different situations.</p><p>“I could’ve done this with him. Raised Sofia, I mean.” Lexie watched as his eyes widened, the same way hers had on her first day back at Seattle Grace when the Chief had decided on a welcome back announcement. That reaction screamed ‘bad idea’.</p><p>“You know as well as I do that you wouldn’t have been ready for that. I get that it was different with Sloan but you’re forgetting that she’s still in the picture. You couldn’t have raised a newborn and forgotten that you were being put in the position of being Mom to an eighteen year old <em>and</em> a Grandmother. You know it wouldn’t have worked, even if you'd wanted it to.”</p><p>“Mmm.” She was ashamed to admit that he was right.</p><p>“That’s not the only problem though, if you think about it realistically. Do you remember how hurt you were when Mark told you that Sloan was moving in? He never asked you, never considered your feelings. Neither of you were ready for what the world was trying to throw in your direction. You moving away was one of the best things you could’ve done, for both of you. You needed time to-”</p><p>“Derek, do you have any idea how embarrassing it was?” Lexie cut him off. She no longer wanted to hear all the reasons nobody told her, she wanted someone to understand the reasons they <em>should </em>have told her. No matter how much it would’ve torn her apart.</p><p>“I know it must’ve been hard…”</p><p>“No. You have zero idea. I’m sorry, but you just don’t. I was having a great evening with my friends last night but the whole time, I knew something was up. No photos on the walls, no mention of Mark aside from one drunken slip up. That was all because of me. In that moment when I found the photos, I was caught so off guard it was like…I don’t know, like I was drowning.” She took a deep breath, her hands shaking.</p><p>“Lex…” He placed a hand on her shoulder, taking her plate and putting it down next to his. Food was the last thing on her mind.</p><p>“Everyone’s treading so carefully, like I might explode if they get too close. I am not a ticking time bomb and I am not a child. Throughout my relationship with Mark, it felt like the world was against us because I was so young and I had no experience in life like he did. I feel pathetic, Derek. I still do. I feel this constant need to apologise and admit defeat for leaving Seattle and not making it work but I don’t need to do those things! I did what was right for me at that stage in my life and what was right for my career, and you know what? I’m glad I did it. Maybe…maybe I let the love of my life go, but…he didn’t need me. We didn't need each other and the lives we’re leading now are proof of that.”</p><p>“You’re right, you did what you needed to do for your future and we all admire that more than you know. I don’t think anyone’s told you that yet, have they?” Lexie shook her head. “We all made decisions when we were in our twenties that would have an effect on the rest of our lives. This was your time to do that…You are the furthest thing from pathetic, Lexie Grey. Nobody thinks any less of you. We just didn’t want to risk you never getting over him.”</p><p>“I <em>am</em> over him.” When Derek looked unconvinced, she became insistent. “I am! New York has given me more than I ever dreamed of. Mark Sloan is my past.” She ignored the fact that not even five minutes ago she’d been wondering what her life would’ve been like if she’d returned sooner.</p><p>“Okay. I don’t believe you for a second, but okay.” He smirked, passing her food back to her.</p><p>“I owe you a spring roll after all that.” Lexie offered him her plate and he took one. Part of her wished her sister had been the one to knock all that sense into her, but Meredith didn’t know Mark the way Derek did and she certainly didn’t have the patience for Lexie’s crying.</p><p>Their comfortable silence was broken by Derek’s phone ringing. After a quick, reluctant conversation, he hung up. “I’m needed for a surgery. You coming to watch?” Her eyes lit up at the suggestion and without a word, they headed to the car. “Lex, there’s one more thing.” As they neared the hospital, he finally spoke. “People have been calling and asking for you the entire time you’ve been out. Is there something you need to tell me?”</p><p>She froze. She trusted Derek with her whole heart, but was she ready to explain? “No, nothing. I’ll call them back tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pulling into the parking lot, Lexie’s heart started beating faster. Mark was stood by the entrance, looking as handsome as ever. He took her breath away every time she saw him, even now. He always had but he knew it, too. He also knew that he had the same effect on most female employees at the hospital. If she could remember the arrogance that had been clear when they’d first met, she could forget how he made her feel the rest of the time.</p><p>“Good evening, Doctor Sloan.” Derek greeted him as he edged closer to them, panic written all over his face. Did he know that Lexie knew about Sofia? Because the man look terrified of her, like she might suddenly pounce on him.</p><p>“Hey. Uh, Lex…” Did he just blush? She gave him a weak smile, refusing to look directly at him.</p><p>“What are you doing out here? Little Grey and I were just coming in for a surgery on Logan Barnes. You’re not needed for that, are you?” Lexie cringed at the use of her nickname, knowing it would trigger memories for both her and Mark that they were keen to shove aside for now.</p><p>“No, uh, my surgery got cancelled and I didn’t feel like going all the way home right now. I was gonna come watch yours.” He looked at Lexie as if he was waiting for her approval.</p><p>“I can get a cab home, if you want. Leave you to it.” She made eye contact with him for the first time, aware that Derek was watching the interaction too.</p><p>“No, stay.”</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Surgery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The tension began to disappear as Lexie followed Mark and Derek through the hospital. She let them talk and waited patiently for them to include her in their conversation if they wanted to.</p><p>So far, all they’d talked about was when they were next playing golf and Lexie definitely didn’t want to be part of that. They had tried to teach her once, and the day had ended with her and Meredith crashing a golf kart into Derek’s beloved golf clubs.</p><p>As they got further into the hospital, nurses were staring. She couldn’t figure out if it was because they knew her history with Mark or because, well, he was Mark and he attracted attention everywhere he went.</p><p>“Lexie, do you have scrubs lying around anywhere?” Derek whipped around to face her, bringing the three of them to a sudden stop near the attendings’ lounge. She shook her head. “Never mind there’s no time for you to go find any. I should have some spare.”</p><p>“Am I scrubbing in on your surgery?”</p><p>“You are.” He nodded. She hadn’t told him or Meredith this, but she’d been excelling in neuro and she was strongly considering choosing it as her speciality for definite. She was only one or two surgeries away from a decision. Doctor Hartley was good, but not on the same level as Derek Shepherd.</p><p>She bounded into the room after the two doctors so Derek could dig out his scrubs, the excitement getting ahold of her. Her good mood faltered when Derek came up empty handed, an apologetic look on his face.</p><p>“It’s okay. Next time.” She attempted to smile but it was too obvious that she was disappointed.</p><p>“Not so fast. I’m not scrubbing in, so you can wear mine.” Mark handed her two pieces of dark blue material before she could decline.</p><p>“Meet me in there, Lex. OR two.” She nodded as Derek rushed out at the sound of his pager, conscious of the fact that Mark was still in the room with her.</p><p>“Uh, Mark?” It took him a few seconds to catch on. They didn’t have much experience of being apart whilst physically around each other and it was taking a lot of getting used to. They had to learn how to be friends, which they had never attempted before.</p><p>“I’ll be outside.” She waited until he’d closed the door and began undressing. Stepping into the scrubs was an odd sensation. This was the closest she’d been to him since the breakup, and it was intense. She was wearing his scrubs. The scrubs he wore almost every day.</p><p>On top of that, these were attendings scrubs. She didn’t belong in these, not yet. She had so much work left to do before she could wear these and know that she had a right to, that she had earned it.</p><p>Her hands were trembling. She couldn’t perform surgery in this state; she felt like she was on a different planet. A knock on the door allowed her to refocus and she opened it to Mark laughing at the sight of his scrubs drowning her.</p><p>“What?” Despite her mind being elsewhere, his laughter was contagious and she broke out into a shy smile.</p><p>“Come here.” He gestured for her to step forward and when she hesitated, he tugged on her waistband. Well, his waistband. Whatever. She was flustered.</p><p>“What are you-” They were so close he could probably feel the heat coming from her cheeks. He began turning the waistband over so the pants were no longer brushing the floor. All she could do to steady her breathing was stare at him, watch his brow furrow as he concentrated and pretend that she was watching him perform surgery.</p><p>“You’re all set.” He looked at her, hands still on her waist. With Lexie unable to form words let alone sentences, she was rooted firmly in place. Mark rested his head against hers, sighing in frustration. They stayed like that for only seconds, neither of them talking or moving, both afraid that they’d be tempted to make a move. “You ready?” Lex opened her eyes at the sound of his voice and remembered last night’s discoveries. She found the power to step back.</p><p>“I’m ready.” Lexie wasn’t just speaking to Mark, but more to herself. She <em>was</em> ready. She was ready to perform surgery by Derek’s side again and she was ready to learn and prove herself. She just wished she had the ability to be ready for Mark.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Finishing the surgery, Lexie was on a high. Derek had pretty much let her take control, offering her guidance and valuable tips throughout. With him and the support she had from Doctor Hartley in New York, tonight she had confirmed that a career in neuro had firmly landed on the top of her list.</p><p>“Amazing work, Doctor Grey. Keep it up and you’ll be performing miracles in no time.” Praising her in front of the rest of the surgical team added to her confidence and she had a spring in her step as she headed towards the door, but before she could leave the OR, Derek stopped her and nodded up to the gallery. “Someone was watching you closely.”</p><p>She looked up to where Mark had been the whole time. Her prayers had been answered and the second she had entered the operating room, all thoughts of him vanished. Her attention was entirely on the patient.</p><p>With no time to read any files beforehand, Lexie wasn’t able to rely on her photographic memory for this. She was relying solely on Derek’s overview and her medical knowledge and she needed to be in the right headspace.</p><p>“He was watching the surgery, Derek.” She wanted to believe that but with the little moments they’d had since she’d been home and especially the one they’d shared a couple of hours ago, she knew Derek was right.</p><p>“I know you’re not blind to it, Lex.” He lowered his voice. “You don’t have to make excuses. When has anything between you and Mark ever been straight forward?”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Taking a well deserved rest on the couch back in the attendings’ lounge, Lexie had just been given the honour of talking to the patient’s family. The patient himself wasn’t awake yet but chances were that Lex wouldn’t be around when he woke up.</p><p>She was disappointed that she wouldn’t be the one to give him the good news, but she had to remember that he was Derek’s patient in the first place. Knowing that she had carried out the majority of the procedure, therefore saving his life, and had witnessed the relief on his wife’s face was enough of a reward.</p><p>Mark was nowhere to be seen. She had expected him to be waiting around for them and she’d even been hoping for some praise. Him and Derek had been the ones giving her the surgeries that tested her skills when she first arrived at Seattle Grace, and she wanted them both to be proud of how much she’d advanced in the few years that they’d been helping her.</p><p>“I’m guessing he’s gone home. No point in us waiting around, huh?” Lexie looked pleadingly at Derek, not prepared to spend more time than necessary away from her bed. A bed which she had been absent from for two nights. One night spent drunk on a couch and the next spent in surgery wasn’t ideal, and not what the old Lexie would’ve done.</p><p>“I’m still here, I was just checking in on one of my burns patients. She’s been having nightmares and I figured she could use a friendly face.” Mark was leaning against the door frame. The guilt of her assumption left Lexie with a sheepish smile on her face which was quickly replaced by a look of horror when Derek announced that he was going to check on a patient of his own.</p><p>As Lexie shifted her body into an upright position, Mark cautiously moved across the room.</p><p>“I don’t think we should be alone, not…not after earlier.” She hugged her knees to her chest, a position that Mark recognised immediately. It was how she comforted herself when things got tough and it worried him that she was doing it now.</p><p>“I’m just gonna take a seat next to you, I won’t come any closer. No physical contact, I promise.” She relaxed but she wasn’t sure they were on the same page. The hand on her back during their first proper post-breakup conversation, the tugging of the waistband to draw her closer, the hands on her waist and his head against hers. That was all him.</p><p>“Mark-”</p><p>“I’m proud of you.” He cut her off. “You’ve become so much more confident in your skills and your judgement. Lex, you’re way ahead. You think anyone else at your level would’ve been trusted to carry out a surgery like the one you just did? I saw something in you the first time I ever worked with you and you proved me right.”</p><p>“I had the best people showing me how it’s done.”</p><p>She was convinced that he was lying. One of the first times they’d worked together, he’d teased her over her feelings for George O’Malley. It took only a matter of weeks for her to be on his service and she realised he wasn’t quite as arrogant as he seemed.</p><p>However, despite his good moments, Mark loved winding her up and flirting with her because he knew she’d go bright red and fire out the sarcastic comments. It wasn’t long before she began playing him at his own game.</p><p>Minutes passed and Lexie turned to glance at him. He was staring. Again. The same way he always had.</p><p>“You ready to be friends yet?” He didn’t take his eyes off her once but she recognised the slightest hint of fear in his voice. This really was killing him as much as it was her and she couldn’t keep her mouth shut any longer.</p><p>“I know…about Sofia. I know. I met her and I know and I didn’t tell you I knew because I didn’t want to have a conversation about it. I hate that you felt like you couldn’t tell me and that Derek and my sister and my best friends felt obligated to cover it up. I mean, how do you cover up a whole human being?” Lexie stopped talking when Mark sighed and leaned back. “I just don’t want to spend the next few weeks acting like I’m clueless.” She added.</p><p>“I know that you know. Callie and Arizona told me. I was, uh, I was there. At their place this morning…Lexie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve given you a warning the second I saw you but I didn’t want to ruin things further. I’ve hurt you enough.”</p><p>“I understand. I do, believe me. For what it’s worth, you were so right to choose Sloan over me before. She needed you.”</p><p>“But <em>I</em> needed <em>you</em>. When you first left I was bitter, and then I started thinking about how you might come home one day and now you’re here and things are worse than they were back then. Now you have even more reason to hate me and avoid me.”</p><p>“I don’t hate you. How could I hate you for stepping up and being a parent?” Everything she’d said to her friends this morning was coming back to her and she was relieved to be expressing this to the person who needed to hear it most.</p><p>“I acted like you didn’t matter.” Mark looked away, his voice shaking.</p><p>“Because in the grand scheme of things, I didn’t. Mark, you’re a Dad. You were a Dad the moment Sloan Riley came into your life and playing that role was necessary. As for me? I wasn’t ready. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy for you. In fact, I’m even happier for you now that you have Sofia too. Sure, her arrival wasn’t ideal but if anyone can work it out it’s you, Callie and Arizona. That little girl is getting so much love, Mark. You deserve to be the one to give it to her. So I’m glad that I left and you were able to raise two kids of your own. You have everything you always wanted.”</p><p>“No, Lex, I don’t. Not unless I have you.”</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Sisters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For Lexie, stepping through the door of her sister’s home was a shock to the system. Going into the hospital or into surgery was normal for her but Lexie lived and breathed medicine and having five minutes to herself was strange, let alone five hours and a seemingly endless supply of rom-coms. It had felt strange being back in a house full of people too, especially doctors.</p><p>The majority of her housemates had the day off work so Meredith had sent the entire household out with Zola, making sure they knew how long she’d been waiting for one on one time with her little sister. She had brought out the tequila and placed it in front of Lexie, the temptation to drown their sorrows overwhelming them both.</p><p>“I hate having to break the news to her over and over again. I knew it was a long shot but I’ve seen miracles before. A new heart is available overnight and everything works out perfectly, but there’s nothing. Two years felt like such a long time.”</p><p>“How long does she have left?” Lexie was a little unnerved when Mer got herself worked up over a patient, but she’d been trying to find a heart donor for a twenty-year-old girl for over two years and come up empty handed. There had been a lot of false hopes and failed attempts and the time had come to end the search.</p><p>“Days. Did you know Phoebe wanted to go to medical school? She dropped out of college when it got too tough to manage her health but she had the brain for it.” Meredith took a sip of tequila and screwed her face up. “She had a photographic memory, like you.”</p><p>Lexie turned her attention back to the TV where Dirty Dancing was playing. More reminders of Mark. The whole concept of the female lead falling in love with an older guy who slept around and wasn’t right for her on paper mirrored her situation.</p><p>Meredith’s mention of her patient’s photographic memory took Lexie back to that night in the bar when Mark had asked her to recite the periodic table. She took the bottle from her sister’s hand.</p><p>That night had been a turning point for her; it was when Mark had accepted that they had a connection and instead of running in the opposite direction, he’d walked straight up to her and made himself comfortable. It was that night during which Lexie realised they would never be just work colleagues again.</p><p>“Can we switch movies?” She was still gazing at Johnny Castle and making comparisons. If the similarities were purely physical, she could get over it. Lot’s of guys shared Mark’s features; muscular, tall, great hair and eyes that held a spark when they looked at the woman they loved.</p><p>Except Mark was so much like Johnny when it came to personality too; able to charm just about anyone. More importantly, they were both hopeless romantics once they found the right person to dedicate themselves to.</p><p>“Not a good choice, huh? I didn’t think of that, sorry. Footloose?” Meredith was already across the room at the TV, replacing the disc.</p><p>“Perfect. Remember when…” Lexie trailed off.</p><p>“What?” Mer looked up at her from across the room.</p><p>“I was just thinking about that time we made Mark and Derek watch this with us. They’d been fighting about Mark and I dating but we finally got them talking and discussing their hatred for the warehouse scene.” She sighed, wishing not only that her mouth had a filter but her brain did too.</p><p>“He’s in your head.” When her younger sister started sobbing, Meredith embraced her but Lexie was too much of a mess to think about how out of the ordinary that was. “He’s in your head because you’re not over him and I know you want to be, but doesn’t this tell you something? You tried to get over him like he tried to get over you but you’re always drawn back to each other.”</p><p>“You’re right, I’m so far from over him. Mer, I think I’m more in love with him than I was when we were together.”</p><p>The sisters sat there and held each other. They had never been known for physical contact, probably because they hadn’t grown up together. Meredith had a hard time accepting her sister when Lexie first showed up at her place of work but now she would do absolutely anything to protect her from pain.</p><p>Meredith had wanted to lash out at Mark but the sensible part of her had clung to the knowledge that him sticking by his daughter made him a much better man than she had first thought, and he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She should be grateful that Lexie had fallen for him, even if she was suffering the consequences further down the line.</p><p>“Be with him. Take the plunge and go to him and tell him you want him.” When Lexie didn’t respond, Meredith sat back so they could face each other. “Lexie, listen carefully. Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future; planning it, working towards it. But at some point you start to realise your life is happening now. Right now. This is it. It’s here. Blink and you’ll miss it. If you want Mark Sloan; go and get him.”</p><p>“I have a whole life in New York now, I can’t do this. I can’t be with Mark.” Lexie wasn’t being stubborn or staying away out of fear and she was one round of tears away from breaking down her walls and confessing the truth behind her reluctance.</p><p>“You know how serious he was about you and I’m telling you, he would follow you to the ends of the Earth. You have a life in New York but you’re forgetting that he did too. He grew up there, he had friends and a job. If going back to that city and leaving Seattle behind meant that he could be with you, he’d do it. You know he would. He’d figure out the custody thing.”</p><p>“Meredith, the whole point of me leaving was so that neither of us could influence each other to the point where we made life altering decisions. You know I had a plan and he turned my world upside down, tried to completely re-route me. I had to get away from him before I sacrificed any more of myself.” She was concealing so much and she knew that not telling Meredith meant she could expect the next words out of her sister’s mouth to be a lecture about her prior behaviour.</p><p>“You left. Lex, you left Seattle where you always planned to spend your whole life. You started out here and you wanted to build your whole future here. Wasn’t leaving that behind for a new city life altering in itself? And Mark didn’t make you leave. You did that all on your own, last minute. You could’ve stayed and yes it would’ve sucked but you had a choice.”</p><p>“I know.” Meredith wasn’t telling her anything she hadn’t already told herself. She had told herself that she had had a choice countless times, especially in the week that she’d been home.</p><p>“You can’t hold the goddamn plan against him when you didn’t even give him the chance to change it all. You ended it before he had a chance and it could’ve stopped there. You’re the one who made the drastic change.”</p><p>“Meredith, I <em>know</em>. None of that matters now. Who’s fault it is and our feelings are irrelevant. He doesn’t know me anymore, none of you do if I’m being completely honest. I’m not the same person I was when I left.”</p><p>“Of course you’re not. You made a huge lifestyle change. You’re learning from someone new who is influencing your approach to your work, you actually go out to eat and you finally found a personal life outside of the four walls of a hospital. Not to mention that you learned how to handle a broken heart. That’s not easy, Lex. Nobody comes out the other side of that and can genuinely say they’re the same person.”</p><p>“It’s not just-”</p><p>You’re one of the strongest people I know. I’m proud of you, but there is so much still going for you back here in Seattle. It’s not the same without you. Come home, Lex. We miss you.” Meredith was fighting back tears at this point, a sight that shocked Lexie. “<em>He</em> misses you.”</p><p>“I already said that I can’t. I wish more than anything that I could be back here with my family but I can’t just up and leave again. There are things you don’t know about my life there, Mer.”</p><p>“Well, then tell me.”</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Trial</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Having told her sister the truth about her life back in New York, Lexie was relieved. A monumental weight had been lifted off her shoulders and Meredith had been surprisingly supportive.</p><p>They had agreed to keep it to themselves unless it became an issue in the two weeks before Lexie was due to head back, not even wanting to keep Derek in the loop. Her brother-in-law would be understanding but he still had a loyalty to his best friend.</p><p>Now that Meredith knew her younger sister was only here for two weeks, she was even more desperate to stay glued to the poor girl. She wanted to cram in as much family time as possible and had made her promise that she wouldn’t go longer than two months without a visit again.</p><p>After all, one of the biggest reasons Lexie had come home again was to see Zola grow up. How could she do that if she was absent for another year?</p><p>Yet, after last night’s conversation, Lexie could no longer claim with complete confidence that Zola had been the driving force behind her visit. Perhaps subconsciously her intention was in fact to reveal everything. She owed it to her sister. To everyone, in time. She was realising just how selfish it was for her to keep it all to herself.</p><p>Speaking of her situation back in the city, she had some calls to make. Ones that she should be eager to make, but she just didn’t have the energy. </p><p>“Lexie?” She was interrupted before she could pick up her phone, by Derek knocking on the door to her attic room. She shouted for him to come in and was greeted by a very dishevelled, tired doctor who looked ready to collapse. “You got a minute?”</p><p>There was a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach but she tried to hold onto the faith that Meredith wouldn’t have said anything.</p><p>When Lexie had first arrived in Seattle and announced that she was a Grey, her sister would’ve told any of her friends every word of every conversation they shared. Now, it was different. There was acceptance, respect and an unbreakable bond. No way did Derek know anything. “What’s up?”</p><p>“Allie Mason. She’s volunteered to participate in my clinical trial. She’s the first.” Lexie nodded and grimaced which Derek picked up on. “Look, Mer did mention that you’re only here for a couple more weeks but…you were amazing the other night. It would be a huge benefit to both you and us if you stuck around for this.”</p><p>She was reminded of Mark’s pride in her after the emergency surgery but it didn’t do anything to relax her. Laying in bed last night, Lexie had been keen to get back home to her new normal, but now she could be stuck here, around Mark Sloan and away from where she needed to be, for a lot longer. “I have to be back in New York in six weeks, no exceptions.”</p><p>His confusion was evident, and she knew what must be running through his mind. Why did she have such a specific time frame? He knew that being here was taking a toll on her emotionally but why exactly six weeks?</p><p>Lexie didn’t have long term patients right now, that much he did know, and Chief Webber was friendly with the staff at her current workplace so he could keep her here without anyone causing problems. Something was up, and it was only a matter of time until he pushed for answers. “Six weeks it is.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie had spent her day studying her absolute hardest and absorbing as much information as possible regarding malignant gliomas. This trial was a huge risk which involved injecting the tumour with a virus that would attack and shrink it.</p><p>Her conversation with her mentor earlier in the day allowed Lexie to stop worrying about how much she’d be missing at Columbia University Medical Center, where she should actually be working right now.</p><p>
  <em>“Doctor Grey, I have no doubt that you’re the perfect person to assist Doctor Shepherd with this trial. Chief Webber has informed me that you’ll be back in New York in six weeks, is that right?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Possibly less, but I’ll keep you updated. Doctor Hartley, I wanted to thank you. You’ve given me a lot more confidence over the last year and I wouldn’t be able to do this trial if it weren’t for your mentoring.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I think you and I both know it was Doctor Shepherd and Doctor Sloan who did most of the work before you even came to us. You have a bright future ahead of you, Lexie. I’ve been nothing but impressed so far. Just make sure you give yourself enough time once you’re back, you’ll have a lot of preparation to do and a lot of meetings and appointments. I look forward to updates on the trial!”</em>
</p><p>Hartley was oblivious to Lexie’s romantic connection to Mark and not once had she commented on Derek being her brother-in-law. She had been a confidant in the past year and yet never pushed for names of anyone involved in Lexie’s Seattle-related dilemmas.</p><p>Her New York dilemmas, however? She knew everything which was why Lexie had been terrified when it Webber had let her know he’d been keeping tabs on her.</p><p>On the plus side, the pressure of being involved in such a high profile trial and the need to concentrate so deeply allowed her to distract herself from Mark for longer than five minutes at a time. She had managed to keep her mind off him until the second she entered Joe’s bar after work and saw him sitting amongst her friends.</p><p>When he set his eyes on her, he nudged Arizona who frantically rose from her seat and raised a toast. “To Lexie!”</p><p>“To Lexie!” The whole bar cheered. A quick scan revealed that the room, as usual, was filled with medical staff from Seattle Grace. It was rare for regular members of the public to be here on a week night which meant that poor Joe had to listen to gruesome details of surgeries for the next few hours.</p><p>It wasn’t easy being here again. This bar was where some of her fondest memories with Mark occurred and where she’d come to cry the night they broke up. These four walls had seen her at her weakest moments and she always figured that next time she was here, she’d feel a lot less conflicted.</p><p>She became increasingly aware of Mark’s gaze and felt her cheeks flush. Experiencing a sudden flashback to the waistband situation the other night, Lexie headed to the bar. She was quickly followed by Callie, who had an apologetic look on her face.</p><p>“Hey, I’m sorry. It just felt weird leaving him out of this, you know? He’s excited that you’re back. If you want to head somewhere else, just us girls, we can totally do that. Say the word and we’ll go, no questions asked.”</p><p>“I can handle it. I think I’m adjusting to being around him again, I’ll be fine. Thank you, Callie.” She offered Callie a reassuring smile. “Beer please, Joe.”</p><p>“Just so you know, I totally respect you for what you did. You put yourself first and didn’t let yourself be blinded by how much you loved him. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to do something like that, even if part of you feels weak.”</p><p>“You did that too, with Arizona.” Knowing that the feisty, passionate Latina woman she had admired from day one could understand Lexie’s actions made her feel a million times better about the entire situation.</p><p>“I guess we’re just strong independent ladies, huh?” Lexie took her drink from the bar and raised it to Callie who clinked their bottles together.</p><p>It was stood in Joe’s bar with Mark Sloan’s best friend by her side that she truly accepted everything she had done in the downfall of their relationship.</p><p>She thought she had felt peace when she met Sofia but no; this was it. She was able to be in the same room as him with the eager eyes of their mutual friends tracking her every move and not be itching to find an escape route.</p><p>She <em>could </em>handle it and she <em>was</em> handling it. A friendship with Mark Sloan was a real possibility for her. He wanted it and while he wanted more, she knew he loved her enough not to push it. She knew he wouldn’t kiss her out of the blue or ask her on a date. The ball was in her court. She had control and for now, a friendship was what was going to keep her sane.</p><p>“We have tacos over here!” Jo yelled, pulling Lexie from her daydream. She took a deep breath and joined her friends at their group of tables in the center of the room. Finding herself directly next to Mark, which she was sure wasn’t a coincidence, Lexie was thankful that they weren’t sat in one of the tiny booths against the wall. She wasn’t ready for that level of prolonged physical contact.</p><p>“Hey, now that you’re back you need to come see mine and April’s apartment.” Jackson was the first to strike up conversation with her while everyone talked amongst themselves.</p><p>“Oh, yeah! Do you like cooking? You can help me try out some of my Grandma’s recipes. We had the kitchen remodelled and it’s way bigger now, we knocked some walls down so it’s all open plan.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, what? You have an apartment? You two have literally just gone public.”</p><p>“It’s Jackson’s apartment really, but I needed a place to stay and we’re happy so we’re just sort of rolling with it. This has been going on longer than anyone realises.” April was beaming.</p><p>“Yeah...we actually started seeing each other when you were still here.”</p><p>“You could come to the farm with us in July for the fair!”</p><p>“April, your whole family and half the damn town are gonna be there.” As Jackson tried to talk himself out of having to go, Lexie was struggling to comprehend what was happening.</p><p>Why was everyone moving on with their lives so fast and getting their happily ever afters while her and Mark had ended up with the literal opposite.</p><p>Her friends started giving her suggestions of all the things they could do now that she was back and she was starting to realise that they had assumed working on Derek’s trial meant she was now one hundred percent here to stay permanently.</p><p>Why would they think differently? As far as they were concerned, she’d always been bound to return eventually. She’d just needed time, right? Without Derek or Meredith there as backup and Lexie unable to speak, she quietly nodded along.</p><p>“Hey, for what it’s worth, I hope being in an environment like this means we can salvage a friendship out of this mess.” Mark startled her when he nudged her gently with his elbow.</p><p>“I think we can attempt it.” She sent him a shy smile.</p><p>“I’m looking forward to seeing you around more, Lex. This,” he gestured to the people around them, “feels like the old days.” He gave her his signature smirk again and the butterflies were back.</p><p>Lexie didn’t have the heart to break the news to Mark yet. She wanted to cherish the little time they had when they were able to stand being around each other before she knew she’d have to leave him behind again.</p><p>She just truly wished she didn’t have to.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Intoxicated</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three hours. That’s how long Lexie had been in close proximity to Mark Sloan. It was also how long she’d been drinking shots of whatever Cristina sent her way. Tequila. She thought. It could be anything after the seventh one, but Lexie was oblivious.</p><p>There hadn’t been a single almost-kiss or any exchanges that could be viewed as flirting either by them or their friends. No moments of Lexie fantasising over what would happen if she moved a mere two inches to the left and yet now, in the cab home, it was all she could think about.</p><p>Mark had ditched them all for an early night at around 10PM and it had only taken twenty minutes of Lexie sitting there without him for her to leave too. Although she was one of the more sober members of the group, the word itself definitely wasn’t applicable to her current state.</p><p>Everyone had insisted on staying at the bar longer since the majority of them weren’t on shift the next day and if Lexie had been in New York, she probably would’ve stayed until the early hours of the morning too. But this wasn’t New York. This was Seattle and it was Joe’s Bar and the one person she’d grown to be comfortable around again this evening had gone home. Without her.</p><p>She’d asked Teddy, who was definitely capable of forming full sentences, to call her a cab. After a fight over if she would wait for her sister or Derek to get out of surgery or hang around until one of her housemates was ready to leave, Teddy obliged. April and Arizona had sided with Lexie, and the last thing anyone needed was those two to start screeching like pterodactyls.</p><p>That was almost an hour ago. At some point between the bar and home, Lexie had lost her mind a little and asked the driver to take her to a different location. She had forgotten the address, on purpose, but had taken it from the note on Meredith’s refrigerator the first night she’d arrived.</p><p>There had never been any intention to make use of it. That was also a lie.</p><p>Lexie wasn’t thinking straight. Would she be here if it weren’t for the alcohol in her system? The fact that she couldn’t answer that should’ve given her the push to go home, as far from here as possible. Except she was on the other side of the city and she’d sent the cab away.</p><p>Might as well do whatever it was she came here to do, right? However, standing on the sidewalk in front of his house, partially hidden by a plant, for the previous forty minutes had stripped her of her newfound confidence. And dignity.</p><p>The old Lexie would never have done something so reckless, why was the reinvented Lexie so willing to risk it all? In that moment, she was torn between two versions of herself.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>If it wasn’t for Mark making his way downstairs for a glass of water at exactly the right time, he never would’ve heard the light tap against his door. The only person he was expecting was Sloan, and he knew she was out with friends tonight. He was tempted to ignore it, until he caught a glimpse of a certain someone peering through the window in the hall.</p><p>“Lex?” Mark opened the door to find his ex-girlfriend on the other side, shivering, failing to stand still and holding back tears.</p><p>“Hey!” Lexie dragged the word out. “Nice house, way better than that little apartment you had before. I kinda miss that apartment, you know? Do you miss it?”</p><p>“Yep, I do.”</p><p>“I miss you.” The alcohol allowed her to mask her pain with a huge smile but it seemed that she hadn’t taken any notice of the last part of her sentence. Mark had.</p><p>“What are you doing here, Lexie? It’s late and you’ve had too much to drink. You should really go home.” His weak attempt to be blunt with her made him feel awful. He was blaming himself for every negative emotion she’d felt and for her reliance on alcohol to get her through the evening.</p><p>“I have something to tell you. It’s super important but I don’t want to say it out loud because it makes it real and I don’t want it to be real, you know?”</p><p>He sighed, his efforts at turning her way being too exhausting. Watching her fall apart was breaking him and he’d had enough of being the one to hurt her.</p><p>“Come inside, I’ll get you some water and call you a cab in a little while.” He stepped aside to let her in but she didn’t move and when she opened her mouth again, he waited for her to continue her rambling.</p><p>“I can’t step foot inside your house. Everyone told me to stay away from McSteamy but I didn’t listen.”</p><p>Mark laughed at the nickname. She’d never used it in a serious conversation, only when she was teasing him. “McSteamy, huh?”</p><p>“They all said you were just interested in sex but I didn’t care because I knew there was more to it and I came to your apartment and made the first move and I was adamant that our relationship would never just be sex and-” she took a deep breath, “and then I fell in love with you and we started dating and proved them all wrong. All the people who were against us started telling me you were madly in love with me.” He waited for her to keep going but she found herself at a sudden loss for words.</p><p>“I was in love with you, Lex. I still am. You’re my girl.” He stopped, hesitating. “Come inside. I don’t want you to be alone when you’re like this. If you really don’t want to, I’ll stand here with you. Right here on the doorstep until Meredith or Derek are done with surgery. I’ll leave them a voicemail.”</p><p>“That stuff I just said wasn’t even what I wanted to tell you.” Lexie laughed in disbelief at herself and entered, shrugging her coat off in the process. Mark took it without a word, placing his hand on her shoulder to steady her when she stumbled.</p><p>“You can tell me anything or nothing, I’m not gonna push you.” She nodded and took his offer of the latter, keeping her mouth firmly shut. “Water, let’s go.”</p><p>Upon realising she wasn’t going to make it unaided, Mark placed his arm through hers and she clutched onto it, grateful for the support. Drunk Lexie was like a newborn deer, and it made it impossible not to see the humour.</p><p>“You know, I wasn’t planning on coming here. I mean, I was eventually but not like this and not in the dead of night.”</p><p>“It’s only 11PM, we’re good. How much did you have to drink?” He had to physically lift her slightly to get her securely seated at the breakfast bar, and he missed the contact when she removed her hands from his arms.</p><p>“Some beer…a lot of beer. And every time someone ordered a round of shots, I had your glass too. Did you have a single drop of alcohol or have you taken the role of being a responsible Dad too far?” He was a little surprised that she’d mentioned his family life but didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, attempting to focus on his current task.</p><p>“I didn’t drink. Didn’t feel like it.” There was a truth to that, but Mark knew his lack of alcohol consumption was mostly because he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his head straight.</p><p>He’d probably be in a worse state than she was and it wasn’t a pretty sight. He’d also probably have been thinking with the lower half of his body.</p><p>They looked at each other for a few minutes, sharing intense eye contact while Lexie finished her water. This was a different kind of intimacy. Their eye contact started off as a mutual flirtation back when they first met and it progressed to looks of adoration, then pain and desperation, and now they were somewhere between the last three.</p><p>“I’m sorry for showing up like this.”</p><p>“Don’t apologise.”</p><p>“Can I just sit here a little while longer and wait for Derek?” Mark forced himself to look away for a second, praying she wouldn’t notice his disappointment. He stared at the tacky Los Angeles fridge magnet that Addison had sent him to try to cheer him up.</p><p>“Lex, don’t leave. Would you rather wake up tomorrow in a quiet space or in a house full of stressed, hungover doctors and a screaming child?”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“I’m sure. I’ll take the guest bedroom.” He saw the panic flicker across her face at the thought of sleeping in his bed. It was a strange concept; her being in his room without him.</p><p>He almost hoped she’d be gone by the time he was awake tomorrow, or that he at least wouldn’t have to see her in one of his shirts. Lexie being here was something he didn’t think he’d ever experience again but here she was. In their current situation, it was bittersweet.</p><p>“I don’t have a change of clothes.” Was she making excuses?</p><p>“Sleep in something of mine and when Sloan gets back later I’ll ask her to dig out something for you to wear tomorrow. I’ll make sure it’s something appropriate.”</p><p>“Will she be okay with me being here?” He couldn’t help but laugh. She would be over the moon.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Do <em>not</em> tell me you have a woman over here at such a pivotal moment in the Mark and Lexie saga.” His daughter audibly gasped when she saw Lexie’s coat on the hook and her shoes in the rack.</p><p>“Sloan…”</p><p>“Dad! I can’t believe you. After everything you’ve been saying about how Lexie Grey is the love of your life and you promising you wouldn’t move on!” He watched her move through the kitchen, exasperated by his supposed actions.</p><p>“If you take a second to breathe…” She stopped talking and stood dead still with the refrigerator door wide open.</p><p>“Oh…Oh! Oh my god, she’s here!” Sloan’s jaw was practically on the floor. “Mark, that’s amazing! Do you want me to leave? I can totally head over to Brooke’s and get out of your hair.”</p><p>“First of all, it’s not what you think. At all. She was drunk and she showed up after I left everyone at the bar and it made more sense for her to stay the night. Second, she needs to borrow some of your clothes. Third, I need you here to stop me from doing anything stupid like crawling into bed with her for a goddamn cuddle. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go get a blanket and sleep on the couch, far away from her.”</p><p>“Okay but I’m not gonna be here when she wakes up. I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of your picture-perfect breakfast reunion.” She laughed at his expense, knowing there was no way Mark would make a move on Lexie for the foreseeable future.</p><p>He sighed, “When do you go back to college, again?”</p><p>“Oh, stop. I’m happy for you. I’m glad things are getting back on track!”</p><p>“They’re not, Sloan. Not in the way they should be.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Dinner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you’d told Lexie when she was wearing Mark Sloan’s scrubs the other night that less than a week later she’d be waking up in his bed, technically their bed, she would’ve laughed. The reality of finding herself in his room, however, was no laughing matter.</p><p>She had made a swift exit at dawn, grateful that she knew his sleeping pattern well enough to be certain that he’d still be sound asleep. There was a pile of Sloan’s clothes left on top of the dresser for her and she’d gone downstairs to a post-it on the counter, giving details of where various breakfast foods were kept. If she’d been in the apartment, she’d have known all of this.</p><p>Eating cereal quietly was no easy task, so she made sure that every single piece was drowning in milk to soften it. As an adult, her breakfasts had always involved sitting at a table and discussing upcoming surgeries with her friends or distracting herself with the news or an old episode of ‘Full House’, but today her view was of a sleeping man whose frame was far too large for the couch it was occupying. </p><p>An hour later she had been helping herself to a serving of pancakes that Jo and Alex had whipped up for the household. She was back to stress-eating, a habit she thought she’d beaten months ago.</p><p>“Are you going to tell me what happened last night?” Meredith didn’t start prying her younger sister for information until they were in the restaurant parking lot that evening. Zola had been distracting her all day and Derek had been hanging out with Mark, so Lexie had the perfect opportunity to study with Jo rather than sit through an interrogation.</p><p>“There’s nothing to tell, Mer. I went over and he slept on the couch.”</p><p>“You really are becoming like the old me, aren’t you?” She laughed and Lexie was thankful that she had never gotten to know intern Meredith and that the sister she had been introduced to had reduced the tequila consumption and the amount of partying.</p><p>Lexie climbed out of the car, sighing as she had to do a slight jump in order to land on the ground safely. Again, what was with the huge cars? The only doctor she knew with a small car was Mark, or at least he’d had a sports car before Sofia came along. He’d since followed the crowd.</p><p>They were out to dinner for the first time since Lexie had come home, at a restaurant that Derek had somehow reserved them a table for. It was new and had replaced Lexie’s favourite diner so she was already holding a grudge against it, but everyone had been raving about it so she assumed it must be worth the effort of getting in.</p><p>It was also nice to dress up and put a pair of heels on, but every time Lexie did that she felt overdressed no matter where she was headed. Scrubs and pyjamas were all she ever wore.</p><p>Meredith held her hand, an act that caught Lexie off-guard. Here she was again with the physical contact. One thing that Lexie had noticed was that Mer seemed to do this when she felt a need to protect her little sister, hence the confusion now.</p><p>Entering the restaurant, they were greeted by a server who lead them through a maze of tables and people who evidently had a lot of money. Lexie sort of hoped she didn’t have to pay for all of this, the sight of the perfectly arranged food causing her blood pressure to rise. Her family had money but Lex had always tried to make it on her own. She had almost finished paying off her debt but this place was a surefire way to bury her in it again.</p><p>“Before you say anything, I love you.” They came to a stop at the back of the dining area and Lexie looked up to see none other than Mark Sloan at their table.</p><p>Derek was sat on his left, meaning that she had no choice but to sit directly opposite him. Like a date. This was a date, a double date. Set up by her two favourite people on the planet who she thought respected her enough to not put her in an uncomfortable position.</p><p>“Meredith.”</p><p>“Lexie.” Her sister was grinning like the cheshire cat and Lex wished she could pull an Alice in Wonderland and disappear into a hole in the ground. Why would Meredith do this after their conversation the other night?</p><p>“I’m sorry, Lex. They didn’t tell me either.” Mark looked sheepish but she couldn’t hold it against him if he’d been blindsided too. Instead, she focused her anger on Derek.</p><p>“Smooth, Shepherd.” She took a seat opposite her ex, who was studying the menu with so much intensity it was like he was doing surgery. She took notes and began rearranging her cutlery like she was prepping surgical instruments.</p><p>“This isn’t what you both think.” Meredith spoke.</p><p>“Please explain, because I’m pretty sure Lex and I just wanted to eat in peace.” Leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest, Mark came across as frustrated and Lexie couldn’t tell if some of that was directed towards her for leaving his house without saying goodbye this morning.</p><p>“It’s an intervention.” Lexie groaned, placing her head in her hands.</p><p>“Yeah, you’re gonna need a damn good excuse on that one. Derek, she doesn’t wanna be here and I sure as hell don’t want her to hate me more. Lexie, do you want to go? I can drive you home.”</p><p>She studied him and all she saw now was sympathy. A waiter appeared by her side and poured her a glass of champagne. She laughed at the timing. What was there to celebrate? “I guess I’ll stay and hear them out if you will.” He nodded and gestured for his friend to offer an explanation.</p><p>“You two have unresolved feelings for each other.” Derek didn’t say anything else. Great start.</p><p>“We know.” Lexie rolled her eyes. “Mark and I know where we stand, we talked about it last night. We’re friends, and we don’t want input from anyone else anymore. Please, let us do this our way. Give us time to readjust.” She looked over at Mark who was smirking. “What?”</p><p>“You’re feisty, Little Grey. You’ve got your spark back.” He raised his glass to her and she couldn’t resist the smile. She copied him, treating her champagne like it was a shot of something a hell of a lot stronger, which would’ve been ideal.</p><p>“We’re not going to push you to be anything more than friends, are we?” Meredith looked at her husband who shook his head, disappointed.</p><p>Lexie understood his frustration; he could see that his best friend and his sister had been ripped apart by circumstance and he wanted them to find their way back to each other. He was the reason Mark had ended up in Seattle to begin with, and so Derek took some of the blame.</p><p>“No, we’re not. As long as you’re both happy.”</p><p>“Well, I think we’re as happy as anyone can be given our history.” The ex couple watched each other cautiously, waiting for one of them to make the next move. Mark kept looking down at his menu, as if he was trying to distract himself. “Hey, uh, I need to go to the bathroom. Lex, can you order something for me? You know what I like.”</p><p>“You okay with sharing a seafood platter?” As soon as she said it, she regretted it. Her fear of this being a double date had apparently disappeared once food was involved.</p><p>“Yeah, let’s go for it.”</p><p>Mark smiled as he left the table, leaving Lexie to question her decision. Despite how mad she was with the two remaining people at the table, she laughed in disbelief at herself and welcomed the teasing from them both.</p><p>“You’re sharing food now, huh?”</p><p>“Don’t mock me, I’m not thinking straight!” Her phone buzzed in her purse and she pulled it out, worried that she was about to be called away for a surgery. She’d volunteered to be Cristina’s go-to over the next couple of days, with Derek allowing her to be flexible and work on-off on the clinical trial while he was still getting it underway.</p><p>When she saw the variation of names popping up on her phone, she placed it face down on the table and sighed. It continued to buzz incessantly for a few seconds before dying down again.</p><p>The waiter appeared to take their orders and Lexie heard the snickers when she requested a sharing platter. As the girl left, Lexie’s phone started to ring. She was getting more frustrated by the second but it was all down to her not bothering to pick up the phone and make one single call. She knew that texting short, sweet sentences wasn’t enough.</p><p>“You need to deal with that.” Derek watched her, deep in thought.</p><p>“Excuse me?” Her heart dropped.</p><p>“Meredith told me.” Lexie felt like she was about to explode. If Derek knew, how long was it before Mark knew? She was running out of time as it was, and she didn’t need the process to be sped up. “I’m not going to mention it to Mark, don’t panic. I get it.”</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>“I do. I respect that this was your choice but Lexie, please think about what you’re doing. I know that a lot went down between you and Mark last year but you had something incredibly special and it doesn’t come along often. Give yourself time while you’re home to really consider what you want for yourself but don’t throw away the idea of working things out with him.”</p><p>That was what Derek had wanted to say to her when she first sat down at the table, she knew it was. When Mark had stepped in, it was clear that he wanted Lexie to hear it without having him witness her reaction.</p><p>She hardly had time to process her brother-in-law’s advice before Mark was back. The conversation hadn’t picked up again and the tension had returned.</p><p>Well aware that the memories the four of them shared dated back to when Mark and Lexie were together, she took it upon herself to start them off.</p><p>“Well, there’s no point pretending the last few years didn’t happen.” She began, getting their attention. They looked afraid of her, like she might be about to break down. The risk was there, but she pushed on. “Remember when Mer and I attempted golf on the roof of the hospital?”</p><p>Laughter followed and Meredith acted offended. “Never again. I’m sure Meredith smashed something, you know. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so good at surgery be so clumsy when it comes to sport.” Mark grinned as he teased her.</p><p>“You’re making this personal? Okay, what about that time you smashed a vase on your way out of our house in the early hours of the morning?” Meredith fired back.</p><p>“You knew!” Lexie gasped and Mark hung his head in shame.</p><p>“You two were never exactly quiet.” Derek raised an eyebrow and gave them a disapproving look.</p><p>“That was all her!” Mark pointed straight at Lexie who scoffed.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. Take all the credit.” The four of them were relaxed now, hurling insults at each other, openly discussing their sex lives and losing their heads with laughter.</p><p>“I had suspicions that something was going on but I never imagined that you were exclusive or anything. That’s why I was so mad when you told me.” Derek said to Mark. “I thought you were using her. Maybe punching you was a little dramatic, though.”</p><p>“I’m still upset I didn’t get to witness your lovers tiff.”</p><p>“Lovers tiff?!” Mark and Derek answered in union.</p><p>“Oh come on, you two are like an old married couple. We should get you rocking chairs so you can sit out and watch the sunset together.” Lexie smirked.</p><p>“Also, Derek, I’m the clever one. I saw the looks Mark and Lex gave each other and figured it out straight away. Within days.” Meredith was smug. “Who knew Mark Sloan had it in him, eh?”</p><p>“I knew.” Mark was looking straight at Lexie, clearly wanting to get defensive. “I always wanted to settle down, just didn’t find the right girl until then.”</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Camomile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The attendings lounge was eerily silent. Lex was convinced it was soundproofed, too. The majority of staff were dealing with emergency surgeries as the result of a bus crash, but Lexie had been asked to put her photographic memory to good use for Derek’s trial. She was taking a break from the books but felt guilty for not digging her heels in with Bailey and insisting on helping out in the ER.</p><p>Stretching her arms out, she was relieved to be able to move from her position at the table. Lexie had terrible posture, something that she had worked hard to fix for years. She could always hold it for a few minutes but found herself getting invested in the book she was reading or the chart she was studying and letting her shoulders drop again.</p><p>After initially sleeping with Mark and him trying to ignore her existence all over again, she had managed to maintain a perfectly poised frame in a desperate attempt to keep his eyes on her body so he would cave and admit he didn’t want it to be a one time thing. She used it as a weapon when talking failed. It worked but when it was no longer necessary, she didn’t bother.</p><p>Lexie winced when she tasted the coffee. She’d grown accustomed to New York coffee and the stuff in this hospital wasn’t up to scratch, even in the lounge that belonged to some of the biggest money makers of Seattle Grace. She struggled to remember how she could ever drink this, but she guessed it was out of necessity. At least the food truck outside made up for it when she had the time to venture outside.</p><p>Growing increasingly tired of being shut away in this room with nobody to talk to and having spent four hours staring at words on a page instead of looking at injuries that needed her immediate attention, Lexie was thankful for the entrance of Callie and Arizona.</p><p>“Hey! It’s so calm in here.” Callie sighed, flopping onto the couch with Arizona following suit.</p><p>“It’s boring. I wish I was out there cutting people open and getting my hands dirty. I need another surgery, it’s been a week.”</p><p>“Have you assisted Mark on a surgery since you got back?” Arizona was always pressing for more.</p><p>All of her friends had been, especially since they saw her getting along with him so well at the bar. They were oblivious to where she’d ended up that night and the dinner date that Meredith and Derek had set up. If they knew, she’d never hear the end of it.</p><p>As far as they were concerned, Mark and Lexie were still at the horrendously awkward stage when in fact, they had actually moved past it and were now able to have real, daily conversations about more than just the weather. Lexie was still holding back but it was better than where they’d been to begin with. She didn’t think they would ever reach this point.</p><p>“Not yet. It’s not like we’re avoiding it, I’ve just been so busy with the trial.”</p><p>“He said he watched you perform an emergenc-” Arizona was cut off by Derek throwing the door open, letting it hit the wall with a bang. He was out of breath, his pager going off.</p><p>“I’m really sorry to do this so late in the day but I’ve been called into an emergency surgery tonight.” He looked apologetic, unsure of what else to say. “I can give you the number of Zola’s sitter, if you want? She’s great, has excellent references too.”</p><p>“Are you serious?” Callie was on the brink of tears, her lip trembling. “Sofia is tiny, she’s my little angel. I- I can’t leave her with a stranger, no matter how experienced what’s-her-name is.”</p><p>Lexie didn’t speak up and try to convince her to put her trust in the babysitter. Her brain was going into overdrive, figuring out if she should say what she was thinking. Derek apologised again, rushing back out and into the chaos.</p><p>“Wow.” Arizona laughed in disbelief. “Three parents. Three whole adults-”</p><p>“Me, lesbian lover and baby daddy, remember?” Callie interrupted through her gentle sobs to remind her of their nicknames.</p><p>“I remember. Between the three of us we’ve somehow ended up in a situation with nobody to take care of our baby. How does that happen? How did Meredith and Derek handle it with just two of them?”</p><p>“Zola isn’t a tiny human. Well, she is but she’s not as tiny as Sofia. It’s easier to put your trust in someone once your child is bigger than a football.” Lexie’s contribution to the conversation startled them both, like they’d forgotten she was in the room. “I can take care of her for the night, if you’re comfortable with it.”</p><p>“You sure?” Callie looked wary, but not because she didn’t trust her.</p><p>“I’m sure. I babysat for every kid on my street when I was in high school. I started saving for med school when I was fourteen, you know?”</p><p>“Impressive. But Lexie, she’s not just our daughter. She’s Mark’s kid too and I know you spent an entire day with her before but we were there with you. What if you get overwhelmed and start thinking about him and then you break down and we’re not there to comfort you?”</p><p>“You don’t need to worry about me, I’ve got this.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Babe?” Mark was stood close behind her, holding Sofia in his arms. “Uh, sorry. Shoot. I didn’t mean to call you that.” It took Lexie a while to process his slip of the tongue before she could turn around without the colour of her cheeks giving away how she felt about it.</p><p>“Hey! Do you have the spare key?” She smiled, taking a bag from him and coaxing him to hand Sofia to her. Lexie was staying at Callie and Arizona’s so she’d have everything she could possibly need, but she knew Mark would want to provide her with things for the journey home so both her and Sofia were fully prepared.</p><p>“It’s in the front zip pocket of the changing bag. I can’t believe you volunteered to do this. Are you one hundred percent sure that you’re ready? I know you’re good with kids but…”</p><p>“If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have offered. It’s really not a problem, Mark. Go, save lives.” She took her eyes off Sofia briefly to look up at him. The guilt that had been a frequent presence on his face since his oldest daughter had arrived was back, but his expression was soft.</p><p>“Guard her with your life. If you have any problems, call me and I’ll figure something out.” He leaned down to kiss his baby girl’s head, mouthing a “thank you” to Lexie as his pager beeped.</p><p>Time to see if she really <em>could</em> do this.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie had been watching movies with Sofia cradled against her chest for hours, only moving when it was time to give her a bottle. Being in her company had been pure bliss so far and she’d been giving a running commentary on everything happening on screen.</p><p>She’d since moved on to telling the three month old all about the journey of her relationship with Mark, finding comfort in the fact that the baby couldn’t understand her or talk and would therefore never try to give her any kind of advice or tell her how stupid she’d been over the past year or so.</p><p>“I remember our first Christmas together. I’d just moved into his apartment and he didn’t even have a tree. He told me that he used to celebrate with Derek and the rest of the Shepherd family and when he was on his own again, he stopped.” Lexie looked down at Sofia and noted that she was asleep. It was late and she knew she needed to put her up in her crib but she wanted to finish telling this story first.</p><p>“He never even spent Christmas with Derek and Addison, you know? I mean, knowing what we know now about him and Addison, it would’ve made sense if he had and that was why he didn’t celebrate the holidays but he didn’t have a reason. He told me he wanted to fall in love with it again and go all out with the decorations so we went overboard.” She got up from the couch, baby still in her arms, and headed for the stairs.</p><p>“We spent hundreds of dollars on baubles and lights and it ended up looking like Santa’s Grotto. Everyone made fun of us for it but we loved it. It was our safe haven, where the outside world couldn’t get to us. You’ll get to spend your first Christmas with him…I can guarantee it will be just as magical.”</p><p>Placing her down and making sure she was comfortable, Lexie opted to sit in the rocking chair in the corner of the room so she could keep a close eye on her.</p><p>“I should just tell him everything, shouldn’t I?” Lexie spoke into the silence, her heart leaping out of her chest when she heard a knock on the door. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she wondered who would be here at 3AM.</p><p>By the time she reached the top of the stairs, she could hear a key in the door.</p><p>“Lex?” Mark appeared in the hall, whispering.</p><p>“I’m up here.” She hung over the bannister slightly, just enough for him to see her. “What are you doing here so late, is everything okay?”</p><p>“I just finished the surgery.” Mark kicked his shoes off. “We lost him.”</p><p>“Mark, I’m so sorry.” Lexie watched him move up the stairs towards her and she reached for him, pulling him into her arms. She held him, wishing she could take the pain away. Losing a patient ripped you apart, even when you were used to it happening.</p><p>“It’s okay. I had a feeling.”</p><p>“Doesn’t make it any easier.”</p><p>He leaned into her, resting his chin on the top of her head. There was no expectation here; no risk that one of them might ask for more. It was just a simple case of two people who cared about each other being a source of familiarity and comfort.</p><p>“I’m sorry if I scared you when I came in, I just wanted to see Sofia. That’s kinda become my thing since she came along; I lose a patient or I have a bad day and I come straight to see her. I never used to be like this, I’d just get on with it but now I have this need to be around the people I love.”</p><p>“I get it. She’s addictive.”</p><p>“Mmm.” He mumbled into her hair. After a few more minutes of standing there, they broke apart.</p><p>“I’ll let you go see her and I’ll come back with a cup of camomile tea, okay?”</p><p>“Camomile?” He raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“What? You love it, don’t pretend you don’t.”</p><p>“Just surprised you remember.” She turned her back on him, walking down the stairs. The whole way down, she felt his eyes on her.</p><p>Stood in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil, Lexie remembered the nights when she would come home to a cup of camomile waiting for her. Mark would always get the timing exactly right once she called to tell him she was on her way home, and laid her pyjamas out on the bed for her to change into. More often than not, she’d end up not wearing anything at all but the thought was there.</p><p>It had taken a solid month of this routine for her to convince him to try even a sip of her tea and he’d confessed that he loved it. From then on, there would be a second cup next to hers.</p><p>Lexie carried the mugs upstairs, expecting to see Mark stood in the middle of the nursery with his daughter in his arms. She was greeted by the sight of him collapsed in the rocking chair, holding one of Sofia’s stuffed animals close to him. Covering him with a blanket she found on her own bed for the night, she couldn’t help but stare.</p><p>He looked peaceful despite the loss of his patient that night. That loss would’ve destroyed her but Mark Sloan was different. Yes, he was heartbroken and he would spend days thinking about what he could’ve done differently, but he never let these things ruin his confidence.</p><p>He was a force to be reckoned with in all aspects and Lexie was getting tired of fighting.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Breakfast</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up once again in the same house as Lexie Grey with only a wall separating them, Mark was suffering from a head-spinning case of deja vu. He’d been pacing since he woke up, wishing he could wrap his mind around this. He needed to put an end to this level of closeness if he had any hope of staying sane, but he couldn’t bring himself to push her away.</p><p>He shouldn’t have come back to Callie and Arizona’s last night, not when he knew she’d be here alone. Her offer of babysitting had put him on edge. When he wasn’t operating, his fantasy of her taking care of <em>their</em> child was all he could think about. Mark had this whole other world playing out in his head and he was spending more and more time in his fictional life than his real one.</p><p>In his head, they were a family. Lexie was a positive influence for Sloan and an amazing step-mom to Sofia who was all grown up. They had a son named Everett who had all of their best features and qualities and they had a dog. Mark didn’t even like dogs.</p><p>They were in the process of adopting a little girl named Caroline who had stolen their hearts with one photo. They had recently moved into a bigger house and Mark had taken a step back from his work while the kids were still young and Lexie still had time to build her career. She was a neurosurgeon, someone every intern looked up to and aspired to be.</p><p>He wished he could stay in that bubble forever. Reality was a harsh contrast. There was no big white wedding on the cards for them, no chance of them raising children together and no pets.</p><p>The only part that could be somewhat true was Lexie becoming a neurosurgeon. Mark held onto that. From the moment things got tough for them, he had been confident that she would achieve her goals. He had just wanted her to be able to live a full life with him while she did it.</p><p>“Hi, angel. How are you doing?” The welcome sight of Sofia’s smiling face was an instant mood booster. He lifted her from her crib. “Your mommies are gonna be so happy to see you tonight.”</p><p>He had woken up to a text that they were staying at the hospital overnight in preparation for a series of surgeries today, and that he needed to relieve Lex of her babysitting duties. If only they knew.</p><p>“Should we go wake Little Grey up?” He glanced at the clock. Nine was late for Lexie, assuming her sleeping pattern on her days off had remained the same. Sofia blinked at him, her brown eyes taking his attention away from his mission. She looked so much like Callie.</p><p>The door to the guest bedroom was ajar so Mark pushed it open gently, sneaking across the room and closing the gap between him and the bed. He made himself comfortable on the edge of the mattress, strategically holding his daughter with one arm and shifting Lexie’s legs over with the other to give himself more space. The movement disturbed her and she opened her eyes slowly, taking in her surroundings. He half expected her to scream, but she didn’t make a single sound.</p><p>“Morning.” She smiled at him but he couldn’t return it. A small aspect of his fantasy was crossing over into his reality. They could’ve had this. Every single morning, they could’ve experienced what it was like to wake up to each other and a baby but instead he’d spent too long waking up without her. This was as close as he was ever going to get and he didn’t want to let it go.</p><p>“Hi.” Mark cleared his throat. “You wanna hold her? I’m gonna go make us a coffee.”</p><p>“Please. But Mark, decent coffee. I’m begging you.”</p><p>“I’ve got you.” He laughed, soaking up the scene before him. Two of his favourite girls on the planet. “Hey, Lex? I was thinking of heading out for breakfast with the little one. Do you wanna join us?”</p><p>If he was thinking straight he would’ve made her some toast and called her a cab but he wasn’t in his right mind. He rarely was when it came to her.</p><p>“Breakfast sounds perfect.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Waking up to Mark Sloan inches away from her with a three month old baby in his arms hadn’t felt as strange as she was expecting. Perhaps it was just because she’d grown accustomed to being around Sofia lately, but it scared her that she didn’t want to leap out of bed and run out of the house in her pyjamas and instead wanted to cherish the moment.</p><p>He had taken her to a small neighbourhood café where the staff referred to him by name and shouted his order through to the kitchen the second he stepped foot in the door. He had also remembered her complex coffee order, her choice in pancake toppings and pastries and the fact that she liked a glass of orange juice too.</p><p>“We’re going all out this morning, huh? I think I might need to start using my gym membership.”</p><p>“You’ve never been here before and I know you love trying new things. I couldn’t let the occasion go to waste with just one item from the menu. Oh, and trust me when I tell you these pancakes are like nothing you’ve ever tasted.” His eyes lit up as he spoke.</p><p>“Hmm, I’ll get back to you on that. So, how are you finding the co-parenting situation?”</p><p>“Hell. It’s not because Callie and Arizona are making it difficult, they’ve been great but I just want her all to myself, you know?” He placed his hand on Sofia’s blanket, checking that she was still sound asleep in her carrier. “I always figured I’d be in a stable relationship with my kid’s mom and custody would never be a problem but I guess life doesn’t work like that, huh?”</p><p>Lexie stared at him. She couldn’t determine if that a dig at her, or if was he simply expressing that he still thought about the future they’d lost. “Would you change it?”</p><p>“Not for the world. Sofia and Sloan changed everything for me, it doesn’t matter that they weren’t part of my plan or that things went off-course from what I imagined for myself. I don’t know, it makes me question if I wasted too much time on the wrong lifestyle before.”</p><p>He looked like he was desperate to say more, to unleash everything he felt until the memory of Lexie leaving was far enough in the past for him to act like it had never happened. She knew that was what she wanted to do, but she still had to keep it all bottled up. Too afraid to risk anything, to let herself express what she wanted.</p><p>“I get that.” She sighed. Everyone had a plan. Meredith had a plan very similar to her younger sister’s and Mark had one that he had included Lexie in once he knew she was the real deal, but Lexie herself had failed to let other people become part of hers. She let them get close but never close enough to sway her. Mark Sloan had been the one to almost shatter it all. Almost.</p><p>The sudden noise coming from her phone pulled her out of her daydream and Mark acted fast, rocking Sofia to keep her quiet. Lexie glanced down at her phone. She couldn’t deal with this right now, not with Mark sat right there with her. She declined the call but it rang again, and again.</p><p>“You need to get that?”</p><p>“Um…” Lexie willed the device to disappear. “No, it’s fine. I’ll call back later.” The anxiety set in, a feeling that had become common over the past year. She had started to get it under control after a streak of great surgeries back in New York but being here in Seattle and feeling so unsettled had brought it back up to the surface again.</p><p>“Lex?” Mark placed his hand on hers across the table. The sensation calmed her, taking her to a place in her head where everything was okay and New York was a distant memory; a phase that had been nothing but a chance to grow. There was nothing pulling her back to the city and the only thing she needed was this. “Pancakes are here.” He removed his hand as a server presented their food.</p><p>“Is this Doctor Grey you have with you?” The older waitress winked at Mark, giving him a knowing look. Lexie blushed, regretting the decision to wear her hair up today.</p><p>“Yeah, this is Lex. Lexie, this is Ivy.” He introduced them, coming across as unexpectedly shy.</p><p>“It’s wonderful to finally meet you. He kept saying he’d bring you here one day and I was starting to think we’d never see you!” He’d been making plans in her absence? She felt ashamed then, wondering if he’d vented about her too. Exactly how much did the staff in this diner know about their relationship?</p><p>“It’s great to meet you, too.” Lexie smiled at her, taking a sip of her juice.</p><p>“Y’all enjoy your food and let me know if you want anything else. Hope we see you again soon, Lexie!” Ivy shuffled back to the front of the diner, leaving them in a rather awkward silence.</p><p>Mark was evidently embarrassed that he’d been caught out, but Lexie didn’t want the morning to be ruined. Although she didn’t talk about him to anyone, it didn’t mean she hadn’t thought about him a lot while she was gone and all the places she’d have liked to take him to.</p><p>“She’s sweet, I can see why you like it here.”</p><p>“Hmm?” He was in a daze. “Oh, yeah. They kinda took me under their wing, let me sit in here for hours with Sof just watching the world go by.”</p><p>They were interrupted by yet another call, this time from Mark’s phone. He looked at her apologetically. “Go ahead.” Lexie took the opportunity to focus her attention solely on the food in front of her, trying not to listen to Mark’s conversation. She’d tuned him out, only catching the odd word here and there.</p><p>“Lex? That was Sloan. She wanted to know if I was up for a trip to the park later with Sofia and my, uh…my Grandson. Damn, it’s weird saying that out loud.” He laughed nervously. “Would you want to come with us? Sloan would love to see you again and make amends…I get it if you don’t wanna go, I can drop you home.”</p><p>Lexie’s heart swelled. He really wanted her to be part of his life outside of the hospital, even after everything. Even if they couldn’t be together, she could give him this.</p><p>“I’d love to.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Lexie!” Mark’s oldest daughter came bounding up to her, excitedly throwing her arms around her and almost knocking her to the ground.</p><p>“Oh wow, hi Sloan. How are you?” Lexie returned the hug, startled by the gesture.</p><p>“I’m amazing! Did Mark tell you I’m at college now? This is my son, Austin. Well, you already know I gave him to that great couple. They let me take care of him a lot when I’m home, I’m basically his babysitter.”</p><p>“He’s beautiful, Sloan.” She was trying so hard to be polite, but she was still cautious. It was hard to forget that her arrival was what had stirred up trouble.</p><p>“Dad, can you take the kids and go set up the picnic blanket? Everything is in that basket. We’re gonna go grab ice-creams” Mark looked baffled at the prospect of attempting to get two prams over to the tree she was pointing at, but waved them off.</p><p>“So, how’s college?” Lexie struck up conversation, hoping that Sloan wouldn’t start interrogating her about why she wasn’t confessing her love to Mark and begging for him to take her back.</p><p>“It’s great, Look, Lexie, I really dragged you away so I could talk to you about my behaviour back then. I’m not proud of the way I treated you or Mark. I acted like a kid and I expected too much of you both. Especially you. I shouldn’t have relied so heavily on you, I should’ve got my life together myself.”</p><p>“Sloan, it’s okay. You were scared. I mean, if I was in your position I’d probably have acted the same.” That was a lie. Lexie never would’ve been so demanding.</p><p>“I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. Sometimes I think about how much easier it would’ve been for him if I’d just left him alone.”</p><p>“Hey! Sloan, no, don’t be sorry for existing. He’s your Dad and he did right by you. He chose his family and I’d have been angry if he’d hadn’t. I couldn’t be with someone who put a relationship as short as ours over a lifetime of happiness with his kid.”</p><p>They came to a stop by the ice-cream truck and Sloan ordered for them, remembering that her and Lexie did at least have one thing in common; a love for mint choc chip. As they walked back to the grass, they laughed at Mark’s battle with the picnic blanket. It was flapping around in the breeze and he couldn’t get it to lay flat.</p><p>“When you walked into the park you both looked really happy. Dad looked happier than I’ve seen him in months…”</p><p>“Sl-” Lexie closed her mouth again when Sloan tugged on her arm. They stopped walking while they were still far enough away that Mark couldn’t hear them.</p><p>“He hasn’t been the same since you left, Lexie. It was hard watching him struggle but this, you being here, this is good for him. For months I wasn’t sure if he was going to bounce back, but the one thing that was clear throughout was that he’s never loved anyone like he loves you.”</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Driveway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following Sloan’s revelation, Lexie’s heart had skipped a beat every time Mark looked in her direction. It usually did but this afternoon it was more intense than ever.</p><p>Today had been too much for her to handle so soon and she was beginning to regret agreeing to breakfast this morning, despite how perfect it had been at the time.</p><p>Perhaps showing up at his house drunk was a step too far, but she could still blame that on the alcohol. Breakfast and a picnic in the park? Entirely her fault.</p><p>An in-depth conversation about Sloan’s education made her feel like a parental figure and yet she temporarily slipped into the role, offering advice. For Lexie, med school had been her only option. She’d had it in her head that she was going to be a doctor since she was six years old and by the time she reached high school, her mind was made up.</p><p>She never stopped studying. She absorbed as much information as her brain had space for and worked tirelessly to stay one step ahead of her peers. Her photographic memory helped but sometimes it was hard to pull the right bits of information from the back of her mind when she needed them. Still, she was relentless.</p><p>Mark’s daughter was different. She didn’t have a clue what she wanted out of life and her head wasn’t in the game. Sloan was interested in make-up and impressing boys and didn’t have the faintest idea of what it took to raise a child when Lexie first met her, but the transformation was admirable and all credit went to the girl’s father.</p><p>She’d stepped up as a responsible role model for Austin, had respect for his adoptive parents and for her own parents. College was now her focus and she’d stopped partying, for the most part, in favour of writing.</p><p>What Lexie had discovered during their time at the park was that Sloan had been motivated by none other than Lexie herself. She had admired her putting her career above anything else and could see how that way of thinking had given her endless opportunities to succeed.</p><p>It was fair to say that Lexie was actually fit to be a mom whether she had tried to be or not.</p><p>Having dropped Sofia back at Callie and Arizona’s before dinner, Lexie had gone on to agree to a ride home. She knew that calling a cab was the right thing to do in her current emotional state, but when had she ever done the logical thing when it came to him?</p><p>It was dark now, the light from the street lamp falling across Mark’s face. She studied his features, taking in every detail. His jawline was prominent and she became acutely aware that he had shaved and his facial hair was now exactly the way she’d always liked it. Was that intentional?</p><p>There was no car on the driveway, no light coming from inside the house. It was just them in an enclosed space, alone, staring at each other in silence. They’d been that way for a while. Lexie wanted to say something, anything, but she knew where this was going and she wasn’t prepared to stop the inevitable.</p><p>Mark turned his head away, looking up at the sky. It was a clear night and the stars were beautiful but Lexie didn’t care about them. Any other night with him and they’d have been stargazing together, pointing out the constellations, but right now nothing mattered.</p><p>It was like Mark was all she could see, all she wanted to see. She didn’t want this moment to be shattered by the reality of their relationship but she was too afraid to take it to where she wanted it to go.</p><p>She took a deep breath, loud enough to capture his attention. She reached across, her hand on his face. Edging her body closer, she closed the gap and kissed him.</p><p>It took him mere seconds for him to register what was happening and then he was kissing her back. A kiss filled with all the frustration, the anger and the hurt that had built up over the last year.</p><p>In all their time together, all their passion-fuelled nights and experimenting in the bedroom, they had never kissed like this. This was different, like they were on another planet. Like they weren’t themselves. His hands were in her hair, tugging her closer. He pulled on her bottom lip, causing her to moan and she melted into him, shifting so she was straddling him. The steering wheel was pressing into her back but the discomfort faded the more he teased her.</p><p>His hands were roaming her body, following every curve and caressing every inch. She reached below for his belt, well aware that things were escalating beyond her control. Lexie needed him in a way that she hadn’t for months. She’d been able to satisfy herself for so long and now she had him right there in her grasp. He was addictive. With his belt now unbuckled, she smoothed her hands across his chest and waited for him to make the next move.</p><p>“Lexie.” Mark moaned into her, causing a wave of pleasure. “Lex.” His hands were on her face and he was pushing her away. He rested his forehead against hers, struggling to catch his breath.</p><p>“Are you okay?” She leaned back and ran her hand through his hair, both of them in a daze.</p><p>“We can’t do this. I’m sorry, Lex. I want to, you have no idea how much I want to and I know you do too but we’re not ready for this.” He had one hand around her waist, drawing circles on her bare skin. She shivered and he stopped. “I’m sorry. I think I should go.”</p><p>Lexie felt the tears starting to form and detached herself from him, crawling back to her side of the car and letting her emotions run wild. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t apologise, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was a long time coming but we just-”</p><p>“No, Mark. This <em>was</em> wrong. I love you and I will always love you but I can’t. All of the obstacles are still there and then some, and they're not going away. I’m sorry, none of this is fair to you. I should never have come back, not while I still have feelings for you.”</p><p>“Lexie, I lo-”</p><p>“Please.” She couldn’t hear him say it now. “Don’t say it.” He reached out his arm and placed his hand on her face, giving her a knowing look.</p><p>She was glad he’d put an end to their rendezvous and given her clarity. Her and Mark could never be just friends. There was always going to be something more, whether it was unspoken or not.</p><p>Nodding in acceptance, he leant over and opened her door for her right as Derek and Meredith pulled up next to them on the drive.</p><p>Derek beeped the horn, waving enthusiastically. They weren’t aware that Lexie had been with Mark all day and probably thought that Lexie had decided to abandon New York to be with him again. If only it were that easy.</p><p>Not wanting to wait around and talk, she ignored them as she hurried inside. Mark could deal with them alone. The front door was unlocked, meaning if anyone was downstairs they’d make an appearance in the hall as soon as they heard it open. She couldn’t face them.</p><p>“Hey! Sorry, just grabbing this box. I was using your closet for storage when you were gone and I left it behind when you moved back in.” Karev was in the attic by the time Lexie got up there and was making his way out of the room.</p><p>“Okay.” Her voice was shaking, causing him to look up.</p><p>“Hey, what’s up? Did Mark do something to upset you?”</p><p>Lexie chose that moment to burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably and falling into Alex. He kept her upright. She had never felt so weak. Even when she had been moping around her apartment in New York, at least there was a small amount of hope that things could work in their favour in a few years but now? Now it was all gone.</p><p>They heard the front door slam and they were joined by Meredith and Derek, who had Zola in his arms. Mer was crying too, hating seeing her sister like this. Jo followed the commotion, taking over from Alex and guiding Lexie into the bedroom.</p><p>Sitting down on the bed, everyone crammed themselves in and hovered over her, unsure of how to calm her down.</p><p>“He just told me what happened.” Derek was first to speak, placing Zola down so she could run to her Auntie Lexie.</p><p>“Lexie, you don’t have to do this right now. You can take some time to process, we can dance it out or something. I know you loved doing that with Cristina and I.” Meredith knelt down in front of her, trying to make eye contact. Their bond was unbreakable at this point and they could always tell what the other was thinking. Lexie had never had this with her other sister, Molly. With Mer, it was different. They had common interests, the same circle of friends. They had grown together despite not growing up together and when one of them was hurt, they both felt it.</p><p>“What?” Karev whispered, cautious that his curiosity might trigger another round of sobs.</p><p>“I kissed Mark.” She announced, before anyone could do it for her. She didn’t want her friends to hear it from Meredith or Derek, she wanted to give her side of the story and not the version that Mark had given.</p><p>“Isn’t that a good thing?”</p><p>“Yeah, I thought you came back for him?” Jo chimed in, matching Alex’s confusion.</p><p>“Seriously?” Lexie laughed, playing with her niece’s hair. “I came back for Zola. I’ve missed so much of her life already and I treated everyone like crap, too. I didn’t say goodbye, I didn’t call. Mark had nothing to do with it, in fact he was the one thing stopping me for so long.”</p><p>“I don’t get it, Lexipedia.” Alex threw the nickname in for comfort. “What’s the big deal? So what, he has a couple of kids. Sloan is pretty independent now and she doesn’t need someone holding her hand. Heck, she barely even has a father-daughter relationship with him, they’re more like the best of friends so nobody would expect you to step up as her mom.”</p><p>“Alex, that’s not-” Meredith tried to cut him off.</p><p>“As for Sofia, she has three parents. You’d have endless support and with the custody arrangement, you’d have loads of time to work on your career. You love Mark and he loves you. The kids are a minor complication at this point.”</p><p>Lexie looked at her sister for support, but was given a look that implied she needed to be the one who said it. She owed Alex and Jo an explanation, no matter how ashamed she was. What she was about to tell them wasn't something she should keep secret and when combined with what she’d just done, she hated herself.</p><p>“Lex, you can’t keep it to yourself. They’re your friends, don’t leave them out of this. You should be talking freely about it, not hiding it because you’re worried about what people will think.” Derek pushed.</p><p>“Okay.” She steadied her breathing and held Zola close to her. “A couple of months after I arrived in New York, I was out for drinks with Doctor Hartley. We were at this high-end bar in Manhattan and some friends of hers walked in. One of them was Xavier Anderson.”</p><p>“Wait, <em>the</em> Xavier Anderson? World renowned surgeon and board director?” Jo looked excited but contained it as best she could.</p><p>“The one Mark went to med school with…” Realisation washed over Alex.</p><p>“Yeah, the one he hates.” Lexie let Zola down so she could throw herself back on the bed in exasperation. She didn't want to say it.</p><p>“Lexie, come on.”</p><p>“We’re engaged. The wedding is in two months.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Departures</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you one hundred and fifty percent sure that you want to do this?”</p><p>Last night had been a whirlwind. After finally confessing to her friends that she was engaged to Xavier, she had been faced with an impossible choice: stay and break Xavier’s heart, or leave and break Mark’s heart.</p><p>Her decision had lead them to the airport.</p><p>Mark probably wouldn’t even take her back once he found out she’d moved on so fast. It would seem like she didn’t care about him, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. She also had to decide whether to tell Xavier. He’d known about Lexie’s relationship with Mark the entire time and had always been respectful, but that was because he trusted his girlfriend to push down any feelings and remember all the reasons Mark Sloan was off-limits. He knew she was trying to get over him and as far as he was concerned, she’d been successful. That was what she’d told him.</p><p>How could she have done this to both of them? She didn’t love Xavier but she knew she could, when enough time had passed and she was truly over Mark. Would that ever happen? He loved her the way Mark loved her, treated her with just as much respect and viewed her as an equal despite his high rank in the hospital.</p><p>Xavier didn’t have kids nor was he ready for them, and he always talked about adopting when the timing was right. That was something Lexie was hesitant about: did she want biological children of her own?</p><p>When Callie and Arizona had told her when she first came back that Mark was willing to wait for her, she began seriously doubting everything. If she wanted to be selfish, she could stay in Seattle. She could work on her relationship with Mark and take the plunge. If she went back to New York, she’d lose more than she would if she stayed.</p><p>“No, I’m not sure. I just know I need to go back.” Lexie sighed and turned to Derek, who hadn’t taken her luggage out of the car yet. He was leaning against the car, refusing to move until she could promise him that she wasn’t making a mistake.</p><p>“Are you going to tell him? Xavier?” Meredith asked.</p><p>“I don’t know, what do you think I should do?”</p><p>“I think you need to make a decision about what you want first. And I think you have, Lexie. By all means go back to New York but don’t do anything you can’t take back, not until you’re absolutely certain.” Her sister looked down at her hands, avoiding looking at her.</p><p>Lexie wasn’t certain and she didn’t think she ever would be. This was so out of character for her. Every decision she’d made since the break-up had come from a different side of her, a side she had never seen before. Heartbreak had taken over, influencing her every move.</p><p>“So you think if I choose Xavier, I should pretend the kiss never happened?”</p><p>“I don’t think a guy like him is going to be willing to compete with a guy like Mark long-term. They despised each other in High School and it didn’t end in med school, so believe me when I tell you that he won’t be able to forgive you. Honestly, Lex, it wouldn’t surprise me if he tracked Mark down and showed him a piece of his mind. Those two have a lot of bad blood.”</p><p>“Hold up! She’s possibly marrying this guy, Derek.” Meredith looked bewildered and she immediately placed her hand on Lexie’s shoulder.</p><p>She’d never seen Xavier be violent. Sure, he yelled sometimes but it was never aimed at her. He discreetly made sure any guy eyeing her up knew she was his, but never threatened anyone. Either way, this was another point to Seattle and to Mark.</p><p>Before she left this morning, Jo had made it clear that their friendship wasn’t going anywhere this time. She wanted to be kept up to date with the wedding and had given herself and Meredith the task of planning a bachelorette party in the Hamptons. Karev had promised to keep an eye on Mark again and this time tell her if he was struggling. She didn’t want to be cut off like before, but she wasn’t so sure there was going to be anything to plan regardless of whether she told her fiancé about the kiss or not.</p><p>“I’m going.” Lexie’s mind was made up. “I’ll give it time.”</p><p>“How much time is enough? We don’t want you avoiding this place for another three hundred and sixty-five days, it’s been so good having you back with us the last few weeks.” Meredith gestured for Derek to start taking the luggage out.</p><p>“When I’ve got my head straight, I’ll tell you. I’ll also make sure I call you at least once a week.” Lexie pulled her sister in for a hug, swaying from side to side on the sidewalk. She was going to miss this immensely. “I’m sorry for doing this again, for leaving out of the blue.”</p><p>“It’s okay, we knew it might happen. Just get yourself sorted Lex, don’t worry about what people think. You have more reason to go now than you did before and we get it, everyone will.” Derek grabbed her cases, ready to wheel them inside for her.</p><p>“I’m gonna stay out here, okay?” Meredith’s smile was weak.</p><p>“Okay. I love you, Mer. Thank you for everything.”</p><p>“I love you too, and I’m proud of you.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Okay, you all set?” Derek had walked Lexie all the way to security, waiting patiently in every queue and reassuring her that his wife wouldn’t mind him leaving her out in the car for so long.</p><p>“I’m all set.” She had accepted that she was never going to be totally sure if she was making the right decision until she was back with Xavier. How she felt when her eyes landed on him would tell her everything she needed to know. “Next time I see you might be at the wedding, so…”</p><p>“If you need to talk it through, you can call any of us. Me, Meredith, Jo, Karev…”</p><p>“I know. Thanks, Derek.” She smiled, taking her carry-on from him. “One last favour. Can you give this to Mark? I explained everything so you don’t have to, and I just want him to understand things from my perspective.” She gave her brother-in-law an envelope addressed to Mark.</p><p>“Of course.” He checked his watch. “You’d better head through. Go get yourself a coffee or something, I still need your brain working on the trial research for me.” Squeezing him tightly, she fought back tears.</p><p>“Look after him for me.” As Lexie began piling her things into a plastic tray, she turned to look at Derek one final time. He looked like he wanted to say something so she nodded, waiting.</p><p>“Of course. And Lex? Don’t be afraid to come home.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Mark had been paged to a conference room at the end of his shift, something that had once been his and Lexie’s ritual when the on-call room was occupied. He was confused. After the way they’d left things last night, there was no way she’d be wanting to pick up where they left off.</p><p>He jumped in the first available elevator which was filled with nurses, all staring at him. He was used to it at this point but these days he barely paid attention. They weren’t Lexie. He smirked when he remembered the time she’d kissed him in front of a group of interns just to prove a point.</p><p>Last night’s kiss wasn’t about either of them figuring out their feelings for each other. They knew in their hearts how they felt, it was about giving in to temptations. Mark was ready for it, he had never had a single doubt about their relationship or their life together even when she was gone.</p><p>He knew he’d come back to her because he knew she felt the connection they’d shared since they’d met. It was too strong to ignore but she hadn’t been ready to let it take over this time around, not like when she’d showed up at his apartment years ago. Back then, they were two unattached people. Too much had changed for Lexie to be impulsive now.</p><p>“Hi.” Mark flung the door open to see his best friend sat at the table, where Little Grey should be.</p><p>“No way.” His heart sunk. He should’ve recalled what had happened when she left for New York. He had been paged to this exact room and Derek had told him she was gone.</p><p>“Mark, I’m sorry. It’s complicated.” He looked equally as frustrated.</p><p>“I just want everything to be simple for us, is that too much to ask? Derek, I can’t do this. I can’t be without her, she’s just always in my head. Every second of every day. I can never get away from her and I know damn well she thinks about me, too. I love her and I want her to be happy with or without me, but this, the constant pain, it’s too much.” Mark broke down, allowing himself to be vulnerable.</p><p>“She asked me to give you this.” Derek passed him an envelope. “I’m going to let you read it alone, I’ll be in Webber’s office.”</p><p>Mark looked down at the paper in his hands, tracing his name on the front. He’d always envied Lexie’s handwriting, getting her to write all of their Christmas cards. Ripping it open, he wiped his tears.</p><p>
  <em>“Dear Mark,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Do you remember when I told you that the odds were against us? I said that our survival rate was 3% but that it wasn’t nothing, and that we shouldn’t give up. I stand by that. I’m about to break your heart again, and for that I’m deeply sorry. I will never be able to express how sorry I am, and I hope you understand and consider every word that follows.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I met Xavier Anderson a couple of months into my time in New York and things progressed very fast. I told him about you and that I wasn’t over you, but he loved me regardless. He proposed to me unexpectedly, but I accepted. I knew and he knew that I’m still in love with you but I think we both figured I’d get over you in time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps I underestimated the force that keeps you and I together because when I came back and I met Sofia, everything changed. I realised that Xavier is like you, even though you would never admit it. Neither would he. You’re both charming and witty, charismatic and stubborn. I think that’s why I thought I was in love with him. I tricked myself into thinking he could be a second chance for me because I couldn’t have the real thing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That kiss pushed me over the edge. I shoved my feelings for you down for so long and I let them rise to the surface. I shouldn’t have kissed you while I’m engaged and I shouldn’t have hidden it from you. I came home to spend time with Zola and instead got caught up in being around you again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have to go back to New York. I have to know if being with him is worth the pain of leaving you behind for good or if I’m prepared to be a mother and to give myself to you and your family. You are an incredible man, Mark Sloan, and whatever I decide, you taught me what it felt like to be loved. You always told me to put myself and my career over anything or anyone and that’s what I did. Now it’s time for me to figure out if I’m truly ready to compromise parts of myself and be what you need.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please, keep an open mind. Take care of yourself and your girls and remember that our love is not lost.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yours,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex”</em>
</p><p>What the hell was this? Was this meant to give him hope? Did she expect him to wait around another year while she planned a wedding she didn’t even want? Was she going to leave Xavier at the altar and come home then?</p><p>Mark was furious, and yet relieved. She wouldn’t have written all that crap about figuring out her feelings if she was going to choose Xavier, she’d have told Mark to move on.</p><p>Little Grey was his, and she was coming home to him for good. It was just a matter of when.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Xavier</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Six weeks. Forty-two days of Mark feeling sorry for himself, bitter and angry at the world. He didn’t understand why timing never worked in his favour.</p><p>He ended it with Callie because his heart was with Lexie and hers was with Arizona. His second shot with Addison hadn’t become anything more than a brief fling because his heart was yet again, or always had been, with Lexie.</p><p>He lost Lex and had Callie back just long enough to bring Sofia into the world and then Arizona had come home and taken his best friend away from him again, leaving him with nobody.</p><p>Then Lexie came home and he discovered he’d lost her to Xavier Anderson. Of all the people in the entire world, and she’d fallen for him. Mark had no doubt that her feelings for the man were real but he had to question if they matched up to her feelings for him.</p><p>It was more a case of if she was willing to let go of her damn career plan for a lifetime with Mark. He had to admit, he didn’t think he would give everything up at her age either. Maybe she was better off with Xavier.</p><p>Who was he kidding? If she was as in love with Xavier as he had convinced himself she was, she would never have kissed Mark or grown close to him again or written him that letter. There would’ve been no “<em>I love you</em>” or “<em>Our love is not lost</em>.”</p><p>Regardless of how confident he was in the final parts of that letter, Mark still feared the worst. He didn’t think he could go much longer without knowing if Lexie had made a decision and it was eating away at him.</p><p>He had driven Sloan back up to college for the fall semester and kept himself busy with Sofia, taking her even on the days when she should’ve been with her Moms. Callie and Arizona had been more than willing to let him and at this point he might as well have moved in with them.</p><p>The difficulty was that he was sleeping in the bed Lexie had stayed in the night she babysat and he had taken to only wearing the tshirts of his that she’d favoured over the years. Not to mention the polaroids of her and their friends that Arizona had placed on the notice board at home. She’d offered to take them down but Mark had insisted that he liked seeing Lexie so happy.</p><p>Mark had been avoiding Derek and Meredith’s house like the plague, afraid of what it might do to him if he stepped inside. Their house was like a shrine to the youngest Grey sibling.</p><p>There were family photos on the wall, her old coat still on the hook, an old pair of boots in the closet under the stairs. There was no escape and even sitting at the dinner table, he had been allocated her seat. Surrounded by all of their friends, drinking her favourite wine, talking about anything but her.</p><p>He had no idea why he’d thought he could make it through tonight. When Derek had invited him along, they had both known how unlikely it was. Perhaps it was the doubt from his friend that had pushed him to show his face. He didn’t want people to see him as weak anymore, and he didn’t want to sit at home alone. Mark had taken the plunge and rocked up with a six pack of beer, hoping nobody would make a big deal out of it.</p><p>“Did you take Sloan back to college this week?” April could see the nerves written all over his face and made the first move to distract him.</p><p>“Yeah, Monday. She said thank you for the book recommendation, by the way. I, on the other hand, am not grateful because as a result of your generosity, I’m stuck with daily updates.”</p><p>“At least you don’t have to read it.”She laughed.</p><p>Mark had thought about picking up a book, even asking Meredith for one that Lexie had left on her shelf. He had never been much of a reader until she came along. When they weren’t spending their evenings all over each other, they were cuddled up in bed reading.</p><p>They had a system where Lexie would sit between his legs and lean back against him so they could read the same book simultaneously. She would hold the book and he’d play with her hair.</p><p>On the nights that Lexie was studying, he’d study with her and quiz her at the end of a section. He wanted more of that, and he couldn’t get himself in the right frame of mind to read without her.</p><p>“When’s she coming home?” It was rare for Cristina to engage in friendly conversation with him, so he knew everyone had been given a briefing on how to help him get through this. They were determined not to let him get to the point he’d been at the first time around.</p><p>“In a couple of months. She’ll be with her Mom this time so I won’t get to see her or Austin.”</p><p>“You should go visit her.” Derek passed him the salad bowl. “It’d do you good to get away from here for a little while.”</p><p>“I don’t want to leave Sofia if I don’t have to.”</p><p>“You know, you are Austin’s…I was going to say Grandparent but I know that makes you feel a hundred years old. Anyway, he’s still your family and you have a pretty good bond with his adoptive parents, right? You should reach out to them.” Meredith suggested.</p><p>He nodded but knew he wasn’t going to follow her advice. He didn’t want to impose. They were trying to raise him as their own and didn’t need him interfering. As much as he wanted to keep everyone in his life close to him, losing Lexie again had made him realise that it wasn’t always in his control.</p><p>The people he loved had lives that didn’t revolve around him. Sloan was building her future, Derek had Meredith and a family of his own to think of, Callie had Arizona and Lexie was creating a life with someone who wasn’t him.</p><p>Mark had Sofia and he had himself. That should be enough.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Hours passed and Mark was drowning in beer. He had promised himself he wouldn’t let his alcohol consumption get out of hand tonight but when all of his friends were slipping their favourite memories with Lexie into conversation, he couldn’t say no each time Karev headed to the kitchen for more.</p><p>A couple of hours into the evening, his wingman had ditched him in favour of Jo. Taking matters into his own hands, he stumbled up the stairs and found himself where he wanted to be. Swaying slightly, Mark fell back onto Lexie’s bed. He could feel her presence even though she hadn’t occupied it for weeks.</p><p>He stared at the ceiling, thinking about her. Wondering how many hours she’d spent looking at the same light fitting, thinking about him. He wanted her next to him and he wanted to be talking about a future with her. Fantasising about one that was disappearing further from view with every day that passed wasn’t enough for him anymore. He was losing hope, losing more of her heart the longer she spent with Xavier.</p><p>Dragging his body up from the mattress, Mark began digging through her closet. It was empty except for a box of medical journals. He was searching for something material that he could claim and keep close to him.</p><p>In the second drawer of her dresser was an oversized plaid shirt. When she had first worn it, Mark had thought it was his. He’d been confused and asked her when she’d taken it from his room but she’d laughed and told him she’d thrifted it in college to throw on for late night study sessions.</p><p>This shirt had been through the wars. There were holes in the sleeve, buttons were missing and the collar was folded incorrectly to the point where no iron could straighten it out. Lexie had worn this shirt the first time he had stayed over in this room. Taking it from the drawer, he put it on. He could still smell her perfume on it.</p><p>As Mark left the attic room, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The shirt fit him like it could be his and nobody who hadn’t seen in before would think differently, but he knew its history.</p><p>Beer was calling his name again, so he diverted to the kitchen for more. He had lost count of which number this was but knew he should probably cut himself off for the sake of the people around him. Derek didn’t want to be dealing with this again, not after everything he’d put him through last time.</p><p>He was struggling to stand upright, to walk and to see straight. He had hoped his brain would switch off so he could stop thinking about Little Grey for a while but his memory seemed to be the one thing that was in perfect working order.</p><p>His eyes darting to the refrigerator that held his prize, Mark’s heart stopped.</p><p>Held by a magnet of the Empire State Building, no doubt a gift from Lexie herself, was her wedding invitation. He knew it before he got close enough to read the text.</p><p>The design was exactly the way she had described their own wedding invitations. They had talked about it right up until Sloan had arrived, even going as far as looking at engagement rings together.</p><p>Mark had been days away from purchasing a ring when his oldest daughter had appeared, putting a halt to his plans. When she left Seattle, he kept it to himself. He hadn’t told Derek or Meredith or even Callie and Arizona.</p><p>Even in her absence, Mark had still found the perfect ring and locked it in a safe back at his place.</p><p>It was waiting for her, it always would be and Mark always would be, but seeing this invitation in his best friend’s kitchen hit him like a ton of bricks. Little Grey had made a choice, and he wasn’t it.</p><p>Edging closer, he read the card. She had even used the font she’d shown him. He couldn’t blame her. After all, this was her wedding and she’d been planning it since she was a kid. As far as she was concerned, she was only going to do this once.</p><p>Shocked by how close her big day was, Mark backed away. Part of him thought he would have months for her to realise she wanted to be with him and that Xavier wasn’t right for her, but now he had run out of time.</p><p>He knew it was wrong for him to go and put a stop to this. He knew it was unfair to her and he would hate himself for putting her in that position, but he couldn’t let her do this without forcing her to consider it one final time.</p><p>Yes, she had made a decision, but what if seeing him one more time in her new city made her realise she was making a mistake?</p><p>Taking the invitation from the door, he ran his fingers over the embossed floral pattern. He was picturing his name next to hers.</p><p>Mark had to go to New York. He had to take the plunge and fight for her even if his head was telling him not to. He had always followed his heart in every decision surrounding Lexie, and this one was potentially life-altering. He couldn’t stop himself this time.</p><p>“Mark?” Callie called after him as he exited, the desperation evident in her voice. Mark wasn’t thinking as clearly as he liked to believe but he felt a rush of adrenaline as he left the house. He was going to win his Little Grey back.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I was thinking of asking Louis to be my best man, what do you think?”</p><p>“Hmm?” Lexie looked up from her menu at her fiancé. He had insisted on dinner tonight with the hope of pulling her out of the daze she’d been in for the past six weeks.</p><p>“I don’t want to ask my brother, you know? We’re not that close. Louis has been there through everything, I think he’d be a better fit.” Xavier was was looking at her curiously, waiting for her input.</p><p>“I agree.”</p><p>“Who are you having as bridesmaids?”</p><p>“Meredith, Jo, Cristina, April…I think that’s it. I kind of wanted all of the girls but I think that’d be too much.”</p><p>“Not your sister?”</p><p>“She probably can’t make it to the wedding anyway, she’s still in Bahrain with Eric.” Lexie had lost contact with Molly. Molly had never grasped how she could waste so much of her life on studying and had stopped including her in things from a young age.</p><p>When Lexie had started dating Mark, her sister had claimed that he should be ashamed of himself for pursuing her despite their age gap. She had never tried to understand their connection and never bothered to see it with her own eyes.</p><p>“Why don’t we move to Seattle after the wedding? My circle of friends are spread across multiple states anyway, it makes sense to be close to yours if they’re all in one place.”</p><p>Lexie sighed. That was the last thing she wanted. Her relationship with Xavier could only survive if she was far away from Mark Sloan. Going back to Seattle would destroy that, and it would destroy Mark if she took Xavier back with her. She cared for them both, and she wasn’t willing to put either of them through that.</p><p>“No, if we’re doing this, I’d like to stay in New York.” He pulled a face at her use of the word “if” and she placed her hand on his to reassure him that it was a simple slip of the tongue.</p><p>“Okay. Anyway, I sent out the invitations today.”</p><p>“What?” It felt like everything was closing in on her. She had specifically told him not to mail them out yet, at least not to her part of the guest list. “Xavier, I wasn’t ready to do that yet!”</p><p>“Why the hell not? Don’t tell me it’s because of him.” The anger was building and he clenched his jaw. “Lexie, you told me you wanted to do this.” He put the menu down slowly and carefully, like he might break something if he moved any faster.</p><p>“No, Xavier. I never told you that.” She hadn’t ever verbally expressed her want to do all of this, she’d just let her actions take control. In all honesty, Lexie had felt like she was in a trance.</p><p>“Then why did you go through with this? You let me continue on with the wedding plans and you didn’t make a single attempt to stop me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I need more-”</p><p>“What? Time? You’ve had over a year. I think you and I both know what you want.”</p><p>“I-”</p><p>“Go.” He stood from his chair, holding his hands up as Lexie opened her mouth to interrupt. “I shouldn’t have let you do this to yourself. I’m not him. You are never going to love me the same way and I know he has baggage and you’re scared but I can’t sit back and let you waste your life on me. I’m never going to be able to make you feel the way he does.”</p><p>“Xavier, I never meant to do this to you.” Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but not because she was losing Xavier. She was free to be with the man she loved. He was giving her what she needed, and in the last ten minutes she had finally let go of her fear.</p><p>“I love you, Lexie. Go home to Mark.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Standing in the middle of her apartment with her luggage, Lexie smiled. She had zero intention of stepping foot in this place again.</p><p>She had called Doctor Hartley from the cab and explained that she had to leave again, expecting to be fired. Instead, her mentor had offered to arrange a transfer back to Seattle Grace.</p><p>Between Derek, Doctor Hartley and Chief Webber, she never had to worry about her career. There was a place for her in medicine, and she had earned it. Her phone rang as she was gathering the last of her things.</p><p>“Lexie?” April’s voice made her feel all warm inside and she couldn’t wait to get back and have a proper conversation with her about everything that had happened in New York.</p><p>“Hey, April!”</p><p>“Hi. Are you at home?” She sounded concerned.</p><p>“I am. What’s up?”</p><p>“Sit down for a second. Don’t…don’t question it. Just, sit.”</p><p>“April, you’re scaring me.” Lexie’s legs were trembling as she leaned against the couch.</p><p>“I thought you needed to know this, and I figured I was the calmest one to handle it.” April was breathing heavily and it sounded like she was about to burst into tears.</p><p>“April.”</p><p>“It’s Mark. He was in a car accident, he’s being taken to Seattle Grace as we speak. Lexie, you need to come back right now.”</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Surgery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexie hadn’t had time to process April’s words. It felt as if she was having an out of body experience and nothing could ground her.</p><p>She had tried to get a flight but the next one was hours away, so Jackson had arranged a private plane for her. Sunrise was fast approaching, and so was her own personal hell.</p><p>It wasn’t every day that someone drowning in debt from med school had the privilege of sitting in a luxurious, money-fuelled jet owned by the Harper Avery Foundation. In any other circumstance, she’d be soaking it up and drinking champagne until she was tipsy enough that she needed assistance stepping back onto the tarmac. This wasn’t one of those days.</p><p>Having spent the past five hours staring out of the window and ignoring the security team that had been sent to accompany both her and the plane, Lexie was on another planet.</p><p>In an ideal world, she was on her way home to Mark and a lifetime with him. They were going to share the life that both of them had dreamed of for so long and she was going to have the kind of love she’d always read about as a little girl.</p><p>With the pilot announcing that they were beginning their descent, Lexie was pulled back to reality and it was the last place she wanted to be because in this world, the one that was the opposite to the one she escaped to in her mind, she didn’t know if Mark would even be alive to give her a future.</p><p>The sight of April and Jackson waiting right outside the plane with a car hit her hard. This was happening. There was no more putting it off, no more pretending that he was okay.</p><p>“Thank you for, you know.” Lexie gestured to the plane behind her, not capable of saying a whole lot else. April pulled her in for a hug, stroking her hair to soothe her.</p><p>“It was no problem. You ready?” April let her go so Jackson could have his turn.</p><p>The three of them hadn’t got off on the right foot during the merger with Mercy West but over time, had found common ground. They had been two of her biggest supporters when it came to Mark, never once doubting his intentions with her.</p><p>“How can I be ready for something like this?” Lexie swallowed the lump in her throat as she stepped into the car, gripping onto April’s hand once they were in motion. Her mind running wild, she was unable to stop theorising the severity of the accident. “You would tell me if it was too late for him, right?”</p><p>“Of course we would, Lexie.” Jackson sounded like he was about to burst into tears and his eyes told the same story as he looked round from the front seat at her. “I promise.”</p><p>“We don’t know much, but we do know that they’re working on him. Meredith said she’d call if anything drastic happened before you got there, so take the lack of a phone call as a good sign. Hold onto that little bit of hope you’ve got, okay? We’ll be at the hospital soon.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Her heart pounding in her chest, Lexie had the door open before their driver had even finished parking up and her legs were carrying her to the entrance of the hospital twenty steps ahead of April and Jackson.</p><p>Coming to a halt right outside, April bumped straight into her. In her haste, she had momentarily forgotten what she was about to see. Mark, with unimaginable injuries. Vulnerable, most likely unconscious and nothing like the man she had left behind. Nothing could ever prepare her for it but she had to do it. She had to be by his side.</p><p>“Go on up, don’t worry about waiting for us.” Jackson reassured her as she found the courage to continue inside, but the three of them were moving towards the elevator side by side regardless.</p><p>Mark was Jackson’s mentor, his best friend in close second to April, and the younger doctor was finding this equally as difficult to process. That was the thing about Mark, he was an incredible person and since falling in love with Lexie, he had been one of the most approachable, generous doctors in the hospital. He didn’t hold his power over anyone or belittle the less experienced staff and had even made a solid effort to include April as a friend, ignoring the fact that the two of them couldn’t possibly be more different.</p><p>Her focus on the red numbers rising above the doors, Lexie was growing impatient. She was trapped in reality now, no going back.</p><p>“Lexie!” As if she had been watching the elevator doors like a hawk, Callie rushed to the brunette immediately and held her close. Lexie looked over her shoulder, frozen. Everyone was here.</p><p>All of the people Mark loved, even Derek’s Mother, were hovering outside of a hospital room on the left side of the corridor. The arrival of the woman who broke Mark’s heart had caused a stir, a sea of whispers. Addison was stood in the doorway with Derek, both of them looking shattered.</p><p>“Is he…” Her voice startled the pair of them as she closed in on the crowd of people, clutching the sleeves of her coat.</p><p>“He’s in surgery.” The redhead stood up straight, feigning confidence as she placed her arm around Lexie’s shoulder. “You must be Lexie. I’m Addison. He went in a couple of hours ago and things are looking good so far.”</p><p>“Subdural hematoma?” Afraid that she was about to break, she pleaded for medical details although she knew there wasn’t enough information yet. It had been seven hours maximum since the accident, and most of that time had been spent in the OR.</p><p>“Yes, but Amelia is doing the surgery. He’s in safe hands.” If it weren’t for Addison’s reassurance, the physical contact between them, Lexie might have lashed out. Why wasn’t Derek doing this? Derek was a neurosurgeon, the best there was.</p><p>“Derek?”</p><p>“I can’t do this, Lex. He’s my best friend, he’s family. I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look at her but the resentment faded when she saw the tears falling from his face.</p><p>“Is Amelia as good as you?” She needed to know for sure that she could trust another Shepherd sibling to save him.</p><p>The Amelia Shepherd she’d met years ago was more interested in dragging the Grey sisters out to bars across the city than dedicating her time in Seattle to medicine. Lexie also knew of her history with drugs and how she’d operated after taking something back in Los Angeles, and it wasn’t giving her much faith.</p><p>“My sister might even be better than me. She’s sober, she’s level-headed, confident and she will do everything it takes to get him through this. Lexie, I would not let her in that operating room if I wasn’t five thousand percent sure she was capable of doing this.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie had taken up residence in a chair outside what would soon be Mark’s room, and she had yet to utter another word. Nobody was talking, not even about something other than how his surgery might be going. Meanwhile, she was dwelling on the accident itself.</p><p>“Can someone tell me what happened leading up to the crash?” She knew she sounded like she was a police officer asking for a report, but she needed to know this more than she needed to know the statistics and the medicine.</p><p>“This can wait, Lexie. Just wait for him to come out of surgery.” Callie pleaded with her.</p><p>“No, I need to know.”</p><p>“It’s okay, I’ll tell you.” Arizona was sat on her right. Edging closer and putting her hand on Lexie’s knee, the usually bubbly blonde was solemn. “He came over to Meredith and Derek’s for dinner and drinks and saw your wedding invitation. He took off.”</p><p>“H-he was drink driving?” Her stomach dropped. Mark was not a reckless guy unless sex was involved, which meant that she’d well and truly messed him up.</p><p>She had ruined his life and now she was at risk of taking it away from him entirely. His daughters might not have a Father and it was all because she couldn’t make a decision.</p><p>“I know what you’re thinking and I’m going to stop you right there.” Meredith knelt down in front of her sister and took hold of her face, forcing her to look at her as she spoke. “This is not your fault. Mark is a grown man and there were a lot of factors involved. He made a choice. Yes, the invitation triggered him to act on impulse but he started drinking and he knew his limits. He knew better.”</p><p>Meredith’s words did nothing to stop the guilt consuming her. She was angry at herself and at Xavier. She wasn’t ready for him to send invitations but he had taken control. If he had just held back and asked her first, Mark wouldn’t be laying on an operating table with his life in someone else’s hands right now.</p><p>“Was anyone else hurt?” The thought of her killing Mark was heart wrenching enough but if there had been another person involved, she didn’t think she could live with it.</p><p>“No, he hit a tree. Thank god, at least he won’t spend the rest of life hating himself.” Callie’s attempt at optimism didn’t go unnoticed.</p><p>It was no secret that she was strong but her best friend, the father of her child, had his life hanging in the balance and she was acting as though he was absolutely going to make it. It was admirable, but Lexie was a realist.</p><p>The elevator doors opened for the hundredth time, but it wasn’t another false alarm. They were all face to face with the exhausted, desperate faces of Webber, Bailey, Amelia with an unconscious Mark Sloan laying in a hospital bed. The closer they got to the group, the more terrified Lexie became.</p><p>“Lexie, I’m glad you’re here.” Bailey lead her into the room after Mark and his doctors, gesturing for everyone to follow. “You can go sit next to him.” All of the standard professionalism was gone, the older doctor holding her ex-resident’s hand tightly. She pushed Lexie further towards the bed but her legs stopped working.</p><p>She couldn’t bring herself to look at him but from the corner of her eye, saw Derek moving to be by his friend’s bedside. Lexie desperately wanted to join them, but not without knowing his fate.</p><p>“You can all relax, we placed him in an induced coma. He just needs a little time.” Chief Webber announced, and the tension in the room was lifted. Looking at each of the doctors with so many years of experience, Lexie was astounded.</p><p>These people should know better than to trust the human brain. What if Mark was taken out of his coma and he didn’t wake up? This had happened countless times in her career alone, and she was taking it more seriously than ever now. They were allowing themselves to drop the ball, and the only one still letting the fear eat away at her was the one who had caused this.</p><p>“What if he stays in the coma and never comes back to us?”</p><p>“We give him more time.” Amelia smiled at her.</p><p>“He would have thirty days. He stated in his will that if something like this ever happened, he wanted life support to be switched off after thirty days. You can’t keep him alive for longer than that, you all know he would never forgive us. If thirty days isn’t long enough, we lose him.”</p><p>Mark and Lexie had always openly discussed their wills and what would happen if one of them was in a life-threatening situation. They shared the same opinion on this particular matter, and Lexie couldn’t let them go against his wishes which they were guaranteed to want to do if the time came.</p><p>“He altered his will.” Callie intervened. “When Sofia was born, he changed it. He said he would want to do everything possible to bring him back to her so she didn’t have to grow up without him. He didn’t want her to have a childhood without a Father figure because that’s what Sloan had and he never forgave himself.”</p><p>“So…he has a fighting chance. We have options if-”</p><p>“Can you all shut up?!” Derek yelled over them, scaring them. Lexie allowed herself to look at Mark then, hoping that by some miracle, the loud noise would wake him up. “You’re getting ahead of yourselves. As his surgeons said and as any doctor will tell you, Mark needs time, okay? We will monitor him and bring him out of the coma when he’s ready and he will be absolutely fine. He has to be.”</p><p>He was shaking as he cried, a rare sight. Holding his arm out, he waited for his sister-in-law to close the gap. The two of them held each other, sharing their pain, but standing so close to Mark was tearing her apart.</p><p>“We’ll give you a moment alone with him.” Callie held the door open and waited for everyone to leave the room. Cristina and Meredith lead the way, fake smiles plastered on their faces. If anyone was good in a time of crisis, it was those two.</p><p>They were left with the sound of their sobs and the beeping of monitors.</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I’m-” Lexie choked up.</p><p>“I’m the one who left the invitation in clear view.” He sighed in exasperation, angry at himself.</p><p>“You know, I wasn’t even going to send them. I was so close to calling the whole thing off, I guess I just didn’t act fast enough.”</p><p>“I don’t know if he can hear us, but I like to think he knows you’re here. He loves you, Lex. You’re the one for him and he’s known it all along, he just wanted you to be ready. There isn’t anyone else for him.”</p><p>She had heard this more than enough from when they started dating right up until today but hearing it again while they were next to his motionless body, watching his chest rise and fall, Lexie was starting to think that they weren’t meant to be.</p><p>“We need him. Sofia, Sloan, Callie, Arizona, you. <em>I</em> need him.”</p><p>The silence set in, both of them watching Mark. He looked so peaceful, so content. If he could just wake up and see that she came back to Seattle one last time, he could remain content until it was truly his time to go, with his Little Grey by his side. Because she <em>was</em> his. Lexie wasn’t one to give so much of herself to a man but this was Mark. He was hers, too.</p><p>“Love makes you do stupid things.” Derek glanced up at her. “I’m not trying to sound like a character out of one of those crappy movies you like but it’s true. You couldn’t think straight so you pushed him away, tried to start over. Mark turned to alcohol and sex because the latter was all he knew before he fell in love with you.”</p><p>“The drinking was a regular thing?”</p><p>“Not lately, but when you left for New York initially, yes. He didn’t operate for months, let it control his life. Jackson took his surgeries and Mark hardly left his apartment. It wasn’t until Sofia came into the picture that things shifted. He started taking care of himself as best as anyone with a broken heart can and he went back to work.”</p><p>“I had no idea. He was suffering and I was in New York making the worst decision of my life that at the time, I thought was this incredible thing.” Lexie scoffed. “I can’t believe I almost married Xavier. How could I have considered a life with anyone but Mark?”</p><p>“When have you and Mark ever made good decisions when it comes to your feelings? The leaving, sleeping around, rushing into a relationship with someone else, having a kid with your best friend, kissing, leaving again, drinking. Chaos is kind of yours and Mark’s thing.” Derek laughed.</p><p>“I was so blind to what was right for me. I should’ve at least tried with Sloan, even if I didn’t <em>think</em> I was ready. I mean, look at her now. And I know he has Sofia now and none of us would change that for the world, but for the most part, leaving was a waste of time. I wasted over a year on a city I don’t even really like, a man who wasn’t Mark. A year that we could’ve spent together.”</p><p>“The feelings are still there after everything, Lex.” Her brother-in-law smiled softly, and Lexie knew he was thinking about Meredith. “That’s how you know it’s real.”</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The maximum of five days that everyone had been so confident in had rapidly turned into weeks and Mark was now nearing a total of one month in his coma. Everyone had gone back to work, including Addison and Amelia who had returned to Los Angeles.</p><p>Lexie, on the other hand, had done pretty much nothing but sit and stare either at Mark’s unconscious body or at her bedroom wall.</p><p>Meredith had taken time off after two weeks of seeing her younger sister struggling to come to terms with her new reality, and had put her foot down. Quality time with Zola was helping Lexie function as normally as anyone in her situation could, and she was getting at least four hours of sleep each night. For a resident, that was standard anyway.</p><p>“Did you want to change before we go?” Meredith appeared in the doorway of the family room, where Lexie was watching cartoons with her niece.</p><p>“No, I’ll wear this. I showered this morning.” She didn’t look up from the screen and her voice was monotoned. As much as she tried to sound enthusiastic or show any kind of emotion at all, she was like a robot. She had cried so much over the first few days that she’d run out of tears.</p><p>“It’s almost winter, why don’t you put on a sweater?”</p><p>Lexie glanced down at her outfit, playing with the hem of her shirt. She was wearing Mark’s scrubs, too scared to go to his place to find anything else of his.</p><p>“I’m good.” She closed her eyes, wishing she could disappear. A knock on the door disturbed her and she opened them again as her sister left the room with Zola in her arms.</p><p>When Meredith returned a few minutes later, Lexie hadn’t moved from her position. She had entered a trance again, this one triggered by what she was having to face later today and what was waiting out on the porch, or rather who.</p><p>“We need to go, Lex.”</p><p>She hauled herself off the couch, walking through the house without a word, Meredith trailing after her. Lexie didn’t bother grabbing her purse or even a coat, despite the bitterly cold weather that had slowly taken over Seattle and the rainclouds that had been looming since she woke up that morning.</p><p>It was fall now, Mark’s favourite season. This time last year, she was getting to know Xavier and trying to forget that he existed but now she was wishing that the last October they’d spent together hadn’t been spent working non-stop.</p><p>The air hit her and she crossed her arms, clutching onto the blue material of the shirt. The fear was setting in and Lexie didn’t know where to look. Mark’s oldest daughter was waiting at the bottom of the steps with Zola, both of them shivering.</p><p>Sloan looked tired, as though she no longer knew what sleep was either. The enthusiastic blonde wasn’t there anymore. The life from her eyes was gone and she mirrored the same lack of personality as Lexie.</p><p>“You ready?” Lexie approached her as Meredith closed the door behind them.</p><p>The two women hadn’t seen each other since that day in the park with Sofia and Sloan’s son but there was no tension, just understanding. Lexie wanted to protect her, the maternal instincts she worried she’d never have now stronger than ever.</p><p>Sofia was too young to know what was happening and Callie and Arizona had kept her away as much as possible, wanting their own memories of Mark and his daughter to be positive just incase they lost him.</p><p>Arizona seemed to be having a harder time with his condition than Callie; bailing on surgeries last minute and yelling at interns. None of them were handling this right.</p><p>“Are you?” Sloan responded, her voice flat.</p><p>“I have faith in Derek and Amelia and all of the doctors at that hospital.” Lexie bit the inside of her cheek, contemplating if she believed her next words. “They wouldn’t do this now if they didn’t think Mark was going to make it.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Outside the hospital, Lexie stopped to lean against a tree. The facade she’d put on to boost Sloan’s confidence had shattered and the emotions she’d been holding in were unleashing all at once.</p><p>The uncertainty of what was next, the desperation and the intruding doubt were all feelings that were too powerful to be pushed down. Lexie didn’t know if she wanted to be in that room with him as it happened. Wouldn’t it be better to hear it from the comfort of her own home, once it was all over with?</p><p>“I’m scared.”</p><p>“You don’t need to be scared, Lex. What you said to Sloan earlier was true and the Doctor in you knows that.” Meredith squeezed her shoulder, trying to coax her into the building. They weren’t going to wait forever and she didn’t want her sister to miss this.</p><p>“I’m going in, I want to talk to him. I know he can’t hear me, but…” Sloan hesitated before pulling her in for a hug. “He’d want you there.”</p><p>Watching as she walked away, Lexie felt dizzy. The weeks had dragged but suddenly everything was happening so fast she didn’t have time to comprehend it all. Mer was right, she did know that medically there was no reason for him not to breathe on his own and be fully alert when they brought him out of the coma, but this was her and Mark. Nothing was simple.</p><p>“Listen to me.” Meredith was stern, using a voice she usually saved for interns who weren’t doing what they were supposed to. “You are going to walk in there with your head held high and the second you step into that hospital room and you give Derek and Webber the go-ahead, the world is going to start working in your favour.”</p><p>“Okay.” She let out a shaky breath and leaned down to kiss Zola’s head, the little girl giving her hope that sometimes things worked out.</p><p>“He’s coming back to you, Lex.”</p><p>“I’m ready.” Lexie smiled at her sister and this time, she meant it.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lexie could see from the elevator that Mark’s room was once again full but this crowd wasn’t limited to his loved ones. It was obvious that pretty much every member of staff not scheduled to be on shift was gathered either inside of the room or out in the corridor. The Grey sisters let out a laugh when they noticed the female to male ratio and Lexie couldn’t help but feel a little smug.</p><p>When Jo spotted them exiting the elevator, she waved them over. Karev took it upon himself to clear a path and started gently moving people aside. With none of them seeing who had arrived, they were reluctant.</p><p>“If Mark Sloan would not trust you to operate on him, move!” His announcement shocked them but they soon began heading in opposite directions, nodding at Lexie as they passed and wishing her luck.</p><p>“Lexie is here!” Jo called into the room, alerting their friends.</p><p>Her arrival lead to a sudden rush of excitement and Meredith guided her to the doorway, gesturing for everyone to give them space. The only ones left by Mark’s bedside were Derek, Arizona, Callie, Sloan and Lexie.</p><p>“Take his hand, I said everything I needed to.” Sloan backed away, tears forming.</p><p>Not wanting Mark to wake up and not have at least one of his daughters there, Arizona stopped her before she could leave. “You’re his family, Sloan. Ours too.”</p><p>If he did wake up, if his body was strong enough to fight on its own, Mark was going to have everything he wanted. There would be no ‘almost’ for him anymore, just a life he thought he would have to give up, one that Lexie wasn’t compromising for because it truly wasn’t a compromise now.</p><p>This life was one that she wanted as much as he did. She wanted to be a mom to Sloan and Sofia and she wanted to spend her days with Mark Sloan. She didn’t have to give up anything because with him by her side, she could do it all.</p><p>Lexie kept a firm grip on Derek’s hand as he nodded at her. She returned the gesture, signalling for him to begin the process. Callie’s arm moved across the bed, holding onto Lexie’s. With Arizona holding Sloan’s hand and her girlfriend’s and Sloan now holding onto Lexie too, the four women were all connected to each other and to Mark.</p><p>The bond between every person at his bedside was unbreakable. All of them loved him in their own way and all of them were terrified, whether they spoke it aloud or not.</p><p>Refusing to look at anyone but Mark, Lexie didn’t even register what Derek was doing. She was in a bubble where nothing existed except for her and the man in front of her, and all she could hear was his breathing.</p><p>He was breathing on his own. This was working. Lexie bowed her head down. She was aware that she was shaking but she couldn’t stop. She didn’t want this to be false hope, didn’t want to trust that one sign. Callie gave her hand a gentle nudge, pulling her attention back to Mark’s face.</p><p>His eyes were fluttering open now, sensitive to the light.</p><p>“Lex?” The first word out of his mouth was forced and Meredith was there with a cup of water in an instant, giving it to Arizona to help him take a few sips. The rest of them were in too much shock to move, afraid that this could be over at any given moment. “Lexie?” His eyes opened wider and locked with hers.</p><p>“It’s me. I’m here.” She was in utter disbelief. Too much time had been spent convincing herself that the possibility of this was too good to be true.</p><p>All of that build up; the panic, the feeling in the pit of her stomach, it was gone. The tears in this room were no longer ones of pain, they were coming from people who had never been more relieved. Mark was awake. He was alert, he was breathing and talking and most importantly, his eyes had immediately searched for Little Grey.</p><p>Her eyes stayed on his, neither of them tearing their gaze from each other. He was receiving standard medical checks from Derek and Chief Webber but as far as he was concerned, that could all wait. Everything could wait except for their reunion and right now, that was his priority.</p><p>Mark briefly glanced at the other women in front of him and offered them the biggest smile he could muster. “Miss me?” He smirked, earning a light smack on the arm from Callie.</p><p>“Don’t do that to us again.” She warned, but couldn’t wipe the grin off her face.</p><p>“Hey, Sloan, come here.” He motioned for his daughter to step closer and pulled her into a rare embrace. She was taken aback, not used to any kind of affection from him. “I’m sorry for scaring you all. I don’t know what was going through my head, I-”</p><p>“Enough of that. You’re here with us now, you’re safe. But you owe us big time.” Arizona raised an eyebrow, the weight visibly lifted from her shoulders.</p><p>“Everything looks good, Doctor Sloan. We don’t have any concerns.” Webber looked as though he might cry too, the patient being one of the best doctors Seattle Grace had ever had the privilege of having within its four walls.</p><p>Lexie had yet to let go of Mark’s hand and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by their friends. They all knew what her intentions were now, but he still couldn’t be sure. She was oblivious to where he’d been going when he got in his car that night, she only knew that she had been on her way back to the city for him and he was oblivious to her journey too.</p><p>“Good to see you, buddy.” Derek moved around his sister-in-law to give his friend a warm hug, which was something else that was unusual for them. The two men were good with words and throwing insults but never had physical contact unless they were fighting.</p><p>“Can we get a minute?” Mark reached out for Lexie, waiting for everyone to leave. “Tell everyone outside that they can come and pay their favourite doctor a visit in a little while, we just need to talk alone.”</p><p>The three women left with Webber following, already preparing his speech for the group of eager onlookers. Mark waved at them all, winking at Jackson who had his face pressed to the window.</p><p>“It’s your time now.” Derek kissed the top of Lexie’s head before joining their friends.</p><p>She followed them, closing the blinds and locking the door. It was her chance to say everything she’d wanted to for weeks. He knew that she was still in love with him but he didn’t know her decision.</p><p>“Nice scrubs, Little Grey.”</p><p>“Mark…” She had her back pressed against the wall on the other side of his room, as far away from him as she could get. With him looking at her with so much intensity, she gave in and closed the gap.</p><p>She took his face in her hands and kissed him hard, while still being careful to avoid the injured parts of his body. He didn’t hesitate to respond, his arms snaking around her waist. She lost her balance and fell onto the bed.</p><p>Her mind taking over, she began to break away. They had to remember that his body was still fragile and no amount of tension was worth delaying his recovery.</p><p>“Lexie.” He wasn’t letting this end so fast, holding her close as he gave her another quick kiss. He didn’t want her to be too far from him, and he definitely didn’t want her to leave for New York again before he had tried to convince her to stay.</p><p>“Am I hurting you?” She winced on his behalf, but part of that was to do with the fact that yes, she had hurt him. All she had been doing the whole time she was apart from him was hurting him and ruining everything they had. He might not want her in his life now, which was something that hadn’t even crossed her mind before.</p><p>“What are you doing here? What about Xavier?” He was confused and not as a result of the coma. “Isn’t your fiancé waiting for you?” That last question was sharp and to the point, a sure sign that Mark was still bitter.</p><p>“If he was, I wouldn’t have kissed you.” Lexie was desperate to move the conversation along, her ex-fiancé a mere distant memory by now.</p><p>She hadn’t had any contact with him since she left him in the dust, but this wasn’t like the period of no contact with Mark. This was different, this time the man she’d left behind didn’t matter to her anymore. Xavier Anderson had been a lesson, a realisation that she belonged with Mark Sloan.</p><p>“Didn’t stop you last time, Little Grey.” There was a spark in his eyes, like he was proud that she hadn’t been able to resist.</p><p>Now that the tables had been turned, he was going to use it to his advantage even though he knew that once they’d gotten past their second rendezvous in the on-call room, it became about much more than sex.</p><p>“Mark, he’s out of the picture. I was on my way back to Seattle when I got the call from April, my mind was already made up.” Lexie settled on the edge of the bed, Mark’s arms still wrapped around her. “I want more, Mark. I want this, I want you. All of you. I want to raise your kids with you and go out to work and save lives and know that you’ll be waiting for me at the end of every shift. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Lex-”</p><p>“Marry me.”</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You didn’t answer her?” Callie’s jaw dropped.</p><p>Mark had asked Lexie to stay away for a couple of days while he wrapped his head around her proposa, and so she could do the same. He wanted to marry her, of course he did, but he had to be sure that she wasn’t acting on a whim.</p><p>“I told her I needed space, as if we haven’t had enough of that.” He sighed. “Torres, I think I’m more worried about her plan now than she is. I worked my way up the career ladder and did most of the surgeries I wanted to do while Lex was still in med school, ya know?”</p><p>“She’s smart, she knows what she’s doing.” She sat down in the armchair by his bed. “Arizona didn’t want to be a mom either. I think Lexie has just realised that you can’t plan your life out in stages, and she’s done wasting time being without you. Mark, she proposed to you.”</p><p>“I know.” He sunk down under the covers, pulling them up to his chest.</p><p>“No, you don’t know. I’ve heard her talk about her wedding day and how she wanted this dramatic, show-stopping proposal. Do you think she’d have abandoned that idea to propose to you in this crappy little hospital room minutes after you woke up from a coma, if she didn’t think that a life with you was worth it?”</p><p>Mark pressed his hand against his temple, hoping that this headache was just as a result of the stress that his love life was causing him.</p><p>His answer would’ve been an inevitable yes if she had asked him prior to Sofia but he had his little one to think about now. He couldn’t risk him and Lexie going full steam ahead and it going wrong further down the line, when his youngest daughter had reached an age of understanding.</p><p>“Am I making a mistake giving her space?”</p><p>“Mark, you don’t need me to tell you that.” Callie’s phone buzzed and she removed it from her purse, smiling. “I’m gonna go meet Arizona for dinner.”</p><p>“You’re leaving me alone with chocolate pudding as my only half-decent option while you get to go eat burgers and steak?” He picked up his dessert, wishing someone would take pity on him and bring him food from outside of the hospital.</p><p>“I’ll bring you some fries tomorrow.” She grinned at him, her phone buzzing again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pacing back and forth in the corridor, Lexie was impatient. She knew her own mind and she wasn’t going to let Mark Sloan make a decision about their future together based on <em>her</em> previous mindset. It was her life, her plan, her choice. It was no secret that he wanted this, she just had to prove that she wanted it too.</p><p>“Mark, you need to hear-” She flung the door open, cutting herself off when she saw him sound asleep. Walking over to him, she ran her hand through his hair and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Hi.” She whispered as he opened one eye to look at her.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” He brought his hand up to her face and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, laughing when gravity won the battle and it fell forward again.</p><p>“I was serious.” She settled at the end of his bed, never breaking eye contact. “You think I’m not ready for this because a year ago, longer than that now, I wasn’t. Things changed for me after we broke up. I learned to let go of the rules I set for myself.”</p><p>“But Lex, you’d still be raising kids that aren’t yours, kids you didn’t plan on having for years.”</p><p>“I was a kid myself back then, Mark! I had no idea what I was doing, I didn’t know what life outside of this hospital was like or what it had to offer. I spent my childhood holed up in my room studying, I did the same throughout med school and it wasn’t until I came to Seattle Grace and met you that I even considered other options.”</p><p>“So you think we’d work? You’re willing to veer off this, I don’t know, this path you created?” He was pleading now, desperate to cave and give her what she was asking for.</p><p>“Yes.” She nodded.</p><p>“How can you be so sure, Lex? How can you have changed your mind so fast? Weeks ago, you left me again to go and marry someone else. I don’t want to take this step if in five years you’re going to regret it and resent-”</p><p>“We know what life is like apart!” Lexie raised her voice over his, stunning him into silence. She bit her tongue, not used to losing her temper with him. “Mark, I told you I’d already realised you were the one. I didn’t need the experience of almost losing you permanently to help me figure that out. I was already on my way to you, bags packed, when I got the call.”</p><p>His expression softened and she knew he felt guilty. “Lexie…” He didn’t continue, instead waiting for her to get her feelings out.</p><p>“The second I heard you were hurt, it felt like my whole world had collapsed in on me. The past month, I haven’t been able to sleep or eat or talk. I can’t function without you and I don’t want to try anymore.” She let out a deep breath. “My wedding day doesn’t belong to the whirlwind romance I had with Xavier Anderson or to some bartender I slept with on my first night in the city, it belongs to you. It belongs to our story, our journey.”</p><p>“You slept with a random bartender?” He smirked.</p><p>“Can you be serious for two seconds?” She rolled her eyes at his typical response.</p><p>“What? It’s just that I didn’t expect you to be so much like me.”</p><p>“You mean someone who sleeps around or someone who drives under the influence? You’re an idiot, Mark. I know it’s my fault too but you have kids, people who love you.” Lexie was exasperated.</p><p>“I was on my way to New York.” His statement was unexpected and he hadn’t been sure that he wanted to tell her. He didn’t want her to think that he was pushing her.</p><p>“What? You-”</p><p>“I saw that invitation in Meredith and Derek’s kitchen and instinct kicked in. I knew I needed to fight for you and I knew that…” He stopped, choosing his words carefully. “We belong together, Lexie. You and I. Not you and Xavier or me and the first person I can find who will give me what I want, because whoever she is, she would never be on your level. You’re the one for me.”</p><p>“When did you know that?” She whispered.</p><p>“Remember when you threatened to break up with me if I didn’t tell Derek that we were seeing each other? That moment. It hit me and I realised I was going to lose you if I didn’t get my act together and open myself up to you.”</p><p>“I still can’t believe he punched you.”</p><p>“I was expecting it.” He shook his head, laughing at how angry his friend had been.</p><p>“When you showed up to dinner with my Dad.” She grinned, thinking back to how nervous he’d looked when he’d walked in and how Thatcher hadn’t clocked that the man who had introduced himself was her boyfriend. “That’s when I knew. I figured that Mark Sloan doesn’t do dinner with his girlfriend’s parents, ever.”</p><p>Mark smiled fondly at the memory and Lexie half-wished they could go back to those days. Things had been reasonably simple, if you ignored the gossip surrounding them.</p><p>“Lexie, I’m sorry. For the drinking and driving. I didn’t mean to scare anyone, I just lost control. I wasn’t thinking straight and I haven’t been since you left Seattle the first time.” He looked ashamed, like he didn’t deserve her. “For the record, it’s on me. I‘m a grown man, I should’ve known better.”</p><p>“This relationship is just one mistake after the other. Life altering mistakes, ones that have long-lasting effects. What if we can’t stop making them? I don’t want heartbreak to be the only thing we’re any good at, Mark. We had it all back then.” She spoke softly.</p><p>“We can have it all again.” Mark shifted so he was sat up straight and held his arms out to her. “I want to grow old with you, Lex. I don’t want to spend another day without you right here with me, my partner in crime. No more planes and state lines between us.”</p><p>“Is that a yes?”</p><p>Lexie practically melted as he traced patterns on her forearm absentmindedly. She had been longing for this contact.</p><p>If she had realised how deep rooted their feelings had remained, perhaps she would’ve abandoned Xavier and New York much sooner. Her and Mark were ready now.</p><p>It wasn’t just about her letting go of strict routines and ideals, it was about him relieving himself of the guilt and realising that she genuinely wanted to share his life with him, baggage and all.</p><p>Pushing her hair to one side, Mark couldn’t stop himself from laughing in disbelief at his next words. “Let’s get married.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Dad, are you sure it’s cool for me to come home with you? I can go back up to college.” Sloan was hovering in the corner of the room, watching Mark hold his grandson.</p><p>“I was in a car accident, Sloan. I was unconscious for a month. I’m not wasting a second of the time we have, okay? I love all of you, and I want to be around you all as much as I can before I go back to work.”</p><p>“Don’t you want to spend time with Lexie? Have the place to yourselves?” She shifted uncomfortably, hoping he’d understand without her having to make it obvious.</p><p>“We, uh…” He looked from her to Austin and passed the baby to Arizona, who laid him on the couch next to Sofia. “I can’t for a while because, you know…bruises and broken ribs and all that.”</p><p>“It’s destroying him.” Callie threw her head back in laughter. “Only a few weeks to go, you’ll be right as rain in no time. I’m sure Lexie can handle it but I don’t know if you can.” She winked at Mark, who looked embarrassed for one of the first times in the history of their friendship.</p><p>“Are we almost ready to go?” Lexie chose that moment to appear, a hat and scarf in her hands.</p><p>“He refused to get dressed until you showed up. The lack of intimacy is really getting to him, Grey.” Arizona teased, amusement in her eyes.</p><p>“If you’re not going to be helpful, please wait outside. Take the babies down to the car or something, Lexie and Derek will get me in a wheelchair and bring me out in ten.”</p><p>Chaos was inevitable when it came to getting the kids in their respective carriers and packing all of the bags that went everywhere with them. Callie and Arizona argued over who should carry Sofia and who should carry her diaper bag, and Sloan was left to juggle Austin and both her bag and his, all while making a phone call to his adoptive parents to let them know she’d be dropping him home soon.</p><p>Observing the scene in front of her, Lexie felt content. There was no worry of her not fitting in or finding a place within their little nest because she belonged there. The two older women were overjoyed that their friends had found their way back to each other and Sloan was still the girl she’d been reintroduced to in the park, the experience of almost losing her Father making her even more appreciative of the other adults in her life. As for Sofia, she didn’t cry when Lexie held her and that was a start. It was hitting Lexie that this was Mark’s family, and now it was hers too.</p><p>When they eventually left, Mark sighed. “Finally. Can you untie this damn thing for me?” He pulled at his gown, eager to take it off.</p><p>For someone who worked with patients every day, you’d think he’d be better at holding back the complaints. He had spent the past few days since waking up moaning about chocolate pudding, his gown being uncomfortable and his sheets not keeping him warm.</p><p>“I have your scarf and hat with me, figured you might need them. You’re definitely okay to be going home so soon, right?” Lexie asked, helping him into a shirt.</p><p>“Derek and Webber and Bailey have all given me the green light, and Amelia gave a consultation over the phone and said I just need bed rest, which I can do from the comfort of my own king-size orthopaedic mattress,” He stood up slowly, towering over her and kissing her, “with you next to me.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Unlocking the door to Mark’s house should’ve felt like a huge step for Lexie, but it just felt normal, like it was something she did every day. The rest of their makeshift family trailed in behind them and started dropping bags and coats wherever there was space.</p><p>“Meredith said she’s been grocery shopping for you, the cupboards and the refrigerator are both fully stocked.” Callie spoke over the chatter.</p><p>“Grocery shopping and Meredith are two words that don’t belong in the same sentence.” Lexie laughed. Her sister had spent her years in med school and beyond living on takeout food.</p><p>“Mark, put that down.” Arizona fought him for his bag, which he was trying to take upstairs. “Go sit on the couch and have a nap or something, we’ll get everything organised. Lexie, go keep an eye on him.” Arizona pushed the two of them towards the lounge.</p><p>Taking him by the hand, Lexie dragged him through the house and forced him to sit down. Moving the cushions so he was comfortable, she fell down next to him. He immediately wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close, resting his head on hers.</p><p>“You okay?” She put her feet up on the coffee table.</p><p>“Never better.”</p><p>They talked quietly about which meals Lexie was capable of cooking without setting the kitchen on fire, giving them food poisoning or breaking things. They settled on preparing meals together and getting Arizona involved wherever possible, her and Mark having become experts in healthy eating since finding out that they were expecting Sofia.</p><p>“Okay, lovebirds. We’re out.” Callie leaned over the back of the couch to their left, a huge smile on her face. “Sloan is hanging out with Austin and his parents and we’re going to take Sofia home for a feed. If you need anything, call us.”</p><p>“Callie, you don’t have to-” Mark was interrupted by Callie shushing him.</p><p>“Take care of him, Grey!” Arizona called out, slamming the door behind them as they left.</p><p>They found themselves in a comfortable silence, Lexie listening to his breathing. Having him home was a huge relief. Everything that had happened leading up to this moment had been a struggle but it had paid off, and now she didn’t have to fight.</p><p>She didn’t have to fight the battle between her head and her heart because they were working in perfect harmony, her head allowing her to have everything her heart wanted without regrets or “what-ifs” floating around.</p><p>“Promise me something?” Lexie detached herself and looked up at him. “Slow down on the drinking. I mean sure, have a little fun but…I’m scared, Mark. I don’t want to sit in another hospital room and wonder if you’re ever going to wake up.”</p><p>“You have my word.” He leaned in close, their faces inches apart. “But no planes. Not unless I’m on it with you and we’re going to the Bahamas or something.”</p><p>“No planes unless it’s for pleasure and no hospital rooms unless it’s for work. I think we can manage that, don’t you?” She whispered.</p><p>Mark took hold of her waist and pulled her onto his lap, desperate to be as close as possible without breaking doctor’s orders. He kissed her and she responded without hesitation, pressing every inch of her body against his.</p><p>They could both feel things getting a little too intense but apart from that one kiss in his car and then another in a hospital bed, this was the only chance they’d had to revisit the past.</p><p>Slipping his tongue in her mouth, Lexie moaned and gave him full access. Her arms were round his neck, hands in his hair. Starting to move the lower half of her body, she knew they were running the risk of not being able to stop.</p><p>He ran his hands under her shirt and broke away from the kiss, moving to her neck. She found her way to his belt but they knew that if they didn’t put an end to it now, it would cause more harm than good.</p><p>“Lexie, please.” He stopped what he was doing and kissed her shoulder, catching his breath.</p><p>“Too much?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Mark?” She grinned and held his face, looking into his eyes. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Lex.” He smiled at his fiancée. “I’m glad you’re home.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s given you so many opportunities to back out and you didn’t take any of them, which means you’re ready for this. You’re just stressed about caterers and flowers and all that crap and it’s clouding your judgement.” Meredith shoved Lexie out onto the balcony.</p><p>Lexie had been going out of her mind since she woke up that morning, locking herself in her room at the hotel where the wedding was being held and refusing to let their hair and make-up girls in.</p><p>“Mer, what if I completely mess it up for him, and for the girls? I don’t want Sofia to grow up and see me as this inexperienced parent. I want to give her everything she needs and help raise her to be a kindhearted, ambitious kid, but what if I give her bad advice or pressure her too much with school and she hates me for it.”</p><p>“You’re thinking way into the future. You think Mark has a damn clue what he’s doing? Callie? Arizona? Derek and I? Every single parent is taking it one step at a time, never really sure that they’re doing what’s right by their kids but the point is, they’re trying. They love those kids with every fibre of their being and that’s enough to guide them through the chaos. Give yourself this life, Lexie. You’ve earned it.”</p><p>Meredith left her out in the bitter December air and rushed across the hotel suite to invite the remainder of the bridal party in. Lexie looked out across the grounds, admiring the view of the fir trees and the gardens, all covered in a light layer of crisp, white snow.</p><p>Mark had pulled some strings to get this venue for their big day, including tracking down a retired board member from the hospital who had booked it for his wife’s birthday. He hadn’t mentioned the whole stalking and bribing fiasco until a few days ago but Lexie was too focused on last minute plans to care.</p><p>He had been complaining of boredom since Webber and Derek agreed that he could be discharged, so he’d become overly-involved. Lexie had returned from grocery shopping to find him sat on the couch with Sloan, scrolling through the Pinterest boards that Lexie had poured her heart into.</p><p>From bouquets to seating arrangements, he had covered everything. His bride to be just had to point each time she was presented with options, and Mark would make sure it was done. There was no wedding planner, just a very eager groom who had enlisted the help of every female friend he could think of.</p><p>“How are you feeling? Meredith said you were a little cautious.” Arizona appeared, closing the sliding door behind her. “I’m so happy it snowed for you, perfect winter wedding, huh?”</p><p>“We got lucky.” Lexie smiled. “Arizona, were you scared? When you committed to raising Sofia?”</p><p>“Oh god, off you go again. Lexie, I’ve never been so unsure in my life. I’m not gonna stand here and tell you that it was an easy decision because I loved Callie, because you know better than anyone that it’s not that simple, but I will tell you that the second I went along to that first ultrasound, that little was mine. I can see the love that you have for her, she’s yours too.”</p><p>“I guess I’ve been doing okay, taking care of her while Mark rests.” She threw her head back, untying her hair and letting it fall. The knowledge that her friends were all equally clueless was providing her with reassurance. Besides, if Mark Sloan could be a parent, so could she, right?</p><p>“So,” Arizona moved closer and leaned against the railing next to her, “do you want to kiss goodbye to the love of your life and be stuck being Aunt Lexie or do you want to take the plunge and marry Mark, be the amazing Mom I know you can be and do this together? All four of us.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It took three hours for Lexie to get ready. She never wore a lot of makeup due to lack of time so having so many products on her face was strange. Mark always told her he liked her better without it and she felt more human with a minimal amount, but Callie had insisted that this was her wedding day and the photos would turn out better if she just let these women do their thing.</p><p>The hair was a different matter. As a child, Molly had used her to practice braids on and although her first experience with curling tongs had resulted in pain, Lexie loved having her hair played with. Mark paid particular attention to it, running his fingers through it whenever he could.</p><p>She had asked for it to be half up, half down. It would be just the way both she and Mark liked it, her neck and shoulders would be mostly protected from the cold but she couldn’t hide behind it when the attention overwhelmed her.</p><p>Her dress was an A-line silhouette. Long, lace sleeves and a chiffon skirt with a sweep train. It was backless, which she might regret when she stepped outside but for now, she was happy to show a little skin. Lexie felt like a princess both in the way she looked and the way her fiancé made her feel.</p><p>Walking down the winding staircase, she knew that all eyes were on her. If she was filled with so much joy from entering the lobby which only held her closest friends, she couldn’t imagine how she was going to feel walking down the aisle.</p><p>“Mark’s jaw is going to <em>drop</em>.” Meredith took her hand at the bottom of the stairs.</p><p>Soaking it all in, she looked at her sister who was bursting with pride. Molly wasn’t here and Lexie was bitter, but she hadn’t expected her other sister to even bother sending a letter so this wasn’t surprising either.</p><p>This was Lexie’s big day. The one she had been counting down to for as long as she could remember. Now, she didn’t have to count anymore and nothing else on the planet mattered.</p><p>It was here and her husband-to-be was waiting for her on the other side of the door.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You sure you don’t want me to check what’s taking so long?”</p><p>“Derek, she’ll be here. I have faith.” Mark had been waiting for twenty minutes longer than planned but in his head, he had calculated the amount of time that his fiancée would spend panicking, how long it would take Arizona or someone to calm her down and then how long everyone would spend gushing over the dress. So far, things were within the schedule.</p><p>As his friend was about to open his mouth to ask again, the doors at the end of the room opened to reveal the bride and her bridesmaids. Arizona and Sloan were leading the way with Zola and Sofia in their arms, and Mark couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.</p><p>Once he hit a certain age, he had started to think that he would never have kids. When he found Sloan, he figured Lexie was out of his life for good but now, by some incredible stroke of luck, she and Sofia were bringing her right to him.</p><p>Callie and Meredith were by her side, taking the place of Thatcher who had been cut out of their lives after a drunken rant, where he’d told Lexie that she was making the biggest mistake of her life. He wished her Mom could be here for her.</p><p>Mark’s gaze was now only on the woman in the middle. Lexie looked stunning, to the point where he couldn’t quite believe that this was real. He had dreamed of this for so many years.</p><p>“Hi.” He was in such a trance, he hadn’t noticed how close his bride had gotten to the front of the room. Meredith let go of her hand and Callie kissed him on the cheek, but he wasn’t even moving.</p><p>“You look so beautiful, Lex.” The two of them took their places opposite each other and the rest of the room disappeared.</p><p>Mark had one last thing to do before the wedding continued. He got down on one knee, causing a stir.</p><p>“Mark, what are you doing?”</p><p>“I always figured I’d be the one to ask you this question. You’ve talked about this day and about wanting a big, grand proposal since I first met you and I wanted you to have this moment because if anyone deserves it, it’s you.” He took a small black box from Derek.</p><p>“Mark,” She laughed, “you don’t have to do this.”</p><p>“Alexandra Caroline Grey, will you grow old with me?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hello! this was the final chapter so i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read "after sloan" and left kudos. i'm considering a sequel, but i'm working solely on other original works for at least the first month of 2021. i hope you enjoyed, and here's to hopefully seeing mark or lexie on our screens again in the current season of grey's. happy new year!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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